I think it's not good to focus too much on gloomy things, but I also recognise the importance of having an outlet for bad things that happen so that you can release that feeling and not be weighted down by it..
Lately, I'm missing Sebastián so much.
I think because I had so much to handle when he died (final assignment, and exam) and it was so unexpected because he always came through for us, he never stopped fighting and we have always been so lucky that he recovers really well. I couldn't process it, but when I am thinking about Christmas, or at bed time when usually he will scratch at my door, or when I go down stairs to make tea and expect to see him run up to me.. it's not very easy and it feels sad.
The anxiety and sad feeling today is because my dad was taken to hospital with chest pain. It's kind of my habit to believe 'it will be okay~ it's scary but it will be okay..' but then his results were bad and he has to stay there. It's scary.
And at times like this, I miss my fiance even more, and resent the distance, resent borders, resent the construction of countries all together because these concepts are the reason we're apart right now.
I think there are some moments, or some days, where no matter how positive or hopeful your disposition generally is, you can't help but feel the sadness and the colder side of things. It happens to all of us, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
The only thing I can focus on right now is my own actions, and kindness. Kindness to my mother, to my self, and to others who are affected by other things happening at the moment.