Talkative

Yesterday, class dismissal was around 3:30 PM.
Some students at that time don't go home yet because they have clean their classroom for they may be the cleaners for that day.

I was supposed to make homeworks at that time so that I will have lesser to do at home.

But I did not.

I was not one of the assigned cleaners yesterday (because I am a Thursday cleaner) but I helped cleaned the classroom by sweeping the floor.

I don't remember exactly why I volunteered to help clean the classroom instead of doing my homework.

Well, it was probably out of laziness. That's why I cleaned.

Myself kept on telling me that I should do my homework. But my other self told me "nah, you can do it at home"
but other self told me "but you get sleepy easily. So you may not be able to finish all homeworks at home. So do your homework now."
but other self tells me
"dont believe what ur other self says. You'll surely finish your homework at home and you'll never feel sleepy. You can do it."

So I spent my time on cleaning and not for homework.

I usually wait for my father to arrive at school to pick me up.

After I cleaned, I proceeded to the guard house and sat in the bench.

With my jogging pants as part of my uniform every wednesday, I feel comfortable.

I was looking into the space whole thinking of something (i forgot what I thought).
But the noise from the boy sitting near me somehow distracts it.
He was talking with my other classmate from the opposite bench.

The boy seemed to be talkative.

They talked and talked until my name was mentioned which made my attention be attracted on him.

When he said my name, I felt different.

Usually, people around me call me "Ding".
To me, when it is spoken, it sounds cute and not really serious. Most of the time I feel like young when I'm called Ding. So I got used to it. But calling me by my real name, it sounded new to me and it was as if I was treated seriously as a person. Of course his manner of speaking also controbuted to the effect which made me say I'm treated seriously.

From hearing my name from him, I started talking with him in English.

to be contined (coz im sleepy)


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Let It Be!!!

Despite having seen that man's negative look today (as always and which I don't really feel good sensing it), I feel happy today.

The corps commander, the boyish girl from the other class section, seemed to be in good mood while manning us.

She usually shouts and gets angry at us for having unsatisfactory performance.

So I think today I saw a difference in her.

Also, now, my eagerness seems to be ignited.

I really like it when I am in such mood.

Maybe, when I'm able to realize the positive side of the observation previously perceived as negative, I feel good.

I like it when people around me seem to be in good mood! There was not a lot of frowning faces I saw today.




Since days ago, I was thinking of some principles.

My conclusion of my thought was "whatever" and "let it be".

I like those words very much.

Everyone seems to have been fighting for what he thinks is right, what he believes 'til the present time.

Me too.

Let it be that I shall be fighting for my belief however foolish I may be thought!!!


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Becoming Blurry

Lately, I've been feeling sleepier than usual every night.
And I'm getting lazy.


What's wrong?


Well, I guess I am losing vision of what is really myself.


Sigh.



To a certain degree, sometimes, cursing makes a peron feel better.


"F*ck off" is what I wanna say now.



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Friends at Exchanging Smiles

There was an activity that was held last Saturday and I did not attend.

The activity was a requirement for the subject. I did not know that it was a requirement.

I was informed by my classmate that it was a requirement today.

I feel not really good for I think I missed something important.

I thought of making an excuse for not attending.

I heard my classmate say that she was not supposed to go there but since it was a requirement, she went there and attended the activity.

To me, this means if it wasn't a requirement to attend, she wouldn't be attending.

I thought of using that as a reason to say to the teacher
"I did not know it was a requirement"

But I did not say it.

The teacher said I must submit an excuse letter.

I thought of writing this:

"I did not attend the activity for I was not interested."

I thought of writing that because
because it seemed to me it is the truth.
Although it is true that I did not know that it is a requirement, still I prefer the reason above to be said.
It's straight to the point. And I seem not to excuse myself.
Excusing myself from it seems to mean that I am avoiding to be held responsible for it.



Anyway, I did not dwell so much in that thinking.

