A month has gone by since I last talked with that instructor.
He instructed us many things that our commandant hadn't instructed us.
The commandant himself admitted from the very first that he has scanty knowledge about CAT because according to him, it has been already a long time that he hadn't execute the commands. Plus, he said he was just an assistant of their platoon leader.
So he said to us to give him some documents for him to learn more.
I have given him the documents and after some time, I asked him if he could already return the handouts to me.
But the documents being passed on me seemed not to be enough for him.
Still, he didn't know what to do.
I also didn't know what to do. I thought we could research but that might take a long time.
He said he had researched about it.
But his knowledge seemed not to be in use.
The first time he met the officers (including me), his appearance seemed to be scary and worried.
He said something to me which made me cry. But thanks to that, I was able to do my best, a little bit.
I didn't say this to a lot of students because I think that it is my fault so I should not complain about it.
If I was able to overcome it by thinking positively, the corps commander's case is different from mine.
Tomorrow, the instructor will come.
It was the first day of 6:30 AM attendance.
I arrived at school at 6:10. Woohooo!!!
The school was quiet at the time I arrived for there were only 2-3 students at that time.
I was so happy because we had the formation early in the morning.
I enjoyed executing the commands with my fellow officers because the morning sky and the well-lit grasses at that time gave me good feeling.
Well, it probably always gives me a good feeling.
It made me forget about some things that makes my mind be negatively overwhelmed by it.
I took a picture of them.
From today onwards up to March, I will arrive at school before the hands of the clock passes at 6:30 AM!
I will enjoy it! We must enjoy it! Because obviously it gives us a pleasant feeling. And we want it!
The best decision is to be in a good mood!
iPhoneからの投稿
Today is the
1st day of the examination day for the month of October.
Before this,
the date for the examination day had been postponed a number of times due to some
activities and the bad weather.
Recently, I
planned to approach the Japanese student in our school and ask him to if we
could be friends.
This plan was brought forth in my mind while I
was talking with my Japanese friend on the internet who is おじさん。
I’ve shared
about this plan to jiji and agreed with him that he should help me in constructing
good Japanese sentences for me.
Today, I put
into action my plan. It was around 12:35 PM and I haven’t taken my lunch yet.
We’re
supposed to go home by that time because
examination was only taken in the morning.
I went out
late because I had things to do as instructed by my home room teacher.
After I did
it, I talked with some friends of mine. I shared to them what are my plans.
I showed to
them the Japanese sentences to be read aloud by me to the Japanese student.
I read it
aloud for them and they asked me to tell me the meaning of each sentence.
As we walked
through the hallway, my friend stopped listening to me because he went to talk
with our teacher who’s kind of fluent at speaking in English. After talking
about some things, the teacher talked to me and after all things, I bid good
bye to her with saying “Au Revoir”. She laughed after she heard it. To me, she
seems to enjoy it. “Au Revoir” is one of the words she gave to the students to
be defined by them. And I used it.
We walked
and talked. My friend listened to me and witnessed me feeling happy which is
evident in my facial expression.
I told her
few concerns of mine. I told her that my friend told me that Japanese student
is mean.
But that immediately
vanished after she reminded me “Oh, have you experienced it?”
Hasty
Generalization. It is a fallacy of logic. I have committed it just now.
After
remembering what she said, it encouraged not to recede from approaching that
Japanese.
I hit her
arm for she gave me quite a good feeling.
She then
suggested to me to ask that Japanese student’s email address so that we can
easily communicate with each other even during weekends.
I told her
that my Japanese friend on the internet also told me that.
Asking about
his mail address in the first place was never in my mind.
I thought he
might be feeling uncomfortable if I suddenly ask him his email address.
I thought we’re
not so close and Japanese culture might be different from ours…
Anyway, I
plan to add her suggestion to my plan. But I will twist it. I will not ask his
email address. Instead, I will give my email address to him after 4 months of
sending letters to each other.
At that time, since it was almost 1:00 PM, I
thought the Japanese student already went home. But I was wrong.
As my friend
and I walked through the narrow exit of the school, I noticed the Japanese
student and his sister coming towards us.
My friend
saw it. Immediately she insisted to me in a low tone of voice “aren’t you going
to show courage today? Show courage.”
