570 calories? how am I alive? what is keeping me alive? the monster energy? adrenaline?
my sheer will perhaps?
how long can I survive on this absolute mindfuck of (lack of) nutrients? Also how the fuck am I still 49.5kg?
It takes some courage, and of course morbid curiosity to fathom out what is going on with the human body, and also how the mind works to mentally fuck with you. So, I lost weight. Yes. 8kg is not a lot but definitely no small amount. But the question comes: when I feel confident and dress up for myself, I now feel ashamed to walk in school for fear of being perceived as "overdoing it" or being "extra". That is not my point, if you do understand. I have a shit self esteem and I want to feel better so I dress up as a form of "putting on armour". It is my armour, but also the sole thing I didnt realise I could be torturing myself with but making no one but my own ass self conscious as fuck when in public spaces.
Actually thinking back, not all public spaces, mostly school. School is the problem. It feels like I am being judged though in hindsight it is more likely than not my mind just messing with me. Am I cool? Yes. Am I fat? No. Do people stare? Yes. Is it out of awe? Probably. Anyone with the mental energy to just hate on you by seeing you once (or a few times) without even interacting with you is an asshole, period.
Also I bought a Bose speaker, the soundflex gen 2 to be stupidly precise. I have never been in so much shock at the audio quality of such a small chonkus. The bass is insane, maybe I'm just not used to speakers. I love it and it plays all the billie eilish songs (that I have recently been obsessed with) so well I wake up in the middle of the night to turn it on like an idiot.