This afternoon, as I and 2 of my male classmates walked towards the exit carrying some of my bags, we stopped walking by the time we reached near the water dispensor. Because there was this brother who talked to us.
And I was told by him that he searched for me during that activity.
He turned his head to find a certain student among the crowd. <-- He portrayed this action in front of us today.

"Where is that girl??", he said that he said that to himself at that time.

As I heard him speaking about he was looking for me, I felt thankful and kinda happy.

Of all the students, this brother of chocolate brown complexion looked for me.

I wondered why.

But I thought it is probably natural.

I do not know so much about this brother.
I only know him by his face and smile and not so mich about his personal information.
Whenever our eyes meet, we don't fail to show a smile on our faces to each other.
I'm really happy when he does that to me.
For that, I've given him a letter of appreciation.

Maybe, that had leveled up the good atmosphere between us.
It's like we are friends in giving smiles to each other. hehe

So maybe it's natural that I was searched by him.
Again, it's because the good atmosphere between us had leveled up. ←Just my seemingly stupid conclusion



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just my thinking

Sigh.

I haven't really gotten over with what I did to myself.


Weeks ago, I asked my new Japanese friends if I could talk lunch with them.
After I said that, both of them looked at each other. 
Each of their facial expression seemed to me
"Today too? You'll join us? -_-"
I felt they were bored of me.
I climb up the bleacher and sat beside them.
They started unpacking their lunch box.
But I... I did not.
We did not talk.
And the atmosphere seemed to be weird to me.
They started eating. But I... I did not.
It seemed to me I was out of place.
"Today, are you not in good mood?", I kind of thought like that.
I was feeling I was mendokusai, maybe.
So I decided not to eat lunch with them.
"I will go.", I said to them.
And I ran away from them.

Since then, I did not take lunch with them.

I did an action which was based on my feeling which was not proven true yet.
I'm stupid always.

Sigh.

But I really want to become good friends with them.
Why did I allow myself to do such action?

If I want to become friends with them, I must meet them again and talk and forget about the stupidity I did.
Even if it is true they treat me as mendokusai,
I have to be persistent to become really good friends with them.
With my persistence, who knows, they might treat me really as their friend.

I like them. 
It's one of my dreams really to have good Japanese friends while I'm still a student.
So I'm going to continue to approach them. 
Ohh but I feel very shy now T_T
But I really really want to approach them again.


COURAGE is what I need. Un.

Tomorrow, I will do it. I will approach them again and say to her
"I sent you email. Please check."

Music from 1960s

Yesterday, my batch mates and I practiced dancing.
We used a music from 1960s.
It's from beatles.
I really liked listening to it as I danced.
As I was listening to it, it makes my dance moves exaggerated. lol

Yes, I liked listening to that music.
So yesterday evening at home, I searched the music on the internet. But I did not know the title.

In Youtube, I found this 1960 music.
Although it was not the music that was used for our dance practice,
 I find this music pleasing to me.  

Let's Eat Together

Now, I cannot concentrate on my work. I keep on thinking about my recent new friends in school. They are Japanese. I’m always happy with them. о(ж＞▽＜)ｙ ☆

2 weeks ago (January 9), it was my first time to eat meal for lunch together with my young girl friend.My young girl friend is 9 years old. And to me, she seems nice.

Today, I will be sharing about what happened on that day.

During the CLF subject, we went to the chapel to arrange some things.

In the chapel, empty boxes of gifts were rearranged by me and some of my classmates.

As I put those back again, I noticed there was a letter attached to 2 of the boxes.

I stopped and sat in the bench to read them.

The letters contained the wishes of the children in school.

Mostly, they hoped for good health, and that their mom/dad would come home from abroad and be together with them and their family on Christmas day.

In reading it, I compared my wishes to these children’s. In reading their wishes, somehow I was able to get a wider point of view of the value of things.

I have my mom and dad and we see each other every day but unlike the wishes of the children in the letter, I do not have the want to communicate with them so much and we seem not to express so much loving emotions to one another.

