Now I'm fine despite I was writing some depressive. Certainly I was feeling so bad that I hoped to die. I imagined myself jumping from a window of a high buildings over and over again. I thought it is natural for me to get punished because I did a lot of annoying things to many people in the world. It is natural because I am a person who I haven't wanted to be and not take junior's attention seriously like some club members in my old days. It is because I have betrayed a bunch of people who trusted me even I know it's a bad thing. I can't allow myself. Even now I'm not sure whether I'm qualified to live here. My heart is surrounded by anxiety. There are a dozen of wounds I made on my left arm. I don't know what to do today. Studying is a way to escape from reality. I know it so I'm not glad even I am appraused my grade. I want to be recognized as a human, not a studying machine. But still gobs of people want me to be perfect. They don't try to approach me even they don't know me. I know school is not a place to foster the relationship with others so much. Even I am appraused so much, I feel I will not in the future due to my poor communication skills. I'm singing Kyu-Kurarin these days over and over again. "There is a sky with a rainbow, I wish I felt it beautiful, I can't escape from being burned, everyone think it stupid, now I have no way, I'm gyu-gurarin". "I have to say it's done" "Now I'm pendency"
I had vaccined yesterday. I felt to be killed scary even I hope to die. My muscles has a little bit pain like sore.
Is it possible for me to live? I'm suffering. Even I took 7 hours sleep, my anxiety doesn't seem to go away. I feel there is no place for me to stay anywhere. I wanted to write something bright, but it ends up to be impossible. I have to stop writing because I have no time. I have to go to school with no place to stay. How easy it is to be free from everything. No one give me love without any condition. People who love me love me because I have something good for them, not I have a special characteristic. I forgot what is my hobby. I am tired even I am doing no extracurricular activities or no test preparation. "Let me die here, let me die, I'm restless, nothing goes no right, no one treat, so honestly, " "Black, white, day, night, it's all the same" I came up to be able to write only such a sad thing. I wanted to write more meaningful. I will have to vut my wrist in some reason today. I cannot see my way clear. I have to go to phychosomatic medicine.
Today's song:(1) あだぽしゃ / いよわ feat.初音ミク（Adipocere / Iyowa feat.Hatsune Miku） - YouTube
I want to write something more funny.