(originally posted on 2016-11-09 | 17:10:07)
I must say that
I was not a respectful mother
even before I got sick.
Because
I had no doubt that I would become like my own mother,
but I couldn’t.
I was completely deflated.
I was determined to be involved in every part of domestic life.
I had my own belief
that a mother should do everything, all the mommy jobs
for her children.
That was my ideal perfect mother.
Yet,
since I got illness,
I couldn’t do anything,
literally, nothing.
In the end, I got hospitalized and
had to live completely apart from my kids.
I was forced to be in the situation
where I had to release obsessiveness to my own law.
Then,
I started to accept other support.
There is one perspective that
getting a disease has some message from God.
In that sense,
when I had to let go of this obsession to be a perfect mother,
which used to torture my mind and body,
I realized it had not been worth all the sacrifice
Because,
everyone is here for me
since a long time ago.
If I were able to accept their goodwill any sooner,
I might not have been in the situation that I had to lose everything.
But,
now as I get more time to spend together with my kids,
my obsessiveness is trying to come back to me.
Then, my older sister reminds me:
“Stop it----! Okay?”
My obsessiveness is stalking me.