all i ask is for a normal life. but thats too much to ask for. im not normal to begin with. -____- yabaiidesuyoo.
i think the situation was the break through i was truly looking for. I finally learned my lesson and I regret doing it. but at the same time, if it never happened then I wouldnt be where I am now. I just want to start clean. and this time i truly mean it. fuck man, im scarred for life ever since then. Im afraid of the real world; i was honestly buggin out when I got caught doing it (esp when the cops barged into my room) and along all of that, i lost someone really important to me - a girl with a purpose. she was emotionally hurt - scarring her for life. she never deserved this. i never thought they were that strong and had a devastating side effect. although you will never read this: sincere apologizes to you and hope for the best in the future. im not asking for you to be my friend again, but please understand that i never meant for any of that to happen and it was truly just bad luck. all I ask is for forgiveness. feel better.
aaaandd those are the consequences. everything happens for a reason, so i suppose that happened for a reason too. hit in the head. all of that experience made me understand that the outside world is truly nothing to mock about. from now on, all i want is an optimistic view on life. and thats it! i want to be genuinely nice, just like rebecca or yosuke. i just want be simple. i envy those who have nothing to worry about except school work and relationship problems. stay clam and carry on
I WANT TO START FRESH YOOO! somebody teach me how~ :(
soo stressful, now i have more shit to worry about besides finals and etc. (inconsiderate)
I was going through my fb wall and one of my status was this:
"the moment you give up is the moment you let someone else win."
i used to believe this 100% back when i was completely blinded from my full sense of pridefulness and stubbornness. but actually this aint true, because in the end, youre basically lucking yourself out by losing all the ones you love and close to you by always trying to win. sometimes, (perhaps many times), its best to let the other person win so you dont jeopardize the relationship you have with them. you should always keep a balance and figure out which is more important. its never a good thing to lose something you may never get back.
its something ive learned the hard way too. but what can you do? everyone makes mistakes.
HUGE MIGRAINE. HAVENT SLEPT IN 2 DAYS. 3RD DAY WITHOUT SLEEP. BUT I NEED TO STUDY. I JUST CANT. THATS MY MAIN PRIORITY NOW.
But K night made it worse. loud noises and disoriented lights made my headache worse. plus i was extremely tired. i kinda regret going.
But celebrated Yings birthday. she cried after we threw her a surprise birthday party and everyone was in awe! happy birthday! thanks for taking care of us :)
more n more exams are pilin up - likewise with assignments and papers. but that only just gives me more incentive to study and work harder now.
________ So ying and yuwei have finally convinced me to stay IC, or so at least, until this semester ends. As friends i cant leave them, that’s unjust. we have all gone through so much together throughout the year. And after all, they're like family to me :) no lie, all truth. so for one last time, ill stick to it till the end.
Love love love (let you go) - Andy Grammer
________ idk how this ended up happening, but I learned probably one of the most important thing about myself throughout the night while I was at the library. it might be the pills that rebecca gave me, or perhaps the gb that i hosted last night. For all i fucking know it could of just been the little chat with rebecca and Yosuke at the library. who knows. but i do know one thing now. I actually like to be around japanese people LOL. when i say 'like to be around', I mean like actually hang out with them. tbh i kinda always knew that I wanted to fit in with them, but i was always too scared to approach them because i was seen as the 'Americanized jap' guy. My Japanese is between mediocre to appalling (lol), and its clearly not good enough to hold a conversation with a Japanese international. straight up, im pretty much embarrassed to even talk in japanese in front of them :'(. but thats something i really want to fix in the long run! furthermore, i want to be accepted as a japanese, not just some asian american dude. i should be proud of what i am, but in this current condition, what can i be proud of? nah mean? some other things: i need to start appreciating myself, before I decide to jump the gun and commit to something retarded, or else ill end up making the same mistakes. Derp, pretty obvious. it takes time. learn from mistakes. think! grow up. set up clear objectives. Appreciate for who you are(this becomes really important later in the blog). and it goes on and on.. But most importantly, understand myself: exactly what all this is about. other things: im an asshole. unintentionally, but still an asshole. already accepted that. but being an asshole is also the same as being selfish. never thought about this till now. i dont think about what others will feel after i say something. At first, it doesnt come to me that, what i say might offend that person, but as I soon start to realize it, BOOM, its too late. im labeled and categorized. im bein selfish towards other people’s feelings, and that aint good. Furthermore, someone told me im being selfish by only caring about myself, because in the end i dont want to get hurt. i prioritize myself before anyone else, but in my defense, who doesnt think that? im pretty sure everybody does. and actually, i DO care about people. i care about the people who are goin through hard times and needs someone there for comfort. I am that someone. i