I am horribly depressed.
I horribly, utterly, painfully want to will myself back home against the abyss screaming at me. I despise this.
I despise that I have no friends, I despise that I don't hold those who'd stay by my side closer, I despise the sheer intensity of which I have poured my love into you.
I remember that warmth of your body pressed on mine.
And maybe that solace was meant for you to seek, for I shall not deny that it is completely yours. My heart, that is.
But also I have reached a point where maybe the forsaken word of sustainability proves to be a lot more crucial to whether this heart, bruised and battered in its glory, survives the bigger wave.
I do no know how to carry on. You'd think after years of being stuck in an educational system I can't escape I'd at least figure a better way out beyond white knuckling my way through. My biggest thanks goes to vortioxetine which aside from the god awful nausea if taken at the wrong time, is in fact doing wonders to my will to live. I want to live, if I hadn't made it clear.
I just, don't know anymore.
I look at the crammed schedule I have imposed on my barely functional being and remember that I may be someone whom only very much can persevere if pushed enough, but at the same time I am cursed to never know my own limits to what I truly can or cannot endure.
I need a beer, and something to soothe the pain.
Happy Mid Autumn, it's 30 degrees.