留置所の中にいたことを思い出すと滲み出る辛い気持ちと、恐怖がまだある。その時は書き出すことで、吐き出して楽になる方法を見つけた。そのために書いてる。カウンセリングの先生にも相談して、他にも教えてもらった。まだ時間かかりそうだけど、普通の精神に戻るには
留置所は❶と❷に入れられた。
❶は狭い部屋にベッドが２つ
❷は大部屋
❶は2階の檻のようなところでした。外の窓はすりガラスで外は全く見えない。内側窓から見えるのは一階の建物の中。監視官、時計、テレビ📺何かずっとCMが流れてた。
❷の時は一階と2階で降りれる時間が決まってカワリバンコだった。そしてみんな楽しそうにテレビ見てた。全く❶と❷は雰囲気違う。
❷の人々に聞くと最初からこの部屋だったという人もいた。
急に不安になった。
わたしはもしかして凶悪犯扱いなのかもしれない。だからあの部屋に入れられたのかもとか、ずっとここにいないといけないのかなとか考えてしまった時もあった。
❶はそんな自由はなく、1日３０分しか時間なくて、エアコンのガンガン効いたシャワー室でシャワーした。弱っていく自分がいた。こんなに汚くて、ご飯もまずく食べれなくて、子供にも会えないなんて
自分を奮い立たせるものは、妄想と嫌なことは考えないことだった。この位置の部屋に4.5日いた。
朝の４時くらいから電気がついてたり、夜はナースが回って来たりで眠れないし、ベッドは石のように硬い、オレンジの皮を匂いながら精神を安らがせ寝た。
1番困ったのは、監視官との会話。メガネを作りたいと要求、それからコンタクトのソリューションも必要といった。
❷の部屋であった人は何回も捕まった人や、慣れてる人ばかり、クレカ持って来てるから買い物できるとか言ってた。買い物リストもくれた。コークのペットボトルみんな持ってた。わたしは給水器の水は洗った牛乳パックでしか飲めなかった。ひとりの人が空のペットボトルくれた！
そして、囚人が囚人のお世話をしていた。留置所で働いてる人もいた。コートに行くとき、その人も一緒だったけど、釈放は先だと言った。若い子だった。一体何をしたんだろうと思ったけど、聞かなかった。
There are still painful feelings and fears that ooze out when I remember being in the jail. I found a way to get it out and feel better by writing it down then. That's why I write. I've talked to my counselor and he told me what else he's learned. It's still going to take me a while to get back to a normal mindset.
I was put in ❶ and ❷ in the detention center.
❶ was a small room with two beds
❷ is a large room
❶ was a cage-like place on the second floor. The outside windows were frosted glass and you could not see outside at all. What you could see from the inside window was inside the building on the ground floor. There was a watchman, a clock, a TV📺 something commercial all the time.
When we went down to the first floor and the second floor, we were allowed to go down at a certain time and watch the TV. And everyone was happily watching TV. The atmosphere was completely different between ❶ and ❷.
When I asked the people in ❶ and ❷, some of them said they had been in this room from the beginning.
I suddenly felt uneasy.
Maybe I was a violent criminal. There were times when I wondered if that was why I was put in that room, or if I would have to stay here forever.
I had only 30 minutes a day to shower in the shower room with the air conditioner on. I felt myself getting weaker. I was so dirty, I couldn't even eat bad food, and I couldn't even see my kids.
The only thing that kept me going was my imagination and not thinking about the unpleasant things. I was in this position room for 4.5 days.
I couldn't sleep because the lights were on from about 4:00 in the morning, the nurse came around at night, the bed was hard as a stone, and I slept with the smell of orange peel to put my spirit at ease.
The most troubling thing was the conversation with the warden. He demanded to have glasses made, then he needed a contact solution as well.
The people I met in room ❷ were all people who had been caught many times or were used to it, and they said they had brought their credit cards with them so they could shop. They also gave me a shopping list. Everyone had a plastic Coke bottle. I could only drink water from the water dispenser from a washed milk carton. One person gave me an empty bottle!
And prisoners were taking care of prisoners. Some of them worked in the jail. When I went to the court, she was with me, but she said that he would be released first. She was a young women. I wondered what on earth he had done, but I didn't ask.