ちょっち泥臭い内容なんで、英語で・・・
本気で読まないで～！！読んで理解しちゃった人は、心に留めてね。
勝手でごめんね、でも許してください。(＞人＜)
I want to write in English today,
cuz I can't deal with this feeling if I think in Japanese...
When I was a little girl,
my dad was having an affair with his employee,
even though my mom was in the same shop too.
My grandparents, who lived with us, were awfully mean to my mom and me.
My sister attempted suicide when she was in junior high and moved out.
So, now I can understand that I was only hope to my mom,
but her high standard and expectation was way too much for me.
She was always emotional.
She cried badly so often and abused me.
I wanted to cry when she hurt me, but I couldn't because she was crying.
I wanted her to feel better.
I wanted to protect her from my family.
I didn't even realize that I had a crappy childhood until I got depressed.
I was thinking that my parents were great people, and
I was having such a happy life because they always protected me.
But... it was not true at all.
They didn't even try to protect me and my sister.
We both got depressed and attempted suicide more than once.
If parents treated their children properly,
why would both of us have to even think about killing themselves?
I was lucky to be in the United States.
Great doctor and counselor helped me a lot, and I learned many thing.
Now I can assume that my parents might have had crappy childhood too,
and that's why they don't know to show their love to their children,
because they didn't learn that from their parents.
If I didn't come to this country, maybe I would be a parent just like them.
And right now... I am about to be an aunt.
My sister is having a baby...
her baby is not her husband's baby...
She had an affair just like our dad did and got pregnant.
Her husband knows everything, but still wants to raise the baby with her.
However, she keeps seeing her boyfriend even now.
I don't know what she is going to do, but I want the baby to be happy...
I don't want someone who I love to live like my sister and I had to.
I felt that she already got over her struggling from her childhood,
but seems like I was wrong.
Is there anything I can do???
I can't think of anything... I wanna help her cuz she's my only sister,
and we could finally get along last summer.
I can be cool with anything as long as they are happy, but
the situation is just... depressing.
Maybe this will hurt her baby in the future and I'm worried about it.
Sometimes it scares me, because I am their family...
It makes me feel like, "Am I gonna be end up like them?"
or "Am I one of them?"
I don't wanna make that happen.
I don't wanna hurt anyone,
so I'm not gonna get married for my entire life. lol
I wote that all and now I feel much better~!!!
I couldn't hold it any longer but I couldn't talk about it to anyone so...lol