difference

was it insensitive of me to say that it didn't matter whether you called or not?

there I go again, with my way of jumping to use such harsh words...

It matters.. every night that you don't I feel like I'm drifting farther away.. I'm beginning to forget what we used to talk about, or those little traits in your voice... it matters a lot to me.

sometimes it bothers me a lot, like tonight. I want to talk to you.. and you said I could call you... but I wonder why you said I can call you and not "I'll call you tomorrow"... are you tired of trying? I'm sorry that it's always you calling... but I got used to it. It's no excuse but I'm too scared to call you... I don't call anyone... I'm not used to taking that initiative.. maybe I'm just weak.

But tonight I hope you feel this distance too, and try to reach out for me, because it's pulling me away quickly.

Yesterday, when I said I didn't want you to see me if you didn't want to.. I meant it. I want you to want to see me, otherwise it's a waste of time, isn't it? Why would you go to see someone if you didn't want to... I don't know.

And that day we almost saw each other at the mall... was that a sign? That we're drifting apart now? You forgot about me...

Remember when we first met... how close we were and how exciting we were to each other because we changed at the same time...

Maybe our two worlds are really that different now

make your decision.

It's hard for me to say that I have the same patience with you these days. Things aren't the same.
Somedays like today, I think I would be fine if I didn't talk to you at all.
Because your actions are misleading, you continue to engage my emotions and then throw them away with a single thought of your own.

If you're out to find someone, go do it. But realize we won't be the same. I've said this since the beginning. You can't have it both ways. So stop being selfish. This is your ultimatum.

I'd like to move on with my life as well.

>_<

I was debating telling anyone right now
But I've resolved not to... not until the scan. We called and they said it might happen in January or February... that's a little far from now

And I've been noticing a growing pressure on my back... I don't like it

The doctor told me to research and watch videos on the condition... it's called scoliosis. It's when your spine begins to turn or twist at unnatural angles... apparently mine is at an angle of 50 degrees which is bordering a concerning level of curving...

So either I'll have to wear a brace around my middle for a year or more... or I'll have to get corrective surgery where they insert metal rods into my spine to correct it. Either one of these is happening definitely, it can't be left alone. It really scares me... but I must not say anything yet, I'm too scared to acknowledge it as well...