In the past, I was always writing. A journal and lyrics or poems. I read at school to get away from feeling so misunderstood and unseen.
I lost myself in stories to feel less alone in a school I couldn't fit in well. Friendless, English and writing and reading were my silent escape, my safe place looking back. That, and music.
I didn't go to a music school because I was too timid of what I had to go through to get into such a school, for one, it was a good thing I never pursued my dream of becoming a vocalist, because I have no talent, and I am happier just singing as a hobby.
I think my goal in my life is slowly morphing from always being there for others, to maybe down to helping others 60% and improving myself by gaining more self-knowledge. I have to better my relationship with myself. Others can hurt me, but I will never harm myself ever again.
All this time, I was trying to find a connection to my own core. All the writing, reading, and trying to find a future partner who mirrors me. But this was a toxic thing I did to myself, and to others. (I for one, never want to date someone who was the spitting image, thought and maturity-wise, of my former self.)
I can keep being my own friend, and keep improving myself by being well-read, and writing down my worries or future goals and ambitions.
Having a conversation with myself, expressing myself= Writing. This is what I needed all this time instead of not giving myself time to heal and really sit with my feelings regarding so many things in my life, my past and how I had handled various situations.
I will keep learning and unlearning about myself, and keep growing at my own pace.
I will work on engaging in my hobbies: writing, reading, singing, when I can every day. Work is a great motivator and obviously a need in life to put food on the table, but as Kyoko-san taught me, she felt happier after retiring, once she maintained her hobbies in life, and strengthened her bond with her husband.
Mark Mason says "What are you willing to struggle for?", and along with this quote "We are what we value.", I'm sometimes left wondering how to genuinely align the two apart from the obvious drop everything for family and love. I guess my ADHD symptom is not being able to plan the future and always needing things in the now instead of "delaying gratification" for a lack of a better phrase is another big factor on why I need to feel like I am where I am meant to be NOW instead of wait for my future to unfold.