It's raining all day. I don't dislike it because it cools down the air. My back pain is in the mid range. But you know, the mid range I mean is like there was a nail stabbed on my spine.
People are very much scared of the radioactivity these days, which is quite understandable for healthy people. But I am not scared or worried about it at all because my physical and mental illness is much more serious than getting radiated. I am even hoping that this radiation would magically cure my back pain. I don't know so much about nuclear physics though I am a physics doctorate. When it comes to other fields of physics, I am just as dumb as non-science majors are.
I used to support nuclear power for it's powerful productivity and stability, but I don't do that anymore. The accident revealed that how nuclear generates the power was just like taming a beast. I don't really know what options are left for Japan to supply with stable electricity though. Not that there is anything particular I can do because I am just physically and mentally ill.
I can't really care about other people's business anymore because I am dead tired from my own issue.
Where does this deep sadness come from? I have no moment that I feel joy. I feel emotionally "stale", no excitement or enjoyment about absolutely anything. I don't understand why people can cheerfully hang out and have fun. I don't feel hurt by anyone's remarks either because my mind is completely somewhere else. My internal pain is harsh enough to block anybody's badmouths. Who gives a shit about what I do and how I do anyways?
I feel very detached from my surrounding world. This may be caused by the fact that I have lived in a foreign country alone for long time. I do actually suffer from the identity crisis. I am not completely an American, and I am not fully adjusted back to Japanese either. I am not sure who I am and where I really belong to. I look like Japanese, but the way I dress and behave is different from them, and I don't want to mimic what other's do because that is the way Americans behave which I find to be comfortable. Japanese are still closed minded, in the way that they all try to follow the same direction, just like a herd of gazelles.
I feel very detached from my surrounding world. This may be caused by the fact that I have lived in a foreign country alone for long time. I do actually suffer from the identity crisis. I am not completely an American, and I am not fully adjusted back to Japanese either. I am not sure who I am and where I really belong to. I look like Japanese, but the way I dress and behave is different from them, and I don't want to mimic what other's do because that is the way Americans behave which I find to be comfortable. Japanese are still closed minded, in the way that they all try to follow the same direction, just like a herd of gazelles.
I am so tired that I don't even know what I am thinking. There is nothing notable happened except that the weather was nice and I am tired. I used to be so passionate about my work long longtime ago, but where did that passion go? I am living, just like a rolling ball. That's what depression does to me. It's so scary, but there seems to be no solution I can find. "For" is the word I have lost. I don't know what I work for, what my life is for, what everything exists for, where I have to leave for. I don't know. I live out of duty; to pay my bill. That's it. I am not a loser. Losers are much better off than me. I am lost. Losers are at least aware of their situation in their game and they are losing ground. In my case, I don't even know where to find the game and what the game is about. I am bogged down in this deep shit of complete emptiness.
I don't intend to confuse you or discomfort you. My intention here is to simply express my bare feeling, so given that, but even then if you are still interested in my writing, feel free to read as you like.
I don't intend to confuse you or discomfort you. My intention here is to simply express my bare feeling, so given that, but even then if you are still interested in my writing, feel free to read as you like.