Spring Snow in Denver

Today it snowed. It started out more or less a normal day, then the flakes began to waft down and now, at the end of the day, everything is covered in light, white wonder. I'm still amazed every time I see snow sitting on trees, light enough not to bend branches but thick enough to to make it look like the tree, just blooming, is really just a snow construct.

So amazing.

The snow has put me in a hazy mood. I feel the urge to do some writing but, even more, I feel the urge to sleep. I'm worn out from today - it really felt like a long day.

This weekend, I've got a lot to do. Projects, papers, presentations...all of it due on the 22nd. 18 more days, though. I just have to hang in there for 18 more days!

Strong

Today I feel really good. I slept well and I'm about to head out to the university library to get some books for my research on the linguistic impact of the telephone.

Graduation is coming up in 22 days. Two weeks of classes, a week of exams, then BOOM! Done! I'm starting to get excited, even though I still have a lot of work left to do. Still, the end is at my fingertips.

I don't think I'm going to make my weight loss goal for graduation, but I"ll come close, which makes me happy. Considering the whole ovary thing lost me about a month of exercising properly and added on to the weight considerably, I think I've actually lost my target amount, even though I didn't get down to my goal weight. Still, I've dropped three sizes since last April, so I can't relaly complain. If I keep moving forward steadily and reasonably, good things will surely happen, right? Right.

That having been said, there's so many domestic things for me to take care of. I need to get rid of the old clothes that don't fit and start buying some that do. I bought a nie pair of jeans that fit and realized that I really didn't want to wear the non-fitting stuff anymore. It will all go. I don't want the temptation of wearing them just so I won't have to do laundry.

The house needs to be cleaned, too. I'll be having company, so I don't want the place looking slovenly. Hopefully, with all the presenation preparation for the research project, I can still squeeze in some mad dash cleaning.

Won't know unless I try, I guess.

Alright! Off to the library!

26 Days

26 days until I graduate. Hopefully. I don't forsee anything standing between me and the degree at this point, but if the year has taught me anything, it's not to get my hopes too high and not to be too cocky about things.

Still...I'm almost there!

And after that, things will change. I'm not sure how they'll change, I just know that I'm going to be making them change.

A new location is the first thing on my list. Whether I move to Japan as I want to or merely go to a different state for a while, I need to explore. I've been tied down by school and financial obligations and this and that. I'm done with those tethers now. Yes, there's some credit card business to settle, but not a whole lot of it. I could clear it up quickly if I chose to be frugal for a month or two.

Right now I have a big need to feel in control of my life. I want movement, progress of some sort - whether that's a mental, social, or monetary progress remains to be seen, but I have the feeling that I can attain things soon, put my mind toward things without distractions or hang ups.

Like a sleepy cat stretching in the sun, that's how I feel now.

Maybe I've been asleep a little too long.

Rising, Yet to Shine

I woke up to snow, drove to work in gloom, and now the clouds are parting somewhat to allow the sun to shine through. The snow will be back this evening, right before I'm supposed to leave the office.

I moved through my 26th birthday yesterday with the average amount of incident. My mom's in the hospital for her leg again - hopefully she'll be home soon - and there were some other problems with friends later in the evening. But, overall, it wasn't too bad. Val came over and we had lunch and watched old sentai shows.

Now it's back to the daily grind. I've got lots of projects and things coming up in the next few weeks. And then...finally...graduation.

34 days to go.

Birthday

This leopard (I took this photo when Val an I went to the zoo a couple weeks ago) tells you exactly how I feel this birthday. Technically, it isn't my birthday here yet, but it is in other parts of the world, so I'm counting the birthday as started.

This birth year was disappointing but also very very good. 25, for the most part, treated me well. I got to go to Japan twice, spending my 25th bday with Leigh and having a grand time, but as I approach the beginning of year 26, it's becoming more and more likely that that might be it for my adventures. I'll still try in May to get interviews with a few companies, but if strikes two and three come, I'm going to call it quits.

And then...I dunno. Lots of nothing, I suppose. Maybe a new state, a different, lame job - something of that nature. I think the life I've had here in Colorado served me well for moving me into a more independant place, but the longer I stay here, the more apparant it becomes that this isn't where I really want to be.

I'm stuck in routine right now. Routine work. Routine school. Routine friend - I say friend because I only have one who lives in this state.

There still lots of work for me to do, mentally. I need to somehow reconcile the fact that, really, I don't have any skills or many prospects for the future. I either need to make some or give up.

I've started to miss home, not necessarily for the location, but because it's where my best friend is and, really, it's pretty difficult to muddle on through telephone conversations. Also it might be nice to see mom and dad more. They're not too bad in small doses.

Bah, I'm tired and rambling. I'll got have some tea and contemplate dinner.

waiting for spring

Spring is slowly coming to Colorado. We still have snowy days, though.

I haven't updated this blog in a while, I guess. I suppose I've been busy-ish. Sickness, surgery, recovery, work, school - everything takes time. Lots of time.

habits

It seems to me that a lot of living is habitual.

Go home, feed fish, made dinner, study, check a website, check another....on and on it goes from day to day.

Maybe, because we live in habit, the bad ones are so hard to shake off and the good ones are so hard to start up.

mucky day, lots of thinking

I have given the day over to thought and, somewhat, to fancy. My body still doesn't do as I ask and, much of the day, I've been stuck in a ball, clutching my gut in agony. It's not doctor-seeking painful yet, and from past experiences I know it will fade, but it's still a bit of misery.

But, as I was saying, I've been letting my mind go today. The air is cold, the wind has changed from howling to refreshing, and the snow is gone though the sky remains white-grey. It's a lonely looking day and, really, a lonely-feeling day, which got me to thinking about lonlieness, particularly my own.

I think the internet has spoiled me. Such easy communication, flicking on a messenger service and chatting. I remember, still, a year and a half without the internet. I read. I dreamed. I wrote. I did all manner of things, but all on my own. More than that, though, I didn't mind the solitude. My computer, for the most part, remained off. I lounged on my living room couch, watched old films, studied, worked. I was much more industrious and, I think, a great deal more satisfied.

Now, I expect there to always be someone on the other end of the connection. I expect immediate companionship. I wonder, just a bit, if this is some sort of addiction. Or is it just a bad habit?

Digital fulfillment does not exist. That much I have concluded on. Digital communication only breeds a desire for actual communication which, in some individuals, is a greater anxiety than solitude.

Puzzling....puzzling....

ouch

My stomach hurts today.

Our zoo trip was postponed due to snow and lots of wind.

But, more than that, my stomach hurts. It's like a strong pinch to my right side. I'm hoping it's just gas or ovulation and not something horribly wrong.

I'll drink lots of fluids and see if that helps.

that kind of day

Have you ever had one of those days where, at the end of it, you're really not sure how you feel?

I'm not happy and I'm not sad. I'm not lonely, but I'm not feeling particularly loved.

I feel blank. Neutral. Numb.

I do miss my best friend right now. He's usually very good at sorting out what I'm thinking and helping me get myself back on track. I'll probably give him a call tomorrow.

I've been thinking, if I don't manage to get a job in Japan, I'll probably move back to California. I don't like it much, for a place to live, and it's expensive, but there's more work opportunities I can network there and I'll have my family and my friend.

Spiritually poor. That's how I've been feeling lately. Nothing like a religious longing, but more of a need to reconnect to myself. I don't really know how to express it. If you've been there, you know the feeling; if you haven't, well, feel lucky.

I'm going to bed now. It's late and I have many things planned for tomorrow.