October is Over

Well, it's time to see how i did this month. "To think very carefully about what i want to do, and to do some of the things".... i thought a lot, sure, but i still don't feel decided in any way. I don't feel better. Not that i expected to.

Anyway.

writing: 31 poems
I didn't write any. I wrote a bit, but i haven't given anything a second look yet. Someone i met this weekend told me they wanted to hear one of my poems. Not that i would have recited one, but i did feel embarrassed that i haven't written anything recently.

finish my keitai shousetsu.
Didn't touch it.
Well, i may have written a page or so at work one day.

cooking: make Shiori's "eco-bento" recipes in last months steady. This i did for sure!! Yay!! I have photos to prove it and i've translated the recipes into English for later (easier) use.

my wardrobe: I have not decided on a "direction," BUT i have decided i need to collect some "essentials" because i have such a hard time getting dressed every day and feeling good in what i wear. So i've compiled lists from several sources and have compared them with what i have; my next step is to make a shopping list and decide what i need first and where to buy various things.I also had a lot of fun buying things for my Halloween costume, and was told that my costume looked like i should dress like that all the time. Oh i want more dresses. The kind that have to be worn with jeans don't have the same prettiness.

happy handmade: I waited till the last minute, but Friday night i made my passbook case. It's not the cutest thing ever but it does the trick. I also started working on a cloud mobile.

photos: I definitely didn't take a picture every day. I feel like i really slacked off with photos but if i look back at my pictures i'll probably see that i have a picture from more days than i realize. I stopped trying to take pictures of myself though. Not consciously... i just haven't bothered.

financial: Well.... i'm on track with my goals, but i went wayyyy over budget in pretty much every category. (My budget amounts were quite arbitrary, since this is the first month i've actually kept track like this, but he fact that i went over ALL of them is a bad sign.) Somehow i still managed to have money leftover though. I guess i had some from last month, and probably spent some that belonged to this month. So, early November will be simple living.

work life: These past few weeks, busy with Halloween lessons and extra days after the school festivals, i've stopped thinking so critically about my days. I feel like i learned a lot though and it was good to criticize myself in a positive way instead of just feeling awful whenever i mess up. So i'd like to give that another try. Maybe i should keep a notebook going. I carry like five notebooks with me everywhere i go.... so maybe i should devote a section of one of those notebooks.

I successfully revised my bulletin board for Halloween -- however it's November now and it's still up there. Maybe i can re-do it tomorrow but i don't have a plan yet. Oh no, tomorrow's a half day.... so maybe it'll be Halloween for a while longer yet.

fitness: Yoga once a week. Not even once.

adventures: One new town on my own -- i did not do this as planned. I waited till the end of the month, after payday. I was on my way to the station when i decided it was cold, windy, and miserable and i would not enjoy my time, so i turned around. It then hailed for the rest of the day so i'm happy with my choice. I DID go to Hirosaki on my own this weekend but i had been there before a little, and i was going to an event with other people so it wasn't really the "explore on my own" day i wanted to do.

The cafe night -- i did do this. Just last week. (I procrastinate.) I'm happy i went -- it's more difficult than it sounds to have a fun evening eating cake for dinner in a cute cafe. After work, i just want to go home sit by my stove, not go out and about in the city on a rainy night. I had some last minute Halloween things to buy this time, so that motivated me to get on the train... and i was rewarded by discovering a book at the cafe, all about the cute cafes in this area. The sweet potato cake was not as good as the pumpkin cheesecake, but it's fun to get chai.

japanese: Totally failed this goal. My "official" lesson materials came this month so i've already finished the first book (it's beginning level, and i just felt a little short of intermediate and didn't want the stress...) and i've also been playing kanji games online from time to time.

cleaning: I definitely started making my bed every day, as planned, and then i definitely stopped. With the cold weather, i rearranged my house a bit and i'm happy with it, but living in the living room and a busy weekend has led to everything being really messy now, although i picked up Saturday morning.... I'm really looking forward to Wednesday when i can stay home and clean up.

