I've been thinking a lot lately about the feeling of home. I have a sense of Japan being my home now, in some ways but in other ways I think about how I need to change my job "and then I'll be able to call this place home"
I was reflecting on this yesterday, because a job? affecing whether or not a place feels like home. Something isn't right with that.
I thought about why this feeling and my settling in here has been stunted.
It's because of the painful and terrifying experiences I have had since my day landing here, because of this company.
And I feel robbed.
Having the joy and sense of accomplishment of my first job, moving out of my parents' house for the first time on my own, graduating university, making it to Japan, overshadowed by the sense of doom and impermanence that the threats and gaslighting I've been thrown at me, makes me feel robbed.
I have felt as though I had to constantly fight to prove myself to them, regardless of how good I became and how good I was, they have still treated me like a problem. In comparison to those who went through training with me, I was as good as or better than them in certain aspects of our work, since the company has observed me where the standard that everyone else follows was treated as a reason for firing me.
It is so detrimental for migrants to be harassed in this way. It has made it difficult for me to settle into my 'home' when I feel I can't unpack my suitcase because I'll be fired in a couple of weeks. Psychologically, that is a serious disruption for someone who has moved abroad.
So, I have decided to blog about and log the harassment that I am being put through daily.
I came here with dedication and trust for this company, and now I feel as though I am in a desperate wscramble to escape from a monster before I die.