it was an odd experience, to say the least. I was very calmly (I emphasise, I was not in any kind of mental turmoil whatsoever) taking my lesson on human development psychology when I was presented upon an infograph.
it was just an infograph talking about how much a baby had to be cleaned up and fed and taien care of in a day, and of course I was thinking of how much effort that must take for a mother to deal with. how much she needed to sacrifice.
I thought to myself, I was that little baby to my mother too. I had no coherent thoughts, nothing much to offer, and now I am twenty on my own. I wonder how it felt for her, to see her child become like this.
I wonder if she is proud of who I became.
and I started crying. It was perhaps mixed with a little melancholy, but mostly it was just a huge wave of indescrible emotions that washed over me. It's been a while since I was able to cry.
I called her. Somehow in that moment I really needed that answer, good or bad, whatever it was I wanted to hear from her. Have I made you proud? Are you happy to see how I've turned out to be? I don't know why but I just kept crying.
it's odd. to know that sometimes your mind does find itself wandering to such questions, but never with so much raw emotions and vulnerability.
maybe those tears reflected how this was asked with all my heart. I love you.