Back on Track

After a little bout of depression, thing are back on track. Plan B is commencing.

I've been exhausted these last couple days, though. I didn't go to classes on Tuesday (but I emailed my professors and explained), though I went to class last night and stayed up getting things ready to go to class today.

Then I was so tired I almost plummetted down the stairs on the way out. I thought that was... not good, so I went bck to sleep. I woke up around 11ish and emailed my professors, again explaining.

I will make it to Spanish class tomorrow, come Hell or high water or, as seems to be the case here right now, high snow.

This weekend I'll work hard to get everything ready for classes next week so I won't have to stay up and play this eternal game of Catch Up.

I also resumed my exercise program today. My body was feeling sore and sluggish but now it's a little better. If I can get back into doing my exercises every night, even if I don't complete the programs, I'll be in better shape and start moving toward my weight loss goal for May. I've been slacking and I really need to get myself in gear.

So yes, life moves forward, hopefully without further comercial interruptions.

So Much For Dreams

This evening JET posted their list of applicants that will be asked to come to interviews. I was not one of those applicants. My friend was, and I'm happy for her, though extremely jealous at the moment.

So now what?

I've been asking myself this for the better part of the last two hours.

For the first hour I was a mess of crying and calling my family to let them know that they can stop expecting me to leave after graduation. I emailed my advisor to let her know the news and to inform her as to why I won't be in class tomorrow. I sent similar, though less personal, emails to my other professors.

I'm thinking about calling into work tomorrow as well, though I really do need the cash, so I'll probably suck it up for my three hour shift and start moving on with life.

Because moving on is what I have to do.

Plan B was to find an independant agency to go through but, really, they probably want me to be able to speak Japanese and, at the moment, I can't. It would take me a year to get to any kind of functional level, I'm sure. In that year, I'd have to find a new job anyhow - one that iwll pay for these student loans and whatnots.

So maybe Japan is out. Maybe I need to face grim reality and just plug on like the rest of creation.

I spent an hour and a half on the phone with Gio because he's my oldest friend in the world at the moment and he doesn't bother me with sentimental crap. The "so that means you're moving back to California when you graduate, right?" was the bit of predictability I needed to keep me sane.

For the moment, I'm packing up ship. I started taking my photosets off the walls and putting them into their albums. The posters and whatnots will slowly be going that way as well. I need to clean my apartment and make it more of a long-term domocile.

In this world, every day, dreams are crushed and swept away. Mine are clearly no different. Sometday I'll probably look back and think of the whole idea as some silly fancy. Ha ha I'll say.

Right now, though, I'm trying to figure out the point in trudging on for a degree when all it makes me is exhausted. I'm trying to figure out why I would bother when, come May, I'll just be in the same place I started. I know Val will make it through, and I will be happy for her. I probably won't want to be, because she'll be going somewhere and I'll be stuck here, rejected and lost.

Not good enough.

Presents!

Today, a package from a friend reminded me how much I really enjoy the music of 氷川　きよし. I know a lot of people don't like enka, but I really enjoy it.

Also, she sent cookies. Glorious cookies that are SO TASTY!!! But, since I'm trying to lose weight, I have to be careful that I don't go overboard.

Only a few more weeks and, in theory, JET will post who's made it to the interview stage. I'm pretty confident, but there's always that pinch of doubt. I hope everything will be okay and that I'll be able to go to Japan in July.

If not...well, I'm not altogether sure what I'll do. I haven't thought too much about it. Maybe it's best if I don't.

Days begin to pass

Days are passing quickly now that school is back in session.

I have a lot of homework to do but today...I barely got any done. (・・。)ゞ

I started on a story, though, so hopefully that will pan out nicely. I still have an essay to write and some other small lessons to complete, but it's manageable. At least I hope it is.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Ted Neeley's farewell tour of Jesus Christ Superstar. It's playing at the Buell in Denver and I'm really excited to be going.

I need to get to sleep now, though, so I can wake up early and do laundry..

109 Days to Go

I forgot how much working and going to school takes my energy away.

I get up at 5am and come home between 7:30 and 9pm every night except Monday and Friday.

At least, now that I know what my homework load will be like, I can schedule my study time better.