Despite what
I said (that I’m going to show courage), I was reluctant to approach those
Japanese immediately. So my direction of walking changed.
But my
reluctance changed when…
It was just
the right timing that as my friend and I sat in the bench, the Japanese male
student and his sister also sat in the opposite bench.
Something
unexplainable seemed to bind me in doing this.
They drank something.
They probably bought shake from that mini shop.
As they were
doing it, my friend who sat on my left continued to insist me to show courage.
“There are
only few people who are around. Do it now.”
Finally, I
gave in to her encouragement.
I took out the
paper that contained the message from my bag.
And said to
the Japanese 「ちょっといいですか？話したいことがあるんですけど。」
Then, I
started to read the message.
I read it
with feelings and I sounded according to the expression implied by the
sentence.
And as I was
reading the middle part of my message, group of girls came and sat in the
bench.
Those girls
are my batch mates from the other class section. They are anime lovers.
The Japanese
smiled when I asked him if we could be friends.
Of course I
felt happy.
Since the
girls came near us and watched me speaking in Japanese, the small place became
quite noisy.
It is okay
for I treat their noise as the background effect that would make my talk to him
more funny and enjoyable. Lol
I paused for
a bit to listen to those girls question to me.
“What are you
talking about? We don’t understand”
I showed my
funny side to that Japanese student through my expressive gestures and facial
expression.
As I
continued reading, I heard my friend telling to those girls about them being
anime lovers and yet couldn’t speak in Japanese like I do. Lol
Anyway,
after I reading aloud my message to that Japanese, he agreed to become my
friend and that we would talk through letters.
I felt happy inside, really. Other girls couldn’t understand
what I said to him.
I started to bid good bye to the Japanese and his sister.
And they were smiling.
I walked away from them with my friend. And she let me feel happy for a while.
Meaning, she didn't speak because she knew I was still taking the time for me to express my feelings.
Trolololololololololololololololololoolol
(≧▽≦)
My face is so much happier than this emoji.
A couple of more than 50 years of age sat opposite from each other.
The man was speaking about him sacrificing things only for the one he loves, his wife, whom he thinks she never appreciates it. (Kind of sad, funny boasting)
The man told these things to me as he intently made it obvious to his wife.
The wife was wearing eye glasses and as the man babbled, the wife told me not to believe in all he said. It's the words of an old man.
I listened to them and covered by mouth for my laugh wouldn't end. lol
The wife seemed not to be enchanted by the man's sweet swords anymore.
In other words, she seemed to be apathetic to it.
I guess the wife is already used to her husband's babble.
The man emphasized about what he did-- he said he NEVER LIED to his wife.
Oohhhh
That itself is a lie!
I asked him "Reaaaaalllyy???"
"Yeah!", he confidently said.
ふっふっ
Believe me, I saw a picture in my father's digital camera which shows his lips shaped like an octopus pointing at another woman who looks like a bitch.
Even if I tell his wife about it, I think she wouldn't be surprised about it anymore.
It's so obvious in her bored face.
There was a typhoon in my place the other day.
And it had blown his poster of a sexy girl which seemed to be treated as precious by him.
The wife didn't say anything negative or show any signs of being angry or jealous about him acting like he was concerned about what happened to his girl (poster).
She got used to it. lol
So is this what happens when a woman gets old?
It seems dry lol
Their grand daughter who is 4 years old innocently watched it.
And they didn't take the poster away from her.
But they didn't say any malicious things about it.
The only thing they said was that girl in the poster was the wife when she was younger.
What the heck do U teach to the child wwww
Althogh the relationship between them seems to be dry, it's seems to be often full of jokes, laughter.
i like that
iPhoneからの投稿
This year, I planned to be courageous.
Yes, I showed my being courageous to other people particularly in overcoming my shyness to offer kindness to other people who are not really close to me (relationship).
But I feel I'm not yet satisfied with it.
I need to be more courageous.
There are only few months left for me to enjoy my youthful days with my classmates of various personalities.
There's this Japanese student whom I want to become friends with since the first time I saw him but couldn't tell him so until now because of my stupid thoughts that keep me from telling him so.
I sometimes show to some of my classmates my stupid self (how much I really want to be friends with that Japanese through sweet, sour, bitter, salty facial expressions).
