Hibachi. #celebrate#norys#birthday#benihana.
over priced. #small#portion.
i dont understand why people love taking sooooo many pictures. smh.
like one is enough damn. not twenty.
but I guess its never a bad thing so whatever.
Soon after hibachi, i decided to roam around the city alone.
and ive got to say, it was really relaxing!
I've actually always liked to walk around aimlessly
alone in the city, but its usually that i was too lazy to
get out of my house to actually do it. also because
i end up making gazillion excuses for me not to go,
like "there is no purpose to it" or "you'll just end up spending
alot of money" and etc.
got froyo and halal food ! mmmmh!
_____________________
Chris Brown - Don't Wake Me Up
a few days ago, it was just about 8pm when i walked out of the subway station in queens. I was walking alone to my friends place to stay over for the night. he lives in a neighborhood called 'The Gardens' which is manifested by rich white/asian families, not too far from where i live. Its also where many unforgettable memories were contrived back in 7-9th grade. so im walking down the road listening to my ipod. the song 'wake me up when September ends' then comes up. oh my god, i felt like I was going back in time, fer real. -the time when i was jamming this song while skating with padraig, dimas, momo, ojiro, and stanely at ps 144 by the 4 stair - the time where i was at the russel sage playground by the swings with friends - and this one time when padraig had the american idiot CD and all i did was listen to it when i was at his place. I legit was walking down memory lane. then songs like 'Almost', 'time of your life', and of course 'why cant i' by liz phair also came up.
the song by liz phair somehow caught my attention the most. believe it or not, it was one of the first songs ive ever listened to. a long time ago, my mom bought me my very first cd player, along with a CD called 'NOW 14', and the song was in it. Every night when everyone was sleeping, id always sit next to my window in my room with the lights off, and listen to my CD player and repeat the song 'why cant i' over and over again. i was a brat - a sore loser.. lol. but inside I was a sad child.
i suppose back then, my parents werent really around for me after my little brother was born. it was one of those 'jealously over your brother/sister' thing, you know? i was left out of the family. I wasnt neglected, i was just pushed away quickly but they didnt come back to pick me back up. my dad was the 'stubborn tough guy dad' type, so whenever i was hurt, ive been told to 'toughen up' or 'big boys dont cry'. that grew apart of me mentally, and i didnt have a choice to re-direct how my life transpired.
eventually thats what i followed through to; to toughen up and never falter. that mentality of "if your parents arent there or you, then who do you think will?" idea pretty much stuck into my head as a kid and so forth throughout the years. obviously my parents did care for me like any other family, but they had many other priorities over me. we were kinda distant. however the CD player - essentially, music, gave me a sense of companionship: something my parents couldnt offer. thanks to the player, I was spiritually accompanied by Liz Phair, nickelback, 3 doors down and fountain of wayne. I was never lonely. I had everything i needed. i started to enjoy being alone. I chose to be alone. For me, being alone by choice was emotionally pleasurable. it is a choice of being in solitude from other people. Loneliness is therefore unwilling solitude. and that was never me. I had many friends that were pretty fuckin amazing and I could go to them whenever i felt lonely. i knew all i needed was music.
but then i started to understand what emily told me by when she wanted to be alone by choice. she wasnt lonely, she was happy to be alone. i understand this because i realized ive gone through that too. definitely not the same situation, but it makes sense. i guess there are many people just like me who are similar.. and i thought i was the only one.
The flashback of me staring out the window with liz phair music on high volume was very vivid even till now. I remember glancing out the window and watching the stars slowly appear one by one. lol i would even remember feeling sad for the first star to appear because it was always alone. i didnt want the star to feel lonely, nor did i want the star to die out. however, at the same time, i was glad that it was by itself, because even when i was alone, the star would tell me thats its okay. but i would later be happy when the others would start showin up, cuz then i know now that the first star has company. I would even make a wish when i see the lone star. sometimes about how i wish more stars would show up or sometimes how i wish i never had a younger brother.
Anyways while I was walking through The Gardens and listening to the song, i look up in the sky. and what do i see? i see a star. just one star; everywhere else was pitch black. even now, i am never alone. that one star will always tell me "I am here for you", even when it seems like others are not. and i know that im not the only one. just this one star made me smile knowing that im alright, and always will be.
and the smile slowly faded away as the song came to a close end.
..and back to reality.
