今日の国際社会にかかせない英語表現： 「でもどうやって？」／「考えていても始まらない」
「どうしようもなかったのだ」／「あなたたちはスゴイ」
ベランダに蜂が巣を作った。2年ぶり2回目だ。1回目はアパートの掃除の人が駆除してくれたらしい。今回も掃除の日を待とうかと思ったのだが、待っていられないことがわかってきた。作り始め、穴が10個ぐらいまでは一匹で作っていたのが、いつの間にか連れが参加し、二匹で作るようになってからなんだか急速に大きくなり、穴が30個ぐらいになったので、自分で退治することに。
でもどうやって？？反撃はどうやって防ぐ？と考えていても始まらなかったのでコーナンに行ったら蜂の巣対策製品がたくさんあることを始めて知った。一番素晴らしそうな「アース ハチ・アブマグナムジェット」というのの裏を読んだら、感動だ、「到達距離10メートル」とある。さすが虫を殺して120年のアースだ。さすが「マグナム」だ。さらに読み進むと噴射力スゴ過ぎて普通のゴキブリスプレーより数センチ高くて大きな缶なのに「45秒で中身を噴射し切る」という。なんだと！？かっこいい！！
好奇心に燃えつつ買って帰って、早速1.5メートルほど離れて噴射だ。反撃がコワかったが、途轍もない噴射力で、とても蜂ごときが逆行できる風圧ではなく、安心して15秒ほど噴射する。音も殺虫剤では聞いたことない力強さだ。「シューッ」などでは全く描写できない。「ゴオショオオオオオオ」だ。どこまでもフルスロットルな音とパワーなのだ。消火器と言った方が近かろう。これは「マグナム」とか言っている場合ではない。マグナムって見たこともないが、多分そんなものではない。語尾は「～砲」にしてはどうか。「アース ハチ・アブ キラーブラスター砲」ではどうか。大きなお世話のネーミングの話はそのくらいにして、威力だが、その日はもう暗くなっていたので効果は確認できなかった。翌朝、「ウマク殺せたかな♪」と思いつつ雨戸を開けて、その光景に愕然とした。
「罪のない」としか言いようのない小さな蜂の巣の下に若い夫婦が倒れていて、夫婦の間に白い幼虫がぽろぽろと5匹ほど落ちている。巣の穴の一つからもう一匹の幼虫が垂れ下がっている。30センチほど離れてクモが巻き添えになって死んでいる。私は自分の地獄行き切符を買ってしまったのだと思った。
何が「ウマク殺せたかな♪」だ。「これから」という若い家族、幼い子供たち。私が丸腰で、自分も攻撃されながら箒か何かで退治したのなら、私の罪も浅かったろう。だが、私はそれらを圧倒的科学力で、自分は離れた安全な場所から殲滅したのだ。
呆然とその場に座り込んで、私は自分を、しばらくして人間とアース製薬を呪った。胸が痛む。だが、どうしようもなかったのだ。また作りに来たとしても、私は間違いなく残ったキラーブラスター砲を用いるだろう。蜂の集団と暮らすことはできないのだ。だが、せめて！次は、せめて作りに来た途端に、一匹のうちに、子供の生まれないうちに処理しよう。
ああ、頼むからもう、もう作りに来るな！！
しかし、アース製薬のために言っておくが、単にキラーブラスター砲の威力だけの話をするならば、非常に優秀な製品だ。蜂の巣で困っているならこれで即、問題解決だろう。アース製薬、あなたたちはスゴイ。
A wasp nest started to appear in my balcony. It's the second one in past 2 years. The first one was got rid of by the sweeper with a broom. For a while I was hoping for the same thing, but he hasn't come yet, and I began to understand that I can't wait for long. The nest had been built by a single wasp until the nest is like 10-compartment big, and then another wasp joined, which accelerated the building speed. Now I knew that I had to take care of the situation by myself. But how?! How do I protect myself from them
attacking me back?
Since thinking didn't help at all, I went to KONAN drug center hoping some kind of solution would turn
up. Some kind of solution? Stupid me. There were all kinds of wasp killers and I just didn't know. A
product called "Earth Chemical's Wasp & Horsefly Magnum Jet" seemed nice, and I read the description on the back of the can. Cool. It says the spray reaches 10 meters. 10 METERS just by pulling the trigger with my little index finger? Surely it's magnum. Way to go, Earth Chemical! They have 120-year history of killing insects as their profession. I went on reading, "The entire contents of the can will empty within 45 seconds." Oh man, this sounds good! Its emptying-in-45-seconds speed is actually incredible considering the bigger-than-usual size of the can. I had to buy it not only to get rid of the nest, but also to see what the spray powerful enough to reach 10 meters is like.
I went home with it and I pulled the trigger from about 1.5 meters away. I was afraid of their counterattack, but it was so powerful that there is no need to worry about that. No wasp can fly against wind pressure that powerful. Feeling safe, I kept shooting for about 15 seconds. My god, the sound of it! I had never heard anything like that coming out of a can of spray. It's not whoosh. It's Gauorrsssshhhhoooooorrrrre. So powerful. Violent, even. It sounded more like a fire extinguisher. Magnum is not at all enough to express this. Something like "blaster gun" or "bazooka" would better describe the power. What about "Earth Chemical's Wasp & Horsefly Killer Blaster Gun"? OK, it's none of my business. As to the effect, I had to wait until next morning for it was too dark. Being very curious to check it out, I opened the window to the balcony next morning, and there what I saw was very different from what I had expected.
Under a tiny nest, which "harmless" should be the word to accompany, lay a young wasp couple with 5 white larvas between them. Another larva was hanging from the nest showing half of its body. About 30cm away from them, a spider lay dead. At this instance, I knew that I bought a ticket to hell.
How cold-hearted I was to feel excited about killing them like this. The young couple that would have so much in their future. Their children. My sin would have been smaller if I destroyed the nest unarmed, exposing myself to danger, but I exterminated them keeping myself in a safe area and using overwhelming power of science.
I collapsed on the floor. I cursed myself, and later Earth Chemical. My heart ached. But I had to do it. I just can't live with wasps and their nest growing bigger and bigger in my balcony. If another nest is built, I will use the blaster gun again. But next time, I will do it as soon as the nest is started to be built. While there is still only one adult wasp. Before it raises its family.
But, Ah! Please! I beg them not to pick my balcony as their home-building place.
Since I didn't write above to say bad things about Earth Chemical, I am adding this paragraph. The product is super. If you are at a loss as to what to do with the wasp nest in the vicinity of your house, this is it. Earth Chemical, you guys are absolutely incredible.