I have planned that I should approach with some of my friendly classmates that Japanese student and ask him to become friends with me. Because with my friendly classmates, I feel I don't get so much nervous.
I have shared this to some of my classmates but after all, this plan was never acted out. It is not because that they are busy, but it is because of me, I think.
If a person is determined to achieve a certain thing, then that person will do anything just to achieve it.
This means being courageous regardless of what others will think and say.
But determination was not in me.
So the cause of why the plan has never been acted out was because of my incapability to be courageous.
The problem was within me, after all.
But recently, I decided to change my mind. I have shared about this to jiji (he is ossan almost in his 40s) and decided to approach next week that Japanese all by myself.
Whenever I see that Japanese, I would feel an overwhelming feeling.
I have got to approach that Japanese within next week.
And read aloud the message to him.
This is a challenge to a girl who is a fan of Japanese.
I should not feel embarrassed when I approach him.
I should be proud that I can do it.
And I should not feel embarrassed if ever he rejects my invitation to become friends with me.
I should accept whatever his decision is.
Well, at least I've tried.
Here will the things I'm going to read aloud to that Japanese student.
Watashi wa
kyounen kara nihonjin seito ga kono gakkou ni kuru to shitteimashita.
Watashi no
onna no sensei ga hanashitekuretandesukara.
Kanojyo wa
watashi no koto kangaetemashitandatte. Sukoshi nihongo wo hanashite dekiruto kanojyo
ga omoimashitadatte.
Roku gatsu
kara watashi wa anata to amari hanashiteimasen. Dakara anata no koto amari
shiranainodesu.
Anata wa nihonjin
to anata no namae dake shirimasu.
Jitsu wa,
saisho kara watashi wa anata no omodachi ni naritakattan desu.
Kedo,
yuuki ga dasanakatta.
Shy nano
deshita.
Demo,
imakara watashi wa yuuki wo dashimasu.
Watashi wa
_sai desu. Soshite ato yongatsu, sorede watashi wa gakkou ni bye bye shimasu.
Watashi no
nokoru no yongatsu, sore ga omoidebukai to naritaito omoimasu.
Hontou no
sekai ni nihonjin ni konna shitsumon wo kikite wa hajimetedesu.
Otomodachi
ni natte kurete mo ii desu ka?
Watashi no
tomodachi ni nattara, watashitachi hanashimashou. Tegami de.
Datte,
tegami nara watashitachi wa nani wo hanashiteirunokaga yoku wakarukara.
Dou omoimasu
ka?
Kotowatteiindesukedo.
He was the only student left in the classroom.
My duty here is to make him go outside and go downstairs.
I saw him fixing the lace of his shoe.
As he did that, I spoke
「すみません、私の日本語はにがてんですけど、あなたはかいかにいてもいいですか？」
I'm sorry, I'm my Japanese is poor, but can you go downstairs?
As he fixed his shoe lace, he nodded.
He's so white...
I stopped watching him but I watched him back.
I noticed he was PRETENDING to fix his shoe lace.
I noticed his shoe lace was already fixed but he keep on holding it like he was trying to fix it.
HAHAHA!
He got nice idea! He almost got me. It is a way to prevent him from going downstairs.
I went on watching him with my back being bent and my head to the right looking at him.
And my face was like this:
With that posture of mine, I was trying to say to him 「***さん、ばれったんだよ？」
Then, he looked at me.
I noticed his eyes behind his eyeglasses.
It's shape was... Japanese.
And his lips were kind of healthy... just the right color. It is somewhere between red, pink and orange, probably.
He got some moustache.
He looks cool.
According to Jiji, he looks like an engineer.
I had taken a photo with him. I think he looks more handsome in reality than in the photo.
At the end of the ceremony, I was not able to convince him to go downstairs.
But I made sure I told him another thing.
「明日から、かいかに言ってもいいですか？」
Starting tomorrow, can you go downstairs?
I gestured thumbs up to him to say like "OK?"
But he seened to be hesitant to nod.
I had an eye to eye contact with him...
And I feel like...
Before the first day of school started, I have longed to be friends with that new Japanese student.
Now it is the 6 month of school days.