want to be there for people. and im not saying this so i can get something in return. i seriously dont want recognition. thats why im a listener. but at the same time, like i said, im considered as an 'asshole'. This controversy portrays me as a hypocrite and it may be true. i wont care for people if its something extremely meaningless, and this goes on to my next topic. i realized im a very contradictable person: more or less very indecisive. i say things that may not make sense to others, or say things that i may not actually mean. its kinda hard to explain, but to put in simple terms, im someone who is always in between. never black or white, just shades of grey. this is what makes me a very complicated person. a good example: like i said earlier, im a listener. this is because i want to help people out that actually needs help. im also a listener because there are times when i just dont feel like talking and want the person to just talk about his/her life. nothing more and nothing less. But at the same time im a talker. I love to talk to people and joke around and stuff. i love the company that people provide and i like meeting new people. i say that i hate to talk about my problems to people and that i keep everything to myself, but on the inside, im dying to talk to someone about it. thats the truth. i just want someone to listen and not say a word; someone who genuinely care. this proves that im a VERY indecisive person. This really sucks because ive met so many people who knows what they want and who they are. They have a strong and firm belief on what they think is right and wrong. I dont. im that guy that people call wishy-washy. I want different things when I know I cant have all. I want to be care free but I also want to care about things that are important to me. I want to be spontaneous and improvise random shit but I also like to plan things so I have a vague idea on what to except. I try to ‘think’ that I have a ‘not to give a fuck’ mentality, but I feel like I really do care about so many things. I tell myself that I don’t care what other people think of me, but truthfully I really do. As much as I hate to say this, ****I have this imaginary, absurd and ‘ideal’ image of what I want to ‘TRY’ and become, and it’s sad because that image is probably someone who I think I AM right NOW**** THAT’S WHY I AM STILL A CHILD. I AM IMMATURE. I HAVE THIS FAKE PROJECTION OF MYSELF; I AM TRYING TO BECOME SOMEONE I AM NOT. THIS IS FACT. WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY FACING THIS FACT AND ACCEPTING WHO THEY ARE, IM STILL IN THIS PERIOD WHERE I STILL WEAR A FUCKING MASK JUST TO LOOK LIKE I AM ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE. Reality check - I am not. Somehow, however, I still cannot grasp that idea, although im admitting this now. Someone told me, “youre fighting against yourself. There are 2 sides (personalities) of you; one fighting for morality, and well… the other one fighting for egocentricity and spuriousness. Basically, youre fighting with who you really are and who you think you are. Youre stuck in between, but youre struggling to get out of that egocentric side because youre scared of the real shit. Youre scared to face the truth. Inside youre actually terrified to mature and to accept the fact that youre not the guy that you always wanted to be. And you already know all of this from the beginning - youre just not committing from the start. There’s a turning point where everyone goes through: that turning point is when people start to gain maturity, and I feel like right now, youre starting to go through that stage. First step is realization and admitting the problem.” This was something I told myself. However, before all of this, someone started all of this by saying that I was, in fact, “fighting against myself”, and look where I ended up. What I want the most in the end is not to be rich or famous, or to have a beautiful wife, or even have a decent job, but instead, just to be happy WITH whom I am. I want to appreciate everything about me and fully understand what im capable of, as well as finding my own limits. Not some made up bullshit thinking that “oh yes, that’s who I shall become because I said so. I want people to see me like that” . After I can achieve all of that, then, I can safely move on and say that I would like to find someone special and find a good job. IN THE END, ALTHOUGH SOME OF MY PROBLEMS *MAY* HAVE TO DO WITH MY PRIDE, THE MAIN PROBLEM WAS THE WHOLE IDEA OF EXPECTATIONS! IVE BEEN EXPECTING SO MUCH OF MYSELF! EXPECTATION VS REALITY. SO WHY HAVE I BEEN PRETTY DEPRESSED THROUGHOUT THE YEARS IN HIGHSCHOOL AND UP UNTIL NOW? BECAUSE I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD GAIN, EXPECTED THAT SOMEDAY I WOULD GET IT, AND LIVE AN AWESOME LIFE. BUT THOSE EXPECTATIONS WERE TOO HIGH FOR MY STANDARDS, AND I SUPPOSE MY PRIDE/STUBBORNESS DID NOT LET ME OVERSEE THAT. THROUGHOUT THESE YEARS, I WAS IN DENIAL. IT WASN’T ANYONES FAULT; IT WASN’T PADRAIGS, OR DADS OR ANYONE ELSE… BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, I WAS THE ONE TO BLAME. I FUCKED MYSELF UP BUT I BLAMED IT ON OTHER PEOPLE. AND THE SAD PART? I PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING THAT IT WAS MY FAULT! YET I REJECTED AND PUSHED AWAY SOO MANY PEOPLE THAT CARED ABOUT ME. I HATED BEING WRONG. I WAS A LOSER. AND NOW I ADMIT EVERYTHING. So what am I truly? I am: - Stubborn - Selfish - In denial - Unconfident
And I need to seriously take all of this in. that’s something I have to face and start realizing. Like I said..
Expectations vs reality. Fighting for who I think I am and who I really am.
But.. it sucks, because no matter how much I admit all of this, idk how long I actually start to finally commit. And this is fact… maybe
