How about having communication?? =)

This week starting from the worst in Monday has already past for 4days and my capacity is still not widen but get bit less tension. Guess it's just a result of temporary loosing temper however, the good thing is I got a little calm though may do that again. Nothing has happened but the events occurring from this August and keep on happening till present are really full of inspiration and suggest me so many things at same time. Being ambitious, being girlish, being honest, being attractive and, keeping better condition. Cannot help to keep on anxious for so many frictions and differences between standards and me. I know I was and I am a kind of ignorant and even I'm in the age of 23 still being unworldly.

THEN.
suddenly he call me again and we're gonna have so short together again...
> < !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yabbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
meikushiteneeeeeeeeeeee
nande kouiu hi ni kagitte......... ;-;
kiai wo nuitewa ikenaitoiukotodesune
sensei...

Trying to back to the ordinary

Nothing like breakthrough had happened to me but bit I was recovered.
May be the care of mom and the care of him worked.
Had some hurdle but, by clearing them one by one, finally I backed here. A little progress I suppose.
Now I feel a little better and grateful for their unconditional tenderness.
Thank you.

I've never thought about thing like this till age of 18 or 19 just before I met with Takeko-chan but, may be from arround that days, I start to learn what is the hardship of living life.
I've never imagined I myself drop in trap like this in those days.
I was totally a kind of ignorant and had a proper mentality.
And still now I losing some kind of confidence. But also confusing if it is an effect of this feeling or not.
Throughout this 5 and half years, I'd became to knew that I get too girlish when my eyes got stuck on somebody....
And whenever I fall in the feeling like that, I feel beyond describable happiness and slight uneasiness.
And as I do that again and again, my core become more and more fragile.
Sometimes I feel that change so scary. Because a part of me is believing that is a part of value of me and, actually some of my surrounding evaluating me by that weakened nature inside of me.
But on the other hand, it makes me nothing. I become more general and no more being somebody make sense to this world. It relieves me a little in some aspect.
It is always conflicting and makes me tired. And the physical condition lead me to fickle between the manic and depressive.
Now all I need is the physical power to keep myself better and, the care that support my mentality.
Try your best.
And something will return to you.

By the way, today I started to read "Norwegian forest" of Haruki Murakami.
Think its better than Japanese ver....
And I hope I could finish it someday :P

Gain some Lose some

Cried this morning. In front of somebody.
After long time from the last.
No, it's not that so long distance. Maybe the last time was this July. Still annoyed by same suffer and till now I can not get rid of its arrest.

How come I became like this??
I was strong. I was surely mighty in a past time.
But how it is now??
Now I became so weak.
Lose myself so easily and cannot be like the one I want.
What made me like this??
No doubt, a part of responsibility is on me but I cannot help to blame some of them.
The thing I needing desperately now is admission.
But they never give me that kind of action nor gratitude.
In such situation, how can I find my motivation??
Maybe that's the difference of male and female.
Does it mean I became a little feminine than before?? Because of love??
But although I can act like attractive girl, still I don't know way how to show my weakness to the others without giving up my dignity.
I'll never hate my clumsiness but, sometimes friction makes me really wanna cry .

This is the first....

Yes, this is the first blog I've ever wrote before beside NRI blog, and talk about "in English", this is absolutely the first one.

I start this blog to develop my English writing skill... coz, lately fortunately I could gain some opportunity to speak in English, but as I talk in that language, suffering and irritation inside of me for my non-fluency are raised gradually larger.
Especially the problem is the grammar and vocabulary.
Don't know why but somehow I can compose sentence without any thought and can speak as I want on time.
But the structure came out from me is always stable and I can seldom use better expression. and that's same for my words as well.

But this is not sufficient to explain the reason why I started this blog.
Two shocking experience makes me do this.

The first one is a little sad.
I got new friend from Thai (but he's Chinese...). He's pretty nice guy.
And somehow the work of my luck(??) I had some touch with him and had conversations for uncountable times.
But... I cannot speak with him well... means cannot express the matured thought.
If it was easy things I can talk so easily, but if I wanted to express my thought or something more complicated, I cannot do that anymore and words never come outside...
To starting to know each other for the first time it might be alright. But if we kept on having this relationship, he may recognize me as so childish girl... moreover I would lose the opportunity to communicate and tell myself to him. Even though he shows me some kind of favor.
And one more bad thing is, my English brain stops when i became tired.
Yesterday was the good instance. As we walk and my body get cold, my capability goes down and, for worst thing, I've refused him to talk for several times. And to avoid speaking English, I hided in the back of Shanti and Richard.
Once I could get better but, I did that again in the last.
Still it is shocking affair in me, even though he shows me some kind of favor and pokes me on facebook today....

And the another is... found the blog (homepage??) of Willy and Sophie.
Today Willy-chan add me on his friend list on facebook and from there, I found the blog of them.
I was totally surprised with that. Because willy's one was so intellectual and sophisticated. And the one of Sophie is written in very good English. Don't know is it better for the eyes of English speaking population but, at least she can compose more complicated sentence than me.
I felt uneasy...
In past few month, I was became so scared of my intellectual level's lowness from the average of master students and, this discovery makes me sure that my fear is truth.

Now I come here.
Because of my marvelous fortune and remarkable laziness.
I got so many happy times and, on the other hand I drove myself in to the more straightened place.
So now is the time to start something.
Don't avoid and run away.
I can do it.