one year later

I don't know why it is that I seem to still wait for you...
Please don't let your ego get any bigger.

This is only because you were the first person I've ever loved like this... the only person who said they loved me, even if it was all lies.

One year after I managed to tell you on that night, things seem different yet the same.

For one thing, a part of me still loves you...
But you still don't feel the same or ever will.

I still roll around at night trying to sleep like back then, and the only thing that helps is thinking of you to make me happy and drift away...

I wish you loved me back... but at the same time I wish I wasn't stuck to you...

Something keeps telling me to love you... even after you've been with other people... I don't know what it is but maybe I should stop listening to my heart... it failed me this time

I knew

I knew for quite some time that there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what was different... so I left it alone.


Suddenly, I'm being told that my body isn't working as it should be; my heart is beating a little too fast, my back isn't as straight as I thought it was, and my overall condition is weaker than I made it seem to others.

The first few words out of the doctor's mouth scared me. I try to keep my composure in everything I do, because I don't want to worry over small things. But this time, I can't help it.

I'm scared, and I can see a reason to be depressed. I don't want to be. I'm going to try to be as happy as I can from now on.

What scares me, though, is the future. What will happen to me... I will have to fix the curvature of my spine eventually... but what caused it? Is this worse than I thought? My mom blamed it on my handbag... but am I really that weak... for my spine to be curved by a simple handbag?

And my heart... it seems now I'll have to take medication for it always. I've been alerted of the differences I might undergo from now on... what if I'm drastically different? I hope that my friends can understand and not leave me... that's all I wish for...

Even though I make it seem like something easily fixable to them, I know it's not... I don't want people worrying over me.

And to think, I might have been like this for a while and I didn't even take the time to care about myself...

re:

you really haven't changed at all
you're like the you one year ago.

all your hints, your sudden quietness
maybe my reaction the last time made you miss that person even more

I still think it's wrong to prioritize people that aren't even in your life anymore... treat the people you have better.

anyways I think I'm moving on. Your actions... they're selfish. All I wanted you to do was be more straightforward with me and you can't even do that.

I can't do this anymore.

If you're not going to even try, I give up.


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In case you wonder in the future why I'm so different towards you, use this as reference

Re: You.

I've spent all my emotion and kindness on you. Let me break down what eats at me the most.

NEGATIVES
- It's like you'll never let me into your heart to see what's going on, but you'll easily let others who you haven't known that long... ie. telling me what's bothering you

- Flirting/hinting at liking people when you know how I feel

- Saying I'm in a one-way relationship. Is that what you want?

- Telling me selective things, and not the whole story (i.e. how you broke up with people... what happened, etc.) Do you not trust me? I don't understand

- Seeing/talking to me when it's convenient for you... notice how whenever I see you we need to be doing something such as eating out or seeing a movie... are you using me... or do you really like spending time with me

- Never being straight with how you feel about me

- Your constant twitter/facebook updates with statuses/photos (i.e. shirtless ones) that are obviously for attention, especially those with keywords aimed at certain people ("chunky")... why can't you just stop doing this. It really irritates me because you act like I'm not giving you the right attention. Treat me better or you will lose me. I'm not joking around, it really pisses me off to see these when I log on... do you see me doing that? Why do you need someone's attention to validate yourself? Please make yourself seem worth more. It's kind of pathetic how you attempt to hide these acts for attention but I can figure it out right away... if something is bothering you just tell me.

- Ignoring me for periods of time without an explanation... I take this hard because you talk to me nearly everyday and when you can't even text and tell me why you didn't call it worries me. Did I say something or are you just tired?

- Running away from problems... ("It's getting late" ... "I'll tell you another time")

- Constantly talking about how things will be when your body image changes... I like you the way you are and you're basically obsessing over this and it seems like your life will change and not include me


There are so many other things... but it's for you to decide whether you want to talk about it face to face. If you don't then I give up, I can't try anymore.