Those that are not broken cannot be mended.
I don't dream of roses or a romantic date. It is too overwhelming. Everything. The responsibilities, and for what follows will always be disappointment. I want to be neither on the receiving end nor the giving end of disappointment. But I am willing to give my love to someone. For it is useless in my possession.
Maybe one day I'll find someone. We'll live separately, close to each other. We'll have our own lives with our own acquaintances, maybe just a few shared ones. We'll go over to each other’s house often for intimacy and besides that we just go on with our lives. When one is lonely the other is an option for a listening ear, but not always the option. I cannot depend too much on one person. I have been disappointed way too many times. Though in an ideal situation sexual intimacy only occurs with the other person, so there is some abstract sense of exclusivity but minimal interference in each other’s lives, also STDs. How do you define a relationship? A mutual sense of wanting to be with each other all the time? Just a vague sense of longing for the other? Just sex? I seek no answer.
Why? Because ultimately I crave physical intimacy. I have long given up on emotional intimacy. Rather I either forced myself to have no such craving or I crave emotional support from multiple people and nothing is enough. It only works when I sort the problem out myself or the problem disappears. All I need is a hug and some physical intimacy to get by. Like many things it is a 0 or 100 problem. The pendulum swings back and forth. Also I can’t stand 99% of humans and their 生活習慣. Mostly men’s habits, sorry. I don’t like to feel judged by my personal space and how I take care of it as well, and I have enough of a conscience to despise hypocrisy so I cannot judge others but not doing so makes me pissed which is why I’d rather live alone. I have my own routine and I don’t want to fuck it up by following someone else’s. I will only match it up to my mom’s until she dies. I want her to be happy at least.
Sometimes I wonder if my sense of attachment is fucked up due to my environment or just a general (unneeded) obligation to attend to everyone's needs till a point I feel that everything and nothing is acceptable at the same time. I simply go numb. Or I seek answers from others so much I get overwhelmed (cue the whimsical 0 or 100 problem again) Maybe I just got rejected too many times. God knows. In the end I just really want to hug and cuddle with people (and the shitty part is that I am only able to do it with the opposite gender,) knowing that they do want to be hugged and cuddled. As the world sees it this is peak scumbag behaviour. Or is that just a generic human longing? I don’t know. I am too tired to ask around. I think as long as the other party is responsive to my enthusiasm it is enough. I don’t even care if it is not reciprocated, I don’t actually think I would care about commitment or exclusivity beyond the STDs part. I just want them to genuinely want it, for my presence to be sought for even if it is for a fleeting moment. I will provide, if requested. I always will.
Is that too much to ask for? Because no one wants it. I’m trying no to be too negative here regarding the “no one wants me” because at the very least my friends like me enough to stay around, and I am forever thankful for that. However it is more than just tempting to label that as the end-all-be-all reason for my turmoil. I digress.
I smell smoke in the air. My eyes are not watering.