I'm old; I need sleep.

109 days until I graduate, though, which is what keeps me trucking along.

Mysterious

Tuesday begins the start of my last semester of college.

I've been in school a long time, though not as long as some. But, for an undergrad with no degrees, it's been a long haul that started in Fall of 2000 and will end in Spring of 2008.

The courses I'm taking are going to be interesting, I hope:

Phillosophy of Film
Advanced Fiction Writing II
American Realists and Naturalists
Elementary Spanish II

The Spanish class is still cheating, since I speak Spanish already, but I'm hoping it will be fun.

Today, as I was drawing up my bath and cooking food for the week, it dawned on me that this will likely be my last winter in Colorado for a while. Possibly my last winter in the US for a while.

It took me a while to conceptualize not being here with my cat and my job and all the other trappings of life that I've become accustomed to.

Soon, the constelations will have shifted off of the pattern I'm used to. Orion won't glide from spot to spot across familiar power lines anymore.

I'm ready, though. I've really needed a change these last two years so hopefully 2008 will bring it.

In the Middle of Tuesday

This is Bentley, my mother's overweight beagle. When I went home this Christmas, I found my favorite little puppy was now the size of two dogs. I took him on many walks and forbid anyone from feeding him table scraps. Hopefully it helped a little.

Today, I forgot to turn my rice cooker on in the morning so I didn't have breakfast ready when I left and had to eat my lunch for breakfast. (＃⌒∇⌒＃)ゞ

Now I'm going to clean out the closet in my room and get rid of all the pants that are too big that I've been holding onto for no reason. I need the space and, really, I hope to never fit into the larger pants again.

Yesterday I officially began my resolution work. I'm not doing anything drastic, just making an effort to eat better (no processed foods!) and move a little more every day. Small steps, but hopefully they will get the ball rolling toward bigger steps later in the month.

My top goal for this week is to get my house in order from the holiday disarray I finally unpacked and stored my luggage from my visit back home. Now I'm putting away laundry, cleaning the closet, and getting laundry ready to be done tomorrow.

On that note, I'll get back to work.

Awake but not by much

It's morning....


....and I'm exhausted.

Standard Saturday

This is a photo from the backyard of my parents' house in California.


ﾟ･:,｡ﾟ･:,｡★ﾟ･:,｡ﾟ･:,｡☆

Today I did some writing but, for the most part, I romped about the house with Val, catching up on TV programs and watching Shaun of the Dead.

Then we bought an easel pad and began planning for our co-written work. Storyboarding is my new favorite thing.

It's late, though, and I'm tired, so I'm going to bed now.


Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!!! (^з^)-☆Chu!!

No Progress

This is a picture of the Grand Canyon (part of it) that I took while on the plane to California)


*:..｡o○☆ﾟ･:,｡*:..｡o○☆


Do you ever get the feeling that you're losing your smartness?

That's how I've been feeling lately. I used to be pretty sharp, and a functional writer. Now everything I write feels ill-informed and elementary. And crappy. Let's not forget crappy.

My Japanese, for example; I've forgotten most of it over the last semester of school. Rules of grammar, kanji I knew - all of it's gone.

"I can't graduate this way." That's what I've been saying to myself these past few weeks as I look back at my year. There were some really phenominal moments and I've met a lot of wonderful people.

I regret none of that.

I think, though, that I need to better adjudicate my leisure time. Yes, talking to friends on the internet is fun, but I didn't read a single leisure book all year, just novels and whatnot for school. I'm going to try to read a book for fun at least every two months. Yes, with my schedule this semester it may take a while, but I want to do it, not only for my sanity, but because it will help me get back in the groove of writing real things, which is what I'll be doing this semester anyhow.

Original work. I used to write it a lot. Now...not so much. I barely churned anything out this year, chiefly because of a lack of motivation and a lack of a positive attitude.

This year, I'll get all of that on track. My goal for 2008 is to excercise more, both my body and my mind. I need to get back to the level of thinking I was at a year or two ago. I'm not as sharp as I was and not as informed.

I don't want 2008 to end with me feeling dumber. That's unacceptable.

Time to sleep now, though. I have work in the morning.