病気と言ってみるけど、普通の体調不良じゃなかった
最初は自分に何が起こっているのか、自分のコントロールが効かない、頑張りようがない状況を飲み込めなかった
私のことを心底心配し、ショックを受けている家族に対して、自分が最も足掻いて苦しんでいる状態を見せるのは心苦しかった
私以上に何もできないと感じて、傷つくのがわかっていたから
彼も同じだったかもしれないけど、パートナーだから今までも私の脆い部分も見せていたから、必然的に私は彼に頼っていた
I say “sick”, but it wasn't a cold, it wasn’t flu
I couldn't comprehend what was happening to me when I got my diagnosis
I didn’t understand the situation where I couldn't control myself and I couldn't even try harder to save myself
It was impossibly painful for me to show my most distressed self to my family, especially my parents who were deeply upset and worried sick of me, maybe even blamed themselves or family genes
Even I couldn’t do anything to save myself, they would feel even more helpless and it would hurt them
My partner may have had similar feelings as well. But he was his partner, I had already shown him my fragile side, my negative side before
Inevitably I relied on him