I forgot to write this diary until now. It's more accurate to say that I have no energy to write this. It has many causes as usual. I don't know when and how I can escape from this situation. Of course, I know, it's easier to die than think. But I felt scary when I knew side effects of vaccine against COVID-19 and searched about how terrible it is to jump from the second floor of the building. Some people have no or a few wound while others break their waist, put some bolts on their legs, or die. I want to do it but I hate the side effects of jumping. I don't want to live in disgrace to lose my limbs. I want to pass away and go to the place no one knows. I don't want to think about anything. I just imagine to do it from the window of my school. It will make a big impact, I guess.
These days I always hurt my value by myself. I can't reply even one message from others because it hurts me a lot. Not only the sender but also the speed to talk and attitude toward the task hurts me. It says me, "Why can't you complete such a easy task? Why do you leave it to my junior despite you are older than him? Haven't you think that you don't want to become a senior who don't care about junior like some people I met in the club? Don't you think it is natural for you to be said that now you are exactly what the senior was. You are inferior to them rather than equal. You are far from equal. You are now a person who you have disliked since you was a junior high school students. Teachers and members in that time no longer trust me. They don't even look at me any more. What you should do is to die as early as possible, and everyone will be happy. "
Also I have skipped to bring some toys to children's restaurant though I have a promise to go there. I havn't done any work of book chief comitee even I have only 2 weeks left. I can't sleep these days because of anxiety. I feel anxious about to live tomorrow. It also hurts my health and deprive me of an energy.
It is often said that children are more likely commit suicide at the end of summer vacation; these days. Actually I want to die and be free from everything. I want to forget any good or bad things. I don't want to think about university admission or classmates or task or extracurricular activities. Even now I'm writing this staying late though I have to go to bed.
I'm sorry for my mom who prepares me three meals per day and pickup and drop-off me and clearn the house every single day. I'm sorry for my homeroom teacher who cares me a lot. I'm sorry for my senior who describe the ideal senior by themselves. I wanted to be a senior who is respected like you.
Today's song:【みきとP/ mikitoP】【Miku Hatsune／初音ミク】Sayoko／小夜子 - YouTube
I have to see you even I don't want to do