 Although I do not show so much loving emotion to them, I thought I must be lucky. I have what other people wish to have. And all I need is to approach and talk to my parents. While others, still fervently wishing for their mom and dad to come home and meet them from a very distant place.

After rearranging, we prayed.

I think I did not do so much. I was a little bored. And while praying, I remember I was feeling sleepy. I was imagining I was getting along with her and her niichan and I wished I would receive a letter from her that day. I felt happy just imagining it and remembering that we had a talk the other day on the stairs of the lobby.

After the prayer finished, we went back to our classroom.

As usual, I walked alone but I do not feel lonely because I have many thoughts that make me be happy.

My eyes were directed at the entrance of the classroom and so I walked towards it but it stopped when I saw my asparagus happy teacher talking with my young friend.

I walked towards them and I was told by the teacher that she was waiting for me.

She presented something to me. It was a pink plastic containing something.

 And of course, I said thank you.

We were surrounded with many students, especially my classmates. And they started teasing me.

After saying thank you to her, I did not know how to end our meeting. I thought I must say something to her. Then I noticed something. I think, she usually comes in this building and waits for her niichan to come out from the classroom where he stays in. Her niichan was not with her so I thought she must be still waiting for him.

I told that to her.

“Niichan, matteiru ne.” <- You are waiting for your elder brother, right.”

But she shook her head and said that her niichan is absent.

Then, she said something that gave light to my world and brighten myself.

 “Let’s eat together.”

I was very happy after I heard those words coming from my cute young friend.

I thought my relationship with her had leveled up. :D

At the same time, I felt nervous. I do not know why. Maybe I was too happy. haha

I walked in the classroom and got my bag beneath my chair which contained my lunch box and water jug.

Then, we started walking together at her pace towards the place where she and her niichan usually eats.

The place was the bleacher. On the topmost part of it, we sat. She was on my left side.

We started to untie our bags and got our lunch boxes.

My bag’s color is pink. While hers… it was probably yellow.

She took out her chopsticks and did itadakimasu.

I thought she was different from what I saw in the anime. What I saw in the anime was usually a person having big smile saying itadakimasu before eating with loud voice. But her… maybe quite normal. Having got the feeling that she’s ordinary, I felt comfortable

We ate together.

It was peaceful for no students eats and talks there but only us. We could enjoy feeling the fresh air blowing us. And then watch the grasses on the ground graciously move to the left and right as the wind blows it. Furthermore, we could see the students walking towards here and there, some of whom we saw may seem to be lonely and showing a downcast appearance and some, enjoying talking with their friends with loud voices. From that place we sat on, we could get a wider point of view as to what was happening.

As we eat our food, I asked many questions to her which made me slow to finish eating.

I thought it was necessary that we have a conversation during eating. Otherwise, there would be silence and so what will our eating together be all about?

At that time, to me, eating together with her was not enough so I must talk something while we eat so that I and her can enjoy.

But I realized how foolish I was for not thinking so much. At that time, to me, talking something means words are necessary to enjoy a time with a person.  But as I think it again now, I think words are not really necessary to enjoy a time with a person.

Well, whatever. There would be the same fate waiting for us all, anyway.

She told me there is something in the plastic.

And I checked it and it contained a bracelet.

I told her that there is actually a present for her that was bought in the previous year and that it was chosen by my mom and that I would bring it tomorrow and give it to her. After I said this, I saw an eager look from her.

I was able to know her favorite food which is hamburger and her favorite teacher and the reason why she likes that teacher (it is because that teacher is funny). Also, I was able to know where her niichan currently is (he is in the hospital). She said something, but I do not understand wholly what she said to me. She gestured something which seemed to me there is an injection applied to her niichan’s anterior region of his elbow. She probably said to me the reason why. But I just do not know the meaning of what she said because it was spoken in words which I don’t understand. w

Then, 2 of my classmates arrived and looked at her, eating. My young friend covered her face with her lunch box. Hmm maybe she was finishing it off? Or just shy? I do not know.

