motherfucking pride has gotten the best of me.
and i have already admitted that.
but i seriously cant let this keep going on.
and karoline helped me hit reality.
what does 'pride' mean to me?
pretty simple.
to most people at least, (maybe all), pride is a source of pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement.
also self respect, self-esteem.
thats not how i see it though.
to me pride is more or less ones own value. high sense of worth. someone who can stand his own guard. but how far can I go with this pride? probably not too far. especially if im trying to commit into something that has alot of meaning to me.
for example: i cant see myself sending the sweet texts saying "i love you soo much"/ i miss you babe, or shit along those lines; nor can i say that in person. it just shows that, she has higher authority than me and has just won the game, ive stepped down to say that,
and my pride wont allow that. i cant say 'i really like you' to anyone i really like either. definitely not 'i love you'. this is actually really bad now, because its come to a point where im starting to lose my affectionate side and thats not me.
but like i said earlier, i cant let this keep goin on. because i realized, we're getting old. aint nobody got time to only think about themselves. for fuck sakes, some of my friends are already thinking of gettin married. karolines first rule: make her feel important.
so im spitting fire now. im gonna break this barrier of 'pride'. what karoline told me tonight made 100% sense. i need to start talking. i cant pretend im a strong person when i know im not. so here it is.
Ben Jelen - Come On
Throughout all of last semester, I was in a pretty fucked up state, to a point of depression. Ive never told this to anyone because, like i said earlier, my pride has gotten the best of me. i thought nobody would understand (and thought i could handle it on my own) the shit i was going through and i admit, i was being pretty selfish. it would of been best if i actually opened up a bit and accepted others that were reaching out for me. but i didnt.
but honestly, im glad that i didnt. im glad that i was a miserable person last semester. Because of all of this, i was able to come across an amazing girl in binghamton.
Mid semester, my club wanted a GB collaboration with one of the clubs in binghamton called IEC. so we had our first meeting with them couple of weeks before the GB. The meeting was a 2-2; me and stephen and 2 girls from the eboard. At first, they seemed like the people i wouldnt hang out with. One of them seemed weird and the other was quiet and small. They seemed like they didnt want to be there. However, in my mind they seemed like nice people. It surprised me that ive never seen these girls before in binghamton. What shocked me the most was the fact that they werent affiliated with greek life nor were they even interested by it. But by this time, they were just some people ive met for a mere club gb. nothing more, nothing less.
I guess I started to pay attention to these girls after the second meeting for the gb, but this time with the entire IEC eboard v. stephen and I. Meeting went pretty well and after we left, Stephen started a conversation with, "yo dont you think D-- looks pretty cute? would you date her". it was pretty unexpected. the only respond i gave him was, "not really?" or "idk". I suppose to follow up the conversation he asked me next, "and E---- isnt that bad looking either. she actually looks really cute with her hair down. would you ask one of them out?". This kinda caught me off guard because its something ive never really cared or thought about. i just replied with a simple "probably not" to end the subject. after that we had our GB, which went well, and I was back to my usual life.
However, towards the end of that semester, i started to realize that the girl (E) ive met at the meeting was more than just an acquaintance.
around one week before finals week, my club hosted a potluck for our club members. by this time, i became pretty close friends with one of the girls, D, and we both wanted to host a party, or a get together, after the potluck with the entire IC and IEC eboards. However, this was never 'fully 'achieved because not enough people wanted to do it. Everyone except the 2 girls and I.
We decided to just hang out and drink casually. It was poorly planned and we had no clue where to go. In the end, we decided to go to D's place.
And it was amazing. everything. about .it. It has been forever since ive had that much fun. the people were amazing; the girls, their 2 friends, and the things we did. at that moment i came into a realization that even strangers, the people that i have only known for like 1 week, can make your day/night the best night of your life. just the feeling of being accepted and welcomed. It was a bonding experience which made me that much closer to everyone around me. i started to appreciate the girls and got to know them better as well. my miserable self became the happiest self. all because of one night.
the following day we did the same thing. this time we went to another friends place and had a lot more to drink than last time. this was the day that greatly impacted the whole thing. this was the day that changed my life.
Same routine. drank and played games. after awhile, we all became a bit tired, so we were getting ready to go to bed. I randomly happened sleep next to E. It also so happened that everyone fell alseep, but me and E. this was the game changer. we started to talk a bit and soon after it became intense. and at this very moment, i told her absolutely everything about my life. I had no intentions of doing it either. I just simply... did it. everything about my miserable past, the mistakes ive made, and the problems regarding to that semester. everything. and i never regretted that one bit. i felt secured. i was 100% comfortable talking to her about it as well. the best part? she took everything in. she just listened, not saying one word. she didnt argue or tell me i was wrong. she didnt feel bad for me and she didnt give me advice either. she simply just listened to everything. and thats all i wanted. thats all i needed. and it made me extremely happy.
after that day, i wanted to talk to her more. i wanted to know why i chose to tell her everything that ive said. was it by choice? or was it just a coincidence? did she just happen to be there? it could of been someone else.. perhaps? for that whole week, thats all ive been asking myself. but in the end, there was no definite answer. and it didnt really matter, because i might have started to like her. slowly maybe. but surely.
the following weekend, we spent more time together. All i wanted to know was whether or not if i really liked her.. for her. but because of my pride, i didnt want to obviously show that i liked her. also, i was scared that if i did commit myself for her, id get hurt again like in the past. i was in a dilemma. However, during that weekend i was with her, it made me realize that she was such a sweet person. and that she had gone through so much in the past as well. I wasnt the only one with problems. she had gone through the same shit as i have.
ive decided to give it a shot. an open relationship.
and give myself a second chance. "I want to try and get rid of the fear of
loneliness. I dont want to keep everything to myself anymore."
