ひまわりを探したのに、見つからなかった。
写真でさえ、思うようなのが見つからない。
どんなに探しても、決して代わりはないのだと痛感した。
８月生まれ。
ひまわりが大好きで、ひまわりのような人だった、と思う。
真面目で不器用で、決して出しゃばらない。
何を言われても、ニコニコしていて、絶対に人の悪口を言わない。
何も考えていないように見えて、本当は誰よりもスマートだった。
だから、生涯を持って、彼女のことを悪く言う人は、一人もいなかった。
それだけは、これからもずっと、私たちの誇りになっていく。
11月の終わり。
私はなんだか疲れ切っていた。
うたた寝していたら、夜半に弟から電話があった。
危篤の連絡を受けて、私は動揺した。
苛立ち、周囲に余計な小言を言って、最悪だった。
悲しみとか不安とかイライラとか、気持ちの整理がつかないのに、
航空券を事務的に手配してくれていた夫にさえ、泣いて苛立った。
最悪。
翌朝の飛行機に飛び乗ったけれど、間に合わなかった。
敢えて機内でネットを繋がなかったのは、私の意思なのに、
到着した時に受けた知らせに、呆然とするしかなかった。
2012年の元旦に、初めて倒れてから、
何度も大手術を乗り越え、
コロナ前には糖尿で足を切断し、車椅子生活になった。
だんだんと記憶障害が顕著になり、孫の名前も混乱していたのに、
父が毎日お化粧をしてあげて、ずっと綺麗でいた。
苦しんだのは、きっと最期の数日だけだったと信じたい。
お別れの日。
もうすでに自力歩行のできない父を車椅子に乗せて、
喪主を務めた弟と、姉と義兄と姪っ子。
従姉とその息子。
そして私。
盛大な儀式をするグループを横目にしながら、
たった８人で見送った。
姉と従姉が用意してくれたお花で埋め尽くしたけれど、
彼女の大好きだった向日葵は、見つからなかった。
小さくなってしまった姿を、まだ受け入れられない私がいる。
誰もが通る道だと分かっているのに。
「ひとつのいのち」の尊さを伝えるミッションの途中で、
「ひとつのいのち」の終わりを見届けること。
覚悟はできていたはずなのに、自分の無力さを痛感している。
そうこうしているうちでも、世界は同じようにまわっている。
もし今、世界の中心で助けてと叫んだら、
いったい誰が、具体的に動いてくれるのだろうと思う。
最愛の母へ、貴女の娘で良かったと伝えられなかった。
生んでくれて、ありがとう、と。
戒名は付けず、
生涯を捧げた茶道での師範名を、位牌に刻すると決めた今。
母が生前お世話になった皆様へ、心より御礼申し上げます。
I looked for sunflowers but couldn't find any.
Even in photographs, I couldn't find what I wanted.
I realized that no matter how hard I searched, there was never a substitute.
Born in August.
She loved sunflowers and was a person like a sunflower.
She was severe, clumsy, and never insisted on her way.
No matter what was said, he would smile and never speak ill of others.
She seemed to think nothing of it, but she was more intelligent than anyone else.
So, throughout her life, not a single person had a bad word to say about her.
That is the only thing we will always be proud of.
End of November.
I was kind of exhausted.
I was napping when I got a call from my brother in the middle of the night.
I was upset to hear of her critical condition.
I was frustrated, I made unnecessary bad talk around my family, and it was terrible.
I was sad, anxious, frustrated, and couldn't get my feelings out of my head.
I cried and got frustrated, even with my husband, who was the one who had arranged the paperwork for the airline tickets.
I was the worst.
I jumped on a plane the following day but couldn't make it.
I didn't dare connect to the internet on the plane, even though it was my choice.
I could only be stunned by the news I received upon arrival.
Since her first collapse on New Year's Day, 2012, she has undergone several major surgeries.
She had survived several significant surgeries.
Just at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, she had her leg amputated due to diabetes and was confined to a wheelchair.
Gradually her memory loss became more and more pronounced, and even though she was confused about the names of her grandchildren,
my father made her up every day and kept her looking beautiful.
I would like to believe that she suffered only in her last few days.
The day we had to say goodbye.
My father, who could no longer walk alone, was placed in a wheelchair.
My brother acted as a pallbearer, and my sister, brother-in-law, and niece attended.
Also, my cousin and her son.
And me.
With looking at a group of people performing a grand ceremony by our side.
Only eight of our family saw her off.
We filled the coffin with flowers my sister and cousin had prepared.
We could not find her favorite sunflower.
I still cannot accept that she has become so small.
I know it is a path that everyone goes through.
In the middle of my mission to convey the preciousness of "One Life," I saw the end of "One Life."
I should have been prepared for this, but I am painfully aware of my helplessness.
In the meantime, the world is turning in the same way.
If I shouted for help in the center of the world right now, I wonder who would take concrete action to help me.
To my beloved mother, I could not tell her that I am glad to be your daughter.
Thank you for giving birth to me.
We won't give her a name on a mortuary tablet.
We have decided to inscribe her name of her as the master of the tea ceremony to which she devoted her life on it.
I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to everyone who helped my mother during her life.