Hi!
It’s been a while since I wrote in English last.
I’ve been struggling these years through many difficult moments.
I lost several cats.
That even includes my eternal love.
Then, the question is
Why I am still alive.
When the most loved one died,
I thought I could die at any moment after that.
But simply I couldn’t leave other loved ones behind.
Leaving them unattended without me
Is like betraying them.
Now I am alive and wake up every morning
Without him by my side,
Which is like living in a monotonous,
black and white world
I never expected this to happen so soon
But at the same time
Last summer
I somehow knew that
He would not be with me next summer
I don’t know why, but
It seems that I knew that for sure.
No matter how hard I tried to deny it
The impression remained
That it is the truth,
And that would never go away
With all denials.
Now I sometimes wonder
Whether this is a kind of trade off
For my life, meaning
That I stay alive so that I could
Continue to take care of my cats.
God, or whoever controls everything down here
Decides that he will return to heaven.
In a way,
He buys me a longer life
In exchange of his.
If so
I thank him, but
I cannot deny that I am grieving acutely,
My heart bleeding
Please let me see him again.
I promise this time I will never
Look aside while he is here with me.
These are thoughts coming to my mind
from time to time for about three months now…
Thank you for paying attention to my monologue