1 contract.
"nothing serious"
"and if one day one of us finds someone we truly like/love, then we must shake hands, say goodbye, and walk away. that will be the end of us. we cant see each other ever again."
"not even friends?" "no. not even friends"
...
and its been made. unofficially. we are now 'technically' going out.
and it was perfectly fine for me. i didnt have to commit anything. it was simply just someone who will be there for me and someone i can cuddle with.
nothing more. nothing less.
during winter break, i would occasionally think about her, whether or not if she was doing good. after we came back from break, she was the first person i actually wanted to see. we left off in good terms and i wanted to keep it that way.
and the first 2 weeks were amazing.
our first run to dennys.
our first snowman.
the haircut.
star gazing.
cooking.
the days when she came to my place.
the piggyback ride back to susq.
the times at the library.
our 'flipping through facebook photos and reminiscing'.
when she was kind enough to come with me to the EOP meeting.
watching pysch
the jar that i have with memorable moments: probably half of it was just from her.
she started to enter my world but i was in denial (at that time) and it was all because of pride. I didnt want to say that she was one of the best things that had happened to me in binghamton. i felt i seemed too needy and i didnt like that one bit.
eventually we decided not to see each other everyday and to not stay over to each others places because she wanted space and i respected that. it benefited me as well since i started to like her a lot more and i needed to keep my mind off of her and focus on school work. at this time, i followed the contract very strictly and i had no intentions of breaking it. because it was just a game.
this idea went pretty well. i liked her but not too much. i liked her enough to keep it a "nothing serious" relationship. And i had pretty good hunch that she had the same feeling.
but after awhile, i realized that i liked her a lot more than i thought i did. i missed all those spontaneous moments and those random smiles and laughter. i missed how she was near me for comfort but there was nothing i could do. she was an introvert, an independent women. She was now into her days where she was extremely busy with exams.
and so i soon started to go to the library more frequently. i just wanted to see her but i would always lie to her and say that i had to study, so she wouldnt suspect that i came just for her. it was pride. However, i eventually started to actually enjoy studying in the library. i suppose it was thanks to her. this led me to think that it was time i should change. i should change not for myself but for her as well. This was the same day i started to blog again on this site.
this change was both good and bad. good that i learned to become more opened towards people. bad that my mentally to most things started to change. It was also bad because this is when i wanted peace with my past. so for the first time in 2 years, i finally replied back to my ex gf's long fb message. after all those years of grief, i finally understood everything between us. this made me really happy. i finally realized i didnt have to be scared of relationships. Mai made me realize that and she cleared my mind. but that was the problem. even though now that i realized i wanted a real committed relationship, it still wouldn't work out. E didnt like me as much and she has feelings for somebody else. that was fact and i had to accept that.
However, I did tell her this.
"And i want to thank you E. just the fact that you were there when i started to realize that i needed to do something with my life
even if it was a small impact
it affected alot
so i just want to thank you"
"youre welcome"
"and thats why, just for a bit longer, i dont want it to end just yet.
i think about highschool E. and how "wow i want her to be like that again"".
and that was truth. thats something i wish she'll always remember. and after a week of this, i knew that she was someone special.
but thats when everything went downhill. small arguments started to come about; the biggest one being the poker game. to me, that probably affected the most to her. and it sucked a lot because she started to change after that. her attitude and the way she talked to me. it shows that she has no interest in me anymore. and tbh, ive become more and more nervous because its come to a point where i might like her a lot, but it wasnt the same for the other side. it wasnt the same as the beginning.
now, although it sucks alot, karoline lectured me today about what she believes in a relationship. although she hasnt experienced much with relationships and doesnt know much about what im going through, she is definitely someone you can go to.
she told me that,
"first and foremost, throw away your goddamn pride. thats whats getting the best of you. SHOW THAT YOU CARE. show that she is really important to you. you cant keep denying that you dont like her as much, because i see it! you like her alot! dont play this game anymore, if you want it, go commit. tell her everything and confront. youre scared that you might be considered needy? thats what all relationships are like Dan! you need to realize that. I know you had a relationship like that and you didnt like her but suck it up. And Im pretty sure she likes you too. She cant just stop liking you after all those things you guys have done together. feelings like that just doesnt go away so fast. you need to start making moves. i know you dont like doing stuff like texting her sweet and cute messages, but guess what? the world doesnt REVOLVE AROUND YOU. And if youre having problems go talk to her. you dont deserve to be hurt like this Dan. SO THROW AWAY YOUR PRIDE."
"1. Show that she is important to you.
2. Listen to her"
Talking about this is not easy. for me its hard. i want to say that the truth is always the best to hear, but for this, id rather not know the truth and rather not hear anything at all. i dont want to hear the problems between us. even if its just a for alittle bit, it'd be amazing to just go back to the way it was. losing all of this is something i would regret. All the efforts that ive made in the beginning would go to waste.
However, Ill finally throw away my pride and say this.
she is..
crazy.
encouraging.
understanding.
beautiful.
smart.
independent.
and most importantly,
amazing.
and theres not one thing i would want to change about her.
_________________________________
"if going for the guy that she likes will make her happy, then ill be okay with it. it'll suck, but ill be happy for her."