Then we continued talking. I talked about my friends on the internet who are mostly old and that they are funny and good friends. And she asked if I ever had a friend who is a young girl. That took me a long time to answer it because I did not know how to express what I wanted to say in Japanese.  Lol

She talked about Buddhist in Japan but I mostly don’t understand what she said. However, I still continued to nod. I pretended that I understood what she was saying. www

Then, she watches news every day (Japanese news) and since it is in kanji, her mother teaches her about it. I thought, that watching news as kid is awesome. For me, I do not watch news on TV every day. I must be an idiot. w

Then after everything, we took picture of ourselves, of course with the help of my classmate.

I said to her that I would send to my internet friend but she prompted me not to do so until she asks her mother if it is okay. And I agreed.

Then, classes almost started. So it is time for her to bid goodbye to me. Before we parted our ways, she said to me to write a letter to her again.

Of course I was very happy :D
To be friends with a Japanese in real world and do things like this is one of my dreamsо(ж＞▽＜)ｙ ☆


This is what she gave me ↓

Monkey girl wears it 

I closed my hands to avoid my large hand being exposed. (*^▽^*)

Up main theme

Many months ago, I kept on listening to this music.
But as time passed by, I stopped listening to it. 
I forgot why. 
Maybe my mind was just full so made me forget about this.

Anyway, I like the movie and the music. :D
It tells about an old man getting back his enthusiasm in trying to accomplish his dream. 
And that is one thing common to us all.

1/11/14

"Sir_____ only loves Ding", I heard the corps say that in front of the corps and staff which includes me.

I'm Ding.

E?

So my corps commander thinks like that...


In the afternoon,
I saw 3 student couples being very sweet to each other (hugging, kissing). And they are students. And I was surprised because I never knew until yesterday that my schoolmate having the same age as I has a girlfriend.

Since I was assigned to observe the behavior of the students in the afternoon for 15 minutes, I recorded what I saw. Then, I might submit it to the principal.

I told about this to my fat classmate who became thin.
But he said, "I have no fears!!"

I had a conversation with him.
And I quite enjoyed it.
His GF only listened.
I ask him what they usually do as a couple (for example, what topic do u talk about..)
but he said they dont need words.

Wow

By the way, their love is Romantic love





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new year

Today is January 3, 2014.
It's new year. 
A year has passed since my dog was lost and found.

Thinking about it, it makes me say that time flies so fast.
It is faster than what I've thought the previous years.
Busy tackling my own business, I was not able to have a keen observation of the time passing by so quickly.

2013 was a year of stress to me. It was a time in which I was really tested.
I wonder, is this a mark of transition to my adult life?
In times of hardship, it was indeed difficult for me to maintain a healthy mind.
I had not really shown a remarkable resilience.
When I seemed to be greatly in trouble, I forgot the good times that happened to me. 

Whatever.

At last, they seemed to have ended already. I do not want to be stuck again in such mental situation. Even though I am not imprisoned in the jail, I felt like I was imprisoned in my own world-- mind. It's no good.
You can liken me to a bird being encaged. I couldn't spread my wings.
I was not free!

Someday, I know I will be experiencing that again.
I must get myself ready (find reasons why I should be happy).

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, I did what I must do since before. 
Is it too late?
In October, I spent a time writing a letter to her.
There were times I had to write a letter again and again 'til I get satisfied.
But in the end, I did not hand it to her.
Did I just waste my time?

In December, I made another letter addressed to her. 
I thought that was really the one that should be handed to her.
Now, I'm having second-thoughts whether to hand it to her or not.

After listening to my friend last night who's experiencing just the same as what I had experienced, 
I decided to confess to my leader the things I ought to confess that makes me relieved.
So I sent a message to her.
I sent her a text message using my phone.
It said there, "Where are you? Check your Facebook. You got message from me. It's about "Fear".
But she said "What has it got to do with me? I'll check it later".
So she checked it several hours later and replied to me.

I'm relieved I could tell it.

to be continued