But sadly, I have not made any great improvement.
I do not have easy ways to become friends with him because he is of different class level.
He is older than me but I am his superior. So I am せんぱい。
My country's curriculum before was different from Japan's.
But since a year ago, new curriculum was being added throughout the schools in the country.
So the system is now the same as Japan's. Grade level became K-12.
Anyway, let's go back to the main topic.
It is difficult for me to become friends with him easily.
I think the main reason is because
he is a boy who came from Japan in which the culture in there is different from my country's and that he is quite handsome.
For some of the students, it is smooth for them to greet him with just a simple "hello" or "hi".
It was reported to me that he smiles at them. 
Well, when I and that Japanese student walk past by each other, I do not look at him and I think he doesn't look at me too. But actually, I want to look at him and greet him and see him smiling at me.
It is not smooth for me to do so. If I will do it, he might think of me as strange and he might try to avoid me 
I don't want to be avoided by a Japanese. Because I like Japanese. lol
Whenever I think of him, I feel happy and excited. I'm a teen so I think it is natural for me to be feeling so happy because of thinking of it.
Although I feel really happy whenever I think of him, I am not quite sure about how I feel towards him.
Do I like him?
This is what I have been asking to myself.
If I like him, what kind of like am I referring to?
Hmmm...
I probably only want to become friends with him.
This morning, I was not late and this week is my schedule to take post.
It was reported to me by some of the officers that Japanese won't go out of the classroom during flag ceremony.
They suggested that I should be the one to tell to get outside of the classroom/
So I assigned myself according to what they wish and my will.
I went upstairs with my partner and a classmate.
As I walked towards the path to the classroom where he stays, I felt my skin was becoming cold.
And I get that feeling,,, something like getting excited, really.
And my classmate sensed that I was feeling happy.
It was obvious in my face.
If there was one thing that was lacking in me, it is probably the redness in my cheeks when I have that feeling when I'm near that Japanese... I don' get flushed.
To be continued.
There's this blogger that I like.
I saw this blog from a Japanese blog ranking website and that blog is on the list of most viewed blogs.
She is probably a girl.
I have read some of her articles and find it pretty interesting for me.
It's about her thoughts.
She's a college student, probably studying medicine.
I subscribed to her blog website so that I will be kept updated with her new blog entries.
I perceived her as having seemingly similar characteristics to mine.
That's probably why I want to read more of her.
It looks like I fell into the trap (the trap is the characteristics that we have in common which might make me want to draw myself closer to her).
As I read her article, it makes me think for myself.
I enjoyed her article being on my mind.
But after some time, I read no more new blog entries of hers because for some reasons, she had decided to stop posting blog entries.
I losing something I like.... this made me a little bit sad.
But I thought I have to accept it.
I have to keep moving on and continue making articles on my own with some knowledge of her style of writing... (her style of writing is talking about an experience or news and then share her thought about it).
Yesterday, I read an article about a case that happened 20 years ago.
This case is about a wife who had cut off her husband's genital organ while he was asleep and thrown it into afield.
According to what I understand from what I have read, the woman received sexual abuses from her husband like forcing her to have sex with him. In other words, this is spousal rape.
During the trial, the woman said that her husband is selfish because he always have orgasm and that he won't allow her to have orgasm.
The woman was diagnosed with a PTSD (Posttraumatic stress disorder) so this made her not be held responsible for what she had done unto her husband.
The woman was kind of motivated to do things beyond what a normal person does because of the threat implied by the husband's actions:
"I will find you, whether we're divorced or separated. And wherever I find you, I'll have sex with you whenever I want to."
Thinking of this, the physical abuse done unto her might have been too much, very severe for it had led the victim to cut off the genital organ of her husband which is not a thing that is usually done by normal people.
As a female, it is quite easy for me to imagine myself being in that situation and how will I feel if I were to be treated like that.
Of course I do not like to be treated like that so I have to find ways to make it stop.
For the woman, it had led her to cutting off her husband's penis.
If it were to happen to me, I don't want to do such thing.
I'd probably do..hmmmmm.... do like Muhatma Gandhi?
I could say that easily
but in reality, it might be the opposite.
It is difficult to think good, say good, act good in this kind of situation.
Sigh.