Hobbies... didn't really make a goal there.

And i did not read the gospels. I started Matthew. It really shows how little i've been reading when i make a reasonable goal like that at the beginning of the month and see how far i have(n't) gotten at the end of the month.

So... that's six down, four up, and five "ok".
And now i'm going to take a bath.

10/25

Less than a week of October left. I have plans to squeeze some of my list items in this week... overall i can't say i've been terribly successful accomplishing them. Yet i'm already looking forward to making plans for next month.

Tomorrow is a holiday for me and although i really want to stay home and drink coffee for a long time in the morning, i'm forcing myself to go to a new town. Although when i wrote that, it sounded so appealing that my determination is now faltering.

I've burned through my paycheck so quickly in just a few days, i feel a little guilty doing the things i planned to do this week. What did i even buy? I had a few expensive bills, plus i had to buy rice, and i stocked up a little at the import store -- like it's inconvenient to go there! It's right in the train station! But peanut butter was on sale.

Oh i was just having the nicest day dream, but the kind when you come back to reality it becomes the saddest thing ever.

But i trust. I wait. I beg. Mercy mercy mercy.

October 20th

Today my three biggest mistakes (that i'm aware of) all happened during one conversation. This particular teacher seems to be present for all of my biggest blunders. It's amazing he's still nice to me!

My first mistake was an actual, real mistake. I was impatient. I should have been patient. Instead of waiting for for them to finish what they were doing i went and found them and reminded him i needed to talk to him. I could have just waited. It's not like i had plans.

My second mistake was not a "real" mistake. Well it was, in that i was rather rude. But it wasn't, in that i didn't mean to be rude at all. I just don't know how to talk. I meant to say "do you have time?" and i'm pretty sure what i was thought to have said was "i don't have much time, so..."

:( I'm sad about that. I'm like the least busiest person in the whole office -- how rude to act like i'm the one with stuff to do. But my intentions were good.

My third mistake was when he said he would get something ready for class. I really should have offered to do it or to help with it. I didn't think about this till i'd already left. He'll be there for another hour or two and i really didn't have to go anywhere. I could have done it tomorrow at my other school. Really i'm too agreeable, or something. If he'd said "can you do this?" i would have said "okay!" But he said "i'll do this" and so i said "okay!"

Well, i gotta dust off and whatnot. I have to 1. be patient. 2. learn how to say "do you have a minute?" and 3. make sure i have my fair share of stuff to do.

This is really the only teacher who plans the lessons together with me, so i'll have to wait another two weeks to try again.

***

Today i decided i should be more productive on my work days, in the evenings. I come home and just want to relax, BUT i'm usually not exhausted. If anything i'm reenergized as soon as i get home. I always think of all these things i want to do on my days off, and then i end up just relaxing all day and never get this stuff done.

I've already got most of what i had planned for tonight done. I cleaned the entryway as soon as i walked in the door. I picked out my outfits for the next three workdays. (My morning self is just not reliable. I always feel so ugly when morning self picks out my outfit.) This led to doing a load of laundry so i have the correct pants to wear. Friday's outfit was the trickiest, because i will ride my bike, so life if easier if i wear pants. But also, i have to get on stage in front of EVERYONE from both schools and read the lyrics to "The Sound of Music." So i don't want to feel scrubby. Maybe i should make a back-up outfit for Friday, actually. Maybe i wear a different shirt and demote my current ensemble to next Wednesday. Hmm.

It's cold in here. I want to wait till November before i turn on my heater.... but it's mighty chilly....

october 19th thoughts

It's harder to "think" than i thought it would be. I mean, i think ALL the time, but to actually come up with anything? This has been sort of a hard month. I've been really sad really frequently. I cry just about every day, at any time of the day. I had really bad cramps Saturday -- i've connected bad cramps with bad diet,and no cramps with good diet, but i don't think i've been eating particularly bad.I've been cooking pretty regularly... but maybe "not bad" doesn't equal "good."

