Thinking over my school day. I should have asked one of the groups if i could help them with their set-up. It was getting time for me to go and i was cold and hada sore throat, but... I should have at least tried. Sometimes it seems like it's more trouble for me to help because it's so difficult to explain to me what needs to be done.
I need to actually learn how to say "how can i help?" or "what can i do?" in Japanese. I thought i did but people give me confused looks when i say it so i might have memorized it wrong.
I'm probably getting sick because of recent insecticide overuse.
My internet is not working very well this evening.
It was a long weekend. What i mean is, it was an extended weekend. Monday being a holiday, and Tuesday i had off because i "worked" Saturday. Mostly i watched the kids' recital and ate lunch. We were dismissed at two.
That night was an enkai. Sunday i stayed home and was mostly unproductive. Monday i went to town and was somewhat productive at home. Tuesday i ran some errands here in the village and took an exploratory bike ride towards the mountains. I found a farmer setting his rice field on fire, a river, a construction site, and a shrine. I knew the shrine was there but i hadn't been yet. Oh, and apparently we have a castle. Or we used to. The English on the sign was vague, but i haven't seen a castle so i'm guessing it's no longer here. I'm thinking they'd be making a bigger deal of a 500 year old castle in the village.
It's been rough lately. My feeling hasn't changed at all. It hurts so much everyday. Crying myself to sleep every night is one thing, but at work? On my bike ride to school? Someone i don't even know vaguely mentions a song i haven't heard in forever? It might be the tiny tiny things that soothe, but it's the tiny tiny things that stab too. I don't deserve anything and it's God's to give and take away... but God please don't leave me here...
I want to feel like drawing hearts again. Now i don't want to draw anything.
My throat hurts a little. I hope i don't get a cold.
My lesson today.... maybe a little ambitious for a class i've only taught once, and me having only taught a handful of lessons at all. Teacher said, after school, that it was a good lesson and that it was fun. I didn't feel very good about it. I was thinking i should have made it simpler and given them even clearer guidelines. He said we should have done an example for the class before they started -- the same effect and probably simpler than trying to explain.
I read this kind of advice for teachers and think "yeah, of course" but in practice it's a lot more difficult to remember.
Also another teacher asked me rather randomly "do you hate fish?" I love fish, but i didn't like the fish in today's school lunch (rather bony) so i didn't eat very much of it. Apparently he noticed. I tried to explain that i didn't care for today's fish, but i'm pretty sure he thought i said i didn't like Japan's fish because he asked if the fish in Japan and the fish in America were different. I had already started attempting an answer before i realized why he was asking that.
What does he think of me now? The girls likes fish, but ew, not Japanese fish!?I can't imagine anyone feels that way, but even if they did, why would they say it? Unless they were just trying to annoy people?
I so often wonder what's going to become of me. In my mind i've just elaborated on that sentence in several long paragraphs going three different directions, but here -- i think i'll just leave it.
Just got back from an enkai. I'm drunk and kinda sad that i never get to go to the after-parties. I always have to catch the last train at ten. Actually tonight i caught a ride with the principal but the timing was about the same. I feel like the after-party is where i could really bond with my co-workers, but alas.
It was fun to see everybody all dressed up. And by dressed up, i mean not wearingtracksuits. They actually all own clothes that are not tracksuits?! It's great. Everyone looked rather cute. I feel like i get their personalities a little better, although there's still that cultural gap where furry boots might not mean the same thing here as they do back home. Not that anyone was wearing furry boots.
Everyone was so funny. I wish i could have stayed with them for a bit. I'm lonesome.
Today at school i learned that i have a lot to learn. More accurately, i have a lot i need to learn how to do... really "learn" might not be the right word. What i mean is, there is a huge gap between the way i am and the way i ought to be.
I'm not a quick thinker. I don't know if this can be changed. And, maybe most ofthe time, i'm not really present. I'm observing what's going on, but i'm not fully there. Maybe it's partly because most of what's going on is in a language i don't understand very well. It's like i'm reading a book or watching a movie. I'm really into it, but if the kid in the movie starts throwing up, i don't run for plastic bags and paper towel. I just sit there and think how poor third grade teachers have to clean up gross kid messes like this, and maybe that's not for me after all. Too bad their stupid assistant teachers seem to be pretending like it's not even happening!
After the fact, when i realize i should have acted but inexplicably didn't even think about it, i hate myself. Today i failed on pretty much every level available: as an employee, as a christian, as a woman, as an adult, as a compassionate human being. It might seem like i'm being overdramatic, but i'm really disappointed in myself. It's not like this is the first time i could have helped someone and didn't think about it till it was too late. But in this case, the window of opportunity was pretty big and i still failed.
I apologized (as best as i could) a little later, and teacher said he didn't mind and later caught up with me to compliment me on my honesty, which was nice but i still felt upset. And hopeless. I'm old enough to be better. Will i ever be different? Will i ever be fit for anything?
A bit later i was able to tell myself that i had made a mistake and fallen short, but all was not lost and i could learn from it and grow and become a better person. "Get back up."
I finished my eco bento recipes today. They were all delicious, although i burnt the teriyaki a bit and the curry was too salty. Next i should try my hand at writing my own!
It smelled good outside this morning, that autumn bonfire scent. There were lots of people out. Like four.
p.s. today i visited some of the students working on their painting. they were doing sort of reproductions of famous paintings. saying "matisse" outloud really made me want to go to an art museum.
