It's harder to "think" than i thought it would be. I mean, i think ALL the time, but to actually come up with anything? This has been sort of a hard month. I've been really sad really frequently. I cry just about every day, at any time of the day. I had really bad cramps Saturday -- i've connected bad cramps with bad diet,and no cramps with good diet, but i don't think i've been eating particularly bad.I've been cooking pretty regularly... but maybe "not bad" doesn't equal "good."
Although this weekend -- the school festival (festival food and plenty of dessert), then an enkai (a lot of meat and beer) -- inspired me to eat only fresh, simple food today. Except for a croissant and coffee for breakfast, i've been sticking to it so far.
But, i'm baking bread now and i'm sure i'll want to try some when it's done.
Also i haven't really gotten much extra exercise; i'm sure that didn't help.
So what sort of girl will i be? Or what sort of woman, i guess. What do i mean by that? Do i just mean what kind of clothes should i wear? Or how will i decorate my house? (Will i decorate at all? I always think "it's just temporary." But it'll always be temporary. Just less temporary, someday, i hope.) I'm already the girl that i am, right? A girl who wants to be a housewife and have a pretty home, but doesn't really keep up with the housework very well. Cooking...i'm ok but still learning. A girl who dreamt of VHS tapes and Smiths cassettes last night; i woke up wanting to listen to the Smiths but when i woke up more and remembered better, i changed my mind. I like frilly, girly clothes. I like old fashioned styles. I want to feel like i look good in what i'm wearing. I don't want to feel fussy and uncomfortable. I like "natural" style of a girl who makes things, but i'm not sure the corresponding style of clothes suits me... what i mean is i'm not sure i look good in it. I like school style and little girls' type of clothes, but i think i'm getting too old to wear them well.
Am i looking for a new image? Am i looking for my identity?
I'm not looking for a NEW image. It's just... i left almost all of my clothes behind and now i have to buy some new stuff and it's got me shook up a bit. But that's bad, right? It's just stuff. I should be as strongly me no matter what i'm wearing. But i understand. (Hey i understand myself!) Nobody knows me. And i can barely TALK to them, using language. They just SEE me... wearing clothes that don't make me feel good about myself. Making a huge mess trying to eat udon. About to cry because there was a cookie on every desk but mine. Having just cried because of such a broken heart (they probably think i'm homesick or something).
I believe identity shouldn't be found in anything external... clothes, job, people, hobbies.... Now i realize that's much harder to practice than i thought. I built identities together with people i love... "let's be like this" "oh look how we are"... and by myself, based on those relationships... the caretaking granddaughter, the older-sister-friend, the sweet favorite girl.
So now, now that i don't have anything... i feel like i have to figure out who i'm going to be. But at the same time i don't feel any different than i ever have. I'm exactly the same. I like the same things, i want the same things, i love the same people. I'm going to be who i've been... it's just more painful right now.
But what a challenge, monks and nuns! To be nobody but someone to whom God has given grace. That's all anybody is anyway... but to see myself that way? To please God alone? No identity in things, job, friends, family... just to see myself as someone loved by God. Great parts of me don't even want to! I want to be special; i want to create my own identity.
Of course it was God who made us creative people, so there's good in that, too. But everything i am is from God. I want to glorify him by being myself, by liking coffee and cafe cookies with thankfulness, by loving and loving and loving even though i do it so poorly probably nobody even realizes i do love them.
I need to see myself accurately. Then, i should be humbled by how short i fall of what i should be; and at the same time, proud in a way.... delighted in God's creation, delighted to BE his creation. And then, stop thinking about myself, right???
Although this weekend -- the school festival (festival food and plenty of dessert), then an enkai (a lot of meat and beer) -- inspired me to eat only fresh, simple food today. Except for a croissant and coffee for breakfast, i've been sticking to it so far.
But, i'm baking bread now and i'm sure i'll want to try some when it's done.
Also i haven't really gotten much extra exercise; i'm sure that didn't help.
So what sort of girl will i be? Or what sort of woman, i guess. What do i mean by that? Do i just mean what kind of clothes should i wear? Or how will i decorate my house? (Will i decorate at all? I always think "it's just temporary." But it'll always be temporary. Just less temporary, someday, i hope.) I'm already the girl that i am, right? A girl who wants to be a housewife and have a pretty home, but doesn't really keep up with the housework very well. Cooking...i'm ok but still learning. A girl who dreamt of VHS tapes and Smiths cassettes last night; i woke up wanting to listen to the Smiths but when i woke up more and remembered better, i changed my mind. I like frilly, girly clothes. I like old fashioned styles. I want to feel like i look good in what i'm wearing. I don't want to feel fussy and uncomfortable. I like "natural" style of a girl who makes things, but i'm not sure the corresponding style of clothes suits me... what i mean is i'm not sure i look good in it. I like school style and little girls' type of clothes, but i think i'm getting too old to wear them well.
Am i looking for a new image? Am i looking for my identity?
I'm not looking for a NEW image. It's just... i left almost all of my clothes behind and now i have to buy some new stuff and it's got me shook up a bit. But that's bad, right? It's just stuff. I should be as strongly me no matter what i'm wearing. But i understand. (Hey i understand myself!) Nobody knows me. And i can barely TALK to them, using language. They just SEE me... wearing clothes that don't make me feel good about myself. Making a huge mess trying to eat udon. About to cry because there was a cookie on every desk but mine. Having just cried because of such a broken heart (they probably think i'm homesick or something).
I believe identity shouldn't be found in anything external... clothes, job, people, hobbies.... Now i realize that's much harder to practice than i thought. I built identities together with people i love... "let's be like this" "oh look how we are"... and by myself, based on those relationships... the caretaking granddaughter, the older-sister-friend, the sweet favorite girl.
So now, now that i don't have anything... i feel like i have to figure out who i'm going to be. But at the same time i don't feel any different than i ever have. I'm exactly the same. I like the same things, i want the same things, i love the same people. I'm going to be who i've been... it's just more painful right now.
But what a challenge, monks and nuns! To be nobody but someone to whom God has given grace. That's all anybody is anyway... but to see myself that way? To please God alone? No identity in things, job, friends, family... just to see myself as someone loved by God. Great parts of me don't even want to! I want to be special; i want to create my own identity.
Of course it was God who made us creative people, so there's good in that, too. But everything i am is from God. I want to glorify him by being myself, by liking coffee and cafe cookies with thankfulness, by loving and loving and loving even though i do it so poorly probably nobody even realizes i do love them.
I need to see myself accurately. Then, i should be humbled by how short i fall of what i should be; and at the same time, proud in a way.... delighted in God's creation, delighted to BE his creation. And then, stop thinking about myself, right???