Last week, my weird classmate who is also
fat helped me in making a certain article to be published for the school paper.
He is one of the students who were chosen to write some articles about what’s
happening in the school in those days.
I and he were the ones assigned to
write articles about what’s happening in that area. We took some notes about
what we saw in there.
When we went to the library to make
the articles, it seemed that, there was a miscommunication or error in giving
the instruction to us. This ended up in writing only 1 article for that event
in that area. My classmate and I helped in finishing the article I have started
writing.
Although 2 people were involved in
making that article, there must only be 1 person to be claimed as the author of
that article. We only knew it at the time we have already ended sharing our
ideas and writing the article. If we have known earlier, we wouldn’t probably
be helping each other.
I decided and spoke that the author
should be my classmate instead of me. I thought he contributed many useful
ideas and I was just there to add twist (this includes creativity) to his sentence
construction.
But that didn’t end up to just that (him
seemingly to get all the benefits). I told him that in return, he should help
me in making an article for the next event. And he agreed. Then we proceeded to
seeing the next event.
Just like what I did previously for the
article to be made, I took down notes about what I saw and heard with hopes in
mind that it might help me in coming up with ideas about what should be
written.
In the middle of the activity, there
were some things that needed to be attended by me and my weird classmate. I
left my work which is taking down notes to my angry classmate. I hoped that she’d
finish it and that it would give me enough ideas. But when I came back, I saw
her no more. The paper was left unattended.
Without awareness at that time, I did
not manifest a frowning look and my thoughts were different from before. I would
usually engross myself in thinking of thoughts that make my mind overwhelmed
with negative thoughts and worry. But recently, I tried to change it gradually
to the thinking “It has already been done and it cannot be undone. All I have
to do now is to think of what needs to be done. ”
I think that having this kind of mentality
is right for me. This kind of mentality was present in my mind at that time. I
was not worried at that time. I thought that if I’d spend my precious time
worrying about it and doing nothing, I’d just bring more trouble not only to
others but also to myself which could be greatly useless.
My weird classmate suggested me to
stop watching the event and start making the article despite the scanty
information I’ve got. According to him, he believed that we could finish
writing the article for it. “We weren’t able to finish watching the whole
previous event and there was only a small amount of information we gathered.
But we managed to finish writing the article even in just an hour. If we could
do that, don’t you think we can do it now?”
I was in submission after he said
that. I let myself be apparently lured by his words. I proceeded to going to
the library with him to write a new article about the event. While I was writing,
my weird classmate uttered his ideas. I wrote most of what he said. I felt
really thankful that he was there to help me.
But there were times I thought during
that time that I only contributed very few ideas to making this article unlike
him. And from that, I started to feel kind of unproductive. I thought my infrequent
sharing of my own ideas and its scarcity could lead him to be feeling irritated
and thus give up on helping me. I wanted
him to stop helping me before he could decide to stop helping me. But I didn’t
follow this. I still allowed him to help me and seemingly be in difficulty with
me. I let the article be finished by his words. Despite it being finished, I
slightly felt unsatisfied and ashamed because the article consisted of most
words coming from him but the article must be accredited to me.
But that feeling didn’t last too long
for I have told myself not to allow such thought to dwell in my mind.
I thought I wanted to reciprocate the kindness
which he did upon me. But I couldn’t, in the same way, do it upon him.
Today, I had a talk with my classmate
in our house. She was the classmate whom my angry classmate refused to be
reconciled with.
She ought to come to our house for we
would practice dancing the folk dance which is our project for the academic
subject. After classmates went ahead of her to their respective homes, she was
the only classmate who’s left seated.
As what I have said to her (that I
would help her in writing essays for the assignment in English), I took the
free time to do it. I tried to give her some ideas and I was the one who wrote
it. I thought that most words and ideas in that essay were coming from me.
Somehow, I felt satisfied. It is probably because I took it as my reciprocation
to my weird classmate. I felt happy while I was writing it. But there was a
little bit of a kind of feeling that is concerned with what will happen to her
if I keep on pouring out my ideas and making the content of the essay be
dominated with my words and style.
Knowing this, I hope her to be happy
that I have helped her and not realize that somehow, my help might be a leading
factor for her to be in a difficult situation.