Dear diary

Dear diary

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05Jul
- Kouhai
  Got more of them coming in this week.I will try to be nice to all of them, but I won't try to force anything. Be natural.I haven't been praying as I said I would. Need to make it habitual.However, God has answered one of them at least. The one about finding a new tuitee. It came in shortly I took a nap last night. If I don't get it, I feel like that will be destiny as well. I hope I do. I need that extra $360 a month. It's basically my monthly upkeep.Please God, let me have that tuition. It will make my dream come true much earlier.
28Jun
- Rationing data
  I am rationing data now. Got two more days until the month is over.I don't really have anything to talk about actually.I only think about the same few things these days. It's boring.I had a long chat with Auntie Sally two nights ago. She asked me to pray for things to get better and to keep doing it for three months. I forgot about it two nights in a row already. God must be disappointed in me.I am disappointed in myself too.Friendly reminder to pray tonight. For an angel to descend from Heaven and save me from my family and home.God does exist. He put Auntie Sally in my life. She was my first angel. What can I do for her to repay her? Becoming a Christian?Yet at the same time I can't have faith in a God who would give me such a life..I don't know what to believe anymore.And so, I pray. Although I shall be careful what I pray for.I pray that I can find more Japanese students to teach soon. At a good price.I pray that I will be able to meet my close friends more. They are the ones who keep my sadness at bay.I pray that my two angels, Auntie Sally and Xinyue will stay healthy and be happy forever.I pray that I will one day be able to work on important titles that will propel me towards my career goals.I pray that I get to leave my home as soon as possible, and that my mum will be able to take care of my useless siblings after I'm gone.I pray that she will stop haunting my mind, so that I can finally move on with life.I feel like if I have my own room, I will at least be able to fap all my sadness away. Pathetic as that may sound. It worked well in Japan.I prayed for so many things, but I feel like the only thing I want is to have my own room. Not even a house. It's the one thing that will make me happy. To wake up to the sun, to have complete solitude. To not have to deal with my fucked up family anymore. What I wouldn't do to have it. I wouldn't mind sacrificing a lot of my free time to make more money and achieve that quickly.But renting will just make it even more distant. It would be easier if I just killed myself. No worries, no more. Happy ending.
27Jun
- Gamer
  I have never been ashamed of being a gamer.And I will never pretend not to be one. I can't deny my raison d'etre.I will embrace it fully.I am going to buy The Last of Us Remastered now. And when I get home, I will play that.After I'm done with that, I will go marathon the Uncharted series.Sorry, western games. I was an idiot for not giving you a chance. I know better now.I will broaden my gaming horizon. Maybe it will help with my work someday. Hopefully.
26Jun
- Sora no kiseki
  I started the kiseki series during my internship at razer, between 18 May to 24 July, with Sora no kiseki.Now, two years later, I am playing Sora no kiseki the third.That was also around the time I went back to non-visual novel games.I think it started with Valkyria Chronicles, in December 2014? I got Leo to thank for that. My love for games got rekindled then and it's amazing how many games I have completed since then.
24Jun
- Until Dawn
  Hello world!I started playing until dawn last night, thanks to S-chan's game demo.S-chan is a true blue gamer girl. The kind of girl that all gamers dream to have as a girlfriend.I am no exception. But just like how gamer girls are really popular, gamer guys are not.She's pretty cute too. What the hell...Although I believe I'm sociable and confident enough for one to not think of me as the stereotypical gamer.It doesn't matter though, the fact is that no girls like me. Woopsie daisy.As for the game itself, it features a group of teenagers. Some of the girls seem really slutty. Okay not some, just Jessica. Do girls actually behave that way? Maybe towards hot guys.
23Jun
- Hari Raya Puasa
  It's finally time for Muslims to break their fast.And how does that affect me? Well... It's a public holiday! Hurray!I'm gonna be playing games, of course. As if I even do anything else in life.I borrowed a game demonstrated by S-chan, called Until Dawn.She altered my future just like that. Butterfly Effect!
22Jun
- Dating apps
  I started using a lot of dating apps lately. Many of them are just outlets for girls' ego. People who accept gifts without any intention to reciprocate.Some of the services are serious, I found out. Gaigai requires one to meet up with a consultant for a discussion. Lunch Actually called me during office hours earlier today. I didn't pick up the call, and they emailed me instead.I don't know how serious I am about trying these services. I mocked these dating apps, and now I'm using them. I still don't believe they work, and deep down I think people who use them are either desperate or just very undesirable. Which means I am... desperate or undesirable too. Or both.Because of this prejudice, I can't bring myself to embrace these services. My silly pride is getting in the way.I do think that being able to eliminate the guessing-whether-someone-is-single part is great though.And be careful what you wish for. I am easily say hi to the Cinderella Girl now, shortly after I decided to give up on her entirely.Thanks for torturing me, dear Gods and Goddesses of love.Can I wish for the reverse of that now?I wish I can just totally lose interest in romance. It is hopeless. Who will like a short piece of shit like me? I don't want to feel that annoying heartache ever again.As if I hadn't had enough of that yet. Seriously, just screw it. The Princess was right. I should distance myself from people. I can understand what she meant now.What I wish now... is to make lots of money. Gods and Goddesses of wealth and fortune, please grant me opportunities to make money. Let me throw myself at money making so I shall never have to feel so much self-loath. I can't take it much longer.Or maybe just kill me. That will certainly make life a lot easier. I never felt much attachment to living anyway.Someone, anyone, please save me.
21Jun
- Pewdiepie
  I have been quite into Pewdiepie lately. Must have watched over a hundred of his videos now.He is a few days younger than me, but more successful than I can ever dream to be. Will I ever become successful, even by my own low standards? It seems so far away, and I'm not young anymore. Age is just a number, height is just a number, I feel like these are weighing me down way too much.I ought to only be concerned with what I have control over, and those are absolutely not things I can control.I keep criticising some of my friends for being desperate for a girlfriend, but it seems like I myself am also yearning for one badly. What a hypocrite.I need my house so badly. If I have it I'm certain that I will be content with being a forever alone.I wish there can be another miracle encounter like with the Princess at the design class.I miss her so badly. How long will she continue to torture me? It is so unfair that I have to suffer so much. I just want it to be over. Please.God, please end my suffering. I beg of you. What do I have to do for the suffering to end? At least drop me a hint. I will do it.
20Jun
- God's prank
  I don't want to see her again. Why did she appear in front of me twice today when she usually doesn't even once? Feels awfully much like a divine prank.I prayed for things to go well between us, but I have changed my mind. Please, just get her out of my life now.
- Father's Day
  This is a day that means nothing in my household.My father has utterly failed as a father. None of his children talks to him. Even my mum can't stand him.It seems quite unlikely that I will ever become someone's father, but if I do, I will never be like him.Because of him, my life is so messed up.I will thank him for two things though. Things I ought not to take for granted. Bringing me to this world, and paying for my education and living until I was able to take care of myself.I will repay him, and move on to my own life outside my family as soon as I can.
19Jun
- New blog
  This is my new blog.Free from the clutches of lost love.