What process do I enjoy, while enjoying the struggles that come with it at times, and not focusing on the end goal, like I do so with animal jobs, and other things? I admit it, I hate struggle, I hate failing, but we fail and learn and we practice getting better at it, since we all start as beginners, sucking at what we enjoy doing.
Most things in life, I dont like the time it takes to get to where I want to be, I dont have discipline, I lack it, but it is something I must acquire, so I bet start now.
When I started teaching English, I felt I was doing something out of my comfort zone as well as doing something that was larger than myself, maybe even (back then at the moment) larger than the pain I felt after the divorce. Instead of allowing myself to drown in the hurt, I started focusing on teaching, and it helped a lot now looking back. I am unsure if this is some sign, but it is whatever I allow it to be for me, something worth being grateful for, or something I find a bore and a sense like I have outgrown teaching at such a company. That is all up to me.
Doing things for others, living for a cause, struggling, and finding meaning through it while taking care of ourselves. Knowing these are mandatory now, makes thoughts on not wanting kids even more solidified.
What if I am happier in an English-speaking country? There really is no telling. Even if I would be Mehdi's future wife one day in the end, I am my own person and this is my life, and I can't rely on Mehdi, and I have to know what makes me content outside of my future marriage. If I face this hard question, then I wouldn't even think of moving to Germany... so I only hope I will learn what I am meant to learn while in Germany as Mehdi's wife while trying to find happiness there, find a new purpose while I am there.
A process I do enjoy at times is housework, and getting daily house chores done to obtain that cozy, sanctuary which Mehdi and I could live in.