Ordinary Thoughts (VIII)

I finished my presentation for my proposal

Truthfully, i didn't expect i did it perfectly, and i didn't. But i did great and so far it's good for me to pass this step.

As i am waiting for it before, i feel, indifferent. I feel the weird calm before storm, and it does resemble what i was feeling before. I was thinking that why wouldn't i feel panic when it's one day before the presentation ? Perhaps it's because i feel ignorant for what will come or what will happend during the presentation, eitherway i feel perfectly calm, like the surface of water without any disturbant. All flat, and not a little bit wave on it.

After all it's done, i feel undisturbed. Is it because i excercise ? Or is it because i eat a lot of meat before ? I honestly love meat and perhaps it's one factor why i feel calm after that. I will actually gonna do it again if i have a chance even if i have to eat alone. I started a new habit (To be honest it's not new, but rather i just bought new book) which is going to cafe to read a book. It's felt amazing for me as i actually able to get focus on a book by myself eventho my surroundings is full of people coming with friends and or girlfriend or boyfriend. As i am sitting there alone, i rummage my book and just start to sinked in to my readings. I bought a new book which is another Haruki Murakami and since i want a new story, i bought a new one from Yagisawa Satoshi, Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (森崎書店の日々). The book is about an old bookshop, selling old or 2nd hand book and it's pretty great for me. To live in a room full with books to read, i would devour everybook, everyday, and just sit there to be on the other side of the world. The story is about a girl who just broke up from her dates and she quit her job because of it. Her uncle invited her to live in his bookshop, which is actually pretty convenient. Now, there's something i wanted to point out here that, in this story, it feels like japanese has a sense of quitting job whenever they like, which i can't feel. I have never thought of resigning from a job because perhaps i was looking for perfect job for me. Of course, i know it's not gonna happend in one go, i have to experience it first and i realized what i was doing after i graduate from my university is wrong. I do feel like i am restrained to an invisible chain and i have to break this chain for myself.

The story ended with a good stop in my opinion. The end of something and the beginning of something, it told me to express what i have to say to someone eventho it's bad or eventho it's crushing your soul, i still have to say it and i did it. It makes me feel enlighten a bit, and i feel better since then. Perhaps this is also plays role why i didn't panic that much, tho sometimes the feel of panicking still there. So, with this new novel i read, i discovered perhaps, one day i could actually end my label, and start a new label.

The next novel i bought is an old story written by english writer if i remember correctly. It's for kids that started to read i guess, but i bought it for my collection and i'd like to know what happened at the end of the series. I really love reading this novel because i could daydream myself doing the same thing as the character in the story. But reality slaps me with something different. Turns out the last chapter is so short, compare to the other chapter. The story is so straight forward, and it's super dull, i don't know how to feel it because the previous chapter was so good, but the last one is so mediocre to me now. I don't think it's because i am old, but i think it's because of the story itself so i don't blame myself for feeling or thinking like this. But i do feel nostalgic to read my old series and it was great story, i would give this to my children (If i have one).

Last thing that i want to finish is the Haruki Murakami. Of course, haruki murakami's world really interesting one and i really like how the story tells about something in life. I love how japanese literature did it, to tell about something and what is the possible outcome of something. This one is quite unique because the entire book is not only for one story, but a bunch of short stories into one. So far, i like the first chapter where a guy got invited to a mountain for a recital, and nobody is there. Then, some old guy tells him about Circle with many center. After that, there's also a chapter where a boy remember about a girl holding The Beatles record and he remember about it vividly. But nontheless he never found the girl anymore, it just stays in his dreams. The boy grown up and he break up with his first girlfriend. There's a phrase where i feel like it's connected to me.

"What i find strange about growing old isn't that I've gotten older. Not that the youthful me from the past has, without my realizing it, aged. What catches me off guard is, rather, how people from the same generation as me have become elderly, how all the pretty, vivacious girls I used to know are now old enough to have a couple grandkids. It's a little disconcerting-sad, even. Though i never feel sad at the fact that i have similarly aged. I think what makes me feel sad about the girls i knew growing old is that it forces me to admit, all over again, that my youthful dreams are gone forever."

"It's hard for me to say this now, but she never rang that special bell inside my ears. I listened as hard as I could, but never once did it ring. Sadly. The girl I knew in Tokyo was the one who did it for me. This isn't something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality. Either it happends or it doesn't. When it does, it happens of its own accord, in your consciousness or in a spot deep in your soul."

Not something you can choose freely, according to logic or morality....

This sentence does make me thing about a free will, where i can choose what i want. The label. The thing that i brought from i was born until now, which makes me who i am. If i had to choose to torn that label... i would gladly take that option.

I will talk about it in the next post, because my eyelids are getting heavy.

Good night.

First Self-Journey

Recently, i went to a convention event.

I decided to go out of my city for once and try to get into another circle of community, or perhaps, social community. I tried to save money as i could but i couldn't help it to bring some just for the sake of myself because it's my first time going out to another city. Eventho it's actually near my city where i live, i had to take train and do half circle just to get to where i wanted to go. The event is about doujin and community, games, anime, you name it. I actually went there twice before, but everytime i go there, the feels is really different and i had to admit that the changes is really suprising and actually scares me a bit.

