I am rationing data now. Got two more days until the month is over.
I don't really have anything to talk about actually.
I only think about the same few things these days. It's boring.
I had a long chat with Auntie Sally two nights ago. She asked me to pray for things to get better and to keep doing it for three months. I forgot about it two nights in a row already. God must be disappointed in me.
I am disappointed in myself too.
Friendly reminder to pray tonight. For an angel to descend from Heaven and save me from my family and home.
God does exist. He put Auntie Sally in my life. She was my first angel. What can I do for her to repay her? Becoming a Christian?
Yet at the same time I can't have faith in a God who would give me such a life..
I don't know what to believe anymore.
And so, I pray. Although I shall be careful what I pray for.
I pray that I can find more Japanese students to teach soon. At a good price.
I pray that I will be able to meet my close friends more. They are the ones who keep my sadness at bay.
I pray that my two angels, Auntie Sally and Xinyue will stay healthy and be happy forever.
I pray that I will one day be able to work on important titles that will propel me towards my career goals.
I pray that I get to leave my home as soon as possible, and that my mum will be able to take care of my useless siblings after I'm gone.
I pray that she will stop haunting my mind, so that I can finally move on with life.
I feel like if I have my own room, I will at least be able to fap all my sadness away. Pathetic as that may sound. It worked well in Japan.
I prayed for so many things, but I feel like the only thing I want is to have my own room. Not even a house. It's the one thing that will make me happy. To wake up to the sun, to have complete solitude. To not have to deal with my fucked up family anymore. What I wouldn't do to have it. I wouldn't mind sacrificing a lot of my free time to make more money and achieve that quickly.
But renting will just make it even more distant. It would be easier if I just killed myself. No worries, no more. Happy ending.