Although this weekend -- the school festival (festival food and plenty of dessert), then an enkai (a lot of meat and beer) -- inspired me to eat only fresh, simple food today. Except for a croissant and coffee for breakfast, i've been sticking to it so far.

But, i'm baking bread now and i'm sure i'll want to try some when it's done.

Also i haven't really gotten much extra exercise; i'm sure that didn't help.

So what sort of girl will i be? Or what sort of woman, i guess. What do i mean by that? Do i just mean what kind of clothes should i wear? Or how will i decorate my house? (Will i decorate at all? I always think "it's just temporary." But it'll always be temporary. Just less temporary, someday, i hope.) I'm already the girl that i am, right? A girl who wants to be a housewife and have a pretty home, but doesn't really keep up with the housework very well. Cooking...i'm ok but still learning. A girl who dreamt of VHS tapes and Smiths cassettes last night; i woke up wanting to listen to the Smiths but when i woke up more and remembered better, i changed my mind. I like frilly, girly clothes. I like old fashioned styles. I want to feel like i look good in what i'm wearing. I don't want to feel fussy and uncomfortable. I like "natural" style of a girl who makes things, but i'm not sure the corresponding style of clothes suits me... what i mean is i'm not sure i look good in it. I like school style and little girls' type of clothes, but i think i'm getting too old to wear them well.

Am i looking for a new image? Am i looking for my identity?
I'm not looking for a NEW image. It's just... i left almost all of my clothes behind and now i have to buy some new stuff and it's got me shook up a bit. But that's bad, right? It's just stuff. I should be as strongly me no matter what i'm wearing. But i understand. (Hey i understand myself!) Nobody knows me. And i can barely TALK to them, using language. They just SEE me... wearing clothes that don't make me feel good about myself. Making a huge mess trying to eat udon. About to cry because there was a cookie on every desk but mine. Having just cried because of such a broken heart (they probably think i'm homesick or something).

I believe identity shouldn't be found in anything external... clothes, job, people, hobbies.... Now i realize that's much harder to practice than i thought. I built identities together with people i love... "let's be like this" "oh look how we are"... and by myself, based on those relationships... the caretaking granddaughter, the older-sister-friend, the sweet favorite girl.

So now, now that i don't have anything... i feel like i have to figure out who i'm going to be. But at the same time i don't feel any different than i ever have. I'm exactly the same. I like the same things, i want the same things, i love the same people. I'm going to be who i've been... it's just more painful right now.

But what a challenge, monks and nuns! To be nobody but someone to whom God has given grace. That's all anybody is anyway... but to see myself that way? To please God alone? No identity in things, job, friends, family... just to see myself as someone loved by God. Great parts of me don't even want to! I want to be special; i want to create my own identity.

Of course it was God who made us creative people, so there's good in that, too. But everything i am is from God. I want to glorify him by being myself, by liking coffee and cafe cookies with thankfulness, by loving and loving and loving even though i do it so poorly probably nobody even realizes i do love them.

I need to see myself accurately. Then, i should be humbled by how short i fall of what i should be; and at the same time, proud in a way.... delighted in God's creation, delighted to BE his creation. And then, stop thinking about myself, right???

October is half over.

Work was good today. I felt like my lesson went well, but i could also see some ways to make it better.

I have quite stopped making my bed again. I did it every day for several years...i guess it's not a priority when there's no one going to be here. It makes the house feel neater though so i should do it for my own sake.

I know i've been here for a while because when i read "sake" i see .

Wow i just read over my list and i've really been slacking. I may have missed a few picture days this week but besides that i've been doing ok. I learned a new kanji today that i actually learned years ago but of course forgot.

I did have a thought about my wardrobe today. I thought i should stop wearing clothes that don't make me feel great. This seems obvious but some clothes are just easy to throw on and when it's e.s. i might be thinking comfort and movability. That and i have a lack of clothes that make me feel great.

My internet is not working well lately. I am going to bed.