The first time i went there is basicly just to challenge myself that i could actually go out from my house to nearby city, and it went pretty okay i guess, tho at that time, i was really naive back then that i couldn't help to feel restless everytime. It was fun but i had no special goal to go there, that's why i kinda just follow the flow and it was pretty okay to me for a first time experience. I didn't have to stay in that city, so i could go back anytime i want because it's near my city, with a train of course. The second time i went to this event, is actually pretty good. I had a good time eventho what i did is just sit for the entire day and not going anywhere because how full the places is and it's tiring me already thus i decided to just hangout with my online friends. This is the first time i went to look at the others costume, and etc. I'll get to that later, the 3rd time which is yesterday's event, is actually kinda okay for me. The place is a little bit far away and i had to stay for two night because i got tired and i couldn't move my body a bit. I rent a room with a bunch of my online friends and the room suprisingly great, it got air conditioner and so on. Eventho the water is a bit low, i still manage to get a great shower atleast. The place is close to AEON mall and the convention hall which is pretty convenient. I had no problem at all while staying, and it's a great experience nontheless.

The convention is kinda okay, tho i had to wait in line for couple hours just to get the tickets and get inside. The sole purpose why i went to this event is not for buying stuff, not for collection or anything but purely for my own. I challenge myself to go out and seek or perhaps trying to experience something different. If i went to this event twice already why i called it First self-journey? It's because this is the first time i went here with my own firm decision, and also the first time i go after my "realization". That is why i called it first self-journey.

Inside, there are community booth and booth for manga, fan art, etc. It was pretty okay, tho i mark this event not for market because it's for community nontheless, and people use this chance to hangout with their friend that is far away to gather into one place. There's a negative effect on this side is that it's hard to control how they're gonna act and such. The place is huge, and i am too tired to walk circling the area (Not to mention, i am exhausted because there's so many people and i feel like i got crushed mentally while circling, eventho i didn't show it or express it). I see now that the event is really growing, and it's really different from what i had from previous event before. Many people cosplaying with more unique costume here and there, more artwork, fanart, etc. This is the first time i am aware and try to read people's in an event like this. So i tried to look closer to their expression, how they dress, how they act, the way they talk, etc. When i was searching for lunch, i saw that now there's a lot of kids or school students that go with their parents, and once i saw a kids without their parents too. I was thinking, what were they thinking and what the parents think to go for such event like this as it's actually not for old people that is not interested in these kind of thing, for example, like myself. I got tired of myself but what about those people ?

Not just a kids tho, but there's also some that is probably a teenager going with their parents too, and it seems they're having a good time. What makes me scared is that, the world is confusing. I actually expected this, and i kinda see it already, but it just or probably because it's my first time that it actually scares me that the social community or construct or whatsoever is so different from mine. The cosplays, the event, the gathering, it's all kinda alien to me. Perhaps it's because i really used to formal situation like in university and such, and when i went to another universe, is that i feel alien to the surrounding that it makes me scares a bit. Tho, it also makes me wondering even more and wanted to read them even more.

Perhaps, this is what they called as Colors. As you can see, i don't have much colors in me and rather, i might probably not have any colors, but my online friends (Well, some of em), and others are bright like a stars which i don't want to be. The spotlights are everywhere, and i kinda understand that it's how they are and such. I went to a community booth and studying the surrounding while a friend of mine buying something and interact with them. It felt so alien to me, as i am not an interactive person with someone i don't know. But, seeing them giving me new perspective on things, and the world.

There's a main stage at the end of the hall and everyone gathered there, like an assembly point. The noise, the voices, the rumbling, it's kinda chill and weird at the same time. Tho i don't mind about it. The sounds from the main stage, the loud voices from speaker, is different for me and kinda tire me. I kinda don't understand a bit for those who able to endure these but i understand how they wanted to have fun. After awhile, i went back with my friends to our room and just relax a bit.

Now this is what makes me feels so different. We are about to go to Aeon mall just to hangout at night with friends. Truthfully, i really excited for us to go to Aeon mall instead going to convention event. I feel really different when i am in that mall. I don't feel scared, and i feel like i want to explore instead unlike when i am in the convention event. That mixed feeling really understandable as i am used to these kind of environment. Where i think about it as more "Public" instead that convention event. I figured out that i was thinking that the convention event is actually not a public places but more rather for some community like someone who likes games, anime, etc which to be honest, i don't reach that point. I just enjoy games, anime, and such not to the roots like them who wants to buy a fanart or something. These "Public" place to me kinda feels different because in the convention event, people dress, act, and etc totally different than this mall. Perhaps , even i could call it as "Jungle" to me. Thus, i prefer to hang out in these places like the aeon mall, instead of that convention center, tho i don't mind to go there once in a while just to hang out with my friends and feel the experience, afterall, experience is also one of knowledge.

After a day, i went back with train and completely going back to my life once again. Tho, i really feel like i am different. Perhaps after knowing there's too much different outside my head got me overwhelmed a bit. But i do enjoy these experience and all. Eitherway, i'll look forward to go to JP and see the experience with my own eyes. I still don't like to go to big convention but i enjoy the experience.