WARNING, This is just an expression of deep down how I felt. So please do not judge as it happened in the past. And its from my point of view. Don't compare with whoever's childhood because whats the point of comparing when I am just expressing my feelings?
They say that all families face a certain problems.
Well I can say that I found that most families. Despite my family although exterior, We look happy and all. but the development, the growth of me and my sister. is just too.. speechless.
Well. Personally I've always an attention seeker. I like the attention from people that I care most about.
And I deep down I dont shine infront of my parents.
So basically said that when times when I am happy, confident about myself. My parents is not there to see it..
Don't get me wrong. All typical teenagers go thru that. Its just. I've always been a comparison of someone else until I am speechless again.
My sister and I grow up in different directions because of the different treatments that our parents gave.
Sometimes I just think like, Hey, if you dunno what I've been going thru. Either you sit down and listen. Or you just shut up and let me run my life la.
I can say that despite growing in an unimaginable life I would still get back on track. Which is good considering some might go insane halfway.
I get lonely easily. Because I've been constantly living in a lonely and fearful life in the past.
Some might even haunt me up till today.
But no matter how also. I am constantly proving myself to everyone that doubted me that I can be successful with that life.
Good memories are always mixed with bad memories. I've found out today when I have a heart to heart talk to my sis.
Actually shes more misunderstood than I am. She always put up that front because she got used to it.. When we were young, maids are closer to us than our parents. It felt weird. But when we need someone there we have no one.
That also taught me a lesson that in the future, when I have kids. I will appoint a maid for cleaning purposes only. Being there for my child means a lot to me. I will never abandon them even if it means losing worktime. I will compromise.
Cant really blame my parents also. They worked so hard to put food on the table for us. Just that emotionally and family activities often result in tears or incomplete.
Yes, I confess. I am afraid of my mother at sometimes. Especially in the morning I am at my worst confidence level. Everything I say or do is wrong. I might get a scolding that would affect the mood of my entire day. Thats why sometimes I might wake up early and just stay in the room until she went out to work.
This is bad. But I can't really help it. I got used to it and its comfortable in a way.. I've never really talked to her about it because I felt that there is no point talking about it.. What has happened in the past left a permanent scar in my heart that just can't go away.
Up until when I was in late secondary years till then only she would patch up and get close again. But I felt nothing. Since its the past I wanna let go. But sometimes things just brings me back to the past and I am scare..
But I am strengthening up la. Because its true. I was a brat in the past and I know she just wants me to succeed in life. She got worried.
Sigh. Going thru all this really taught me a valueble lesson of parenthood. No matter how good my family can get now. It still wont replace the hard past that me and my sister had lived,
Now flashbacks are swirling in my mind.
All the sad ones are more vivid than the happy ones it seems.
Its not the situation is complex I guess. I guess its just me..
I just need that special someone who constantly talks to me. Loves me for who I am. Gives me attention when I need it. And also to provide me with the confidence. That confidence that one day if I ever go insane, I will pull myself back...
They say that all families face a certain problems.
Well I can say that I found that most families. Despite my family although exterior, We look happy and all. but the development, the growth of me and my sister. is just too.. speechless.
Well. Personally I've always an attention seeker. I like the attention from people that I care most about.
And I deep down I dont shine infront of my parents.
So basically said that when times when I am happy, confident about myself. My parents is not there to see it..
Don't get me wrong. All typical teenagers go thru that. Its just. I've always been a comparison of someone else until I am speechless again.
My sister and I grow up in different directions because of the different treatments that our parents gave.
Sometimes I just think like, Hey, if you dunno what I've been going thru. Either you sit down and listen. Or you just shut up and let me run my life la.
I can say that despite growing in an unimaginable life I would still get back on track. Which is good considering some might go insane halfway.
I get lonely easily. Because I've been constantly living in a lonely and fearful life in the past.
Some might even haunt me up till today.
But no matter how also. I am constantly proving myself to everyone that doubted me that I can be successful with that life.
Good memories are always mixed with bad memories. I've found out today when I have a heart to heart talk to my sis.
Actually shes more misunderstood than I am. She always put up that front because she got used to it.. When we were young, maids are closer to us than our parents. It felt weird. But when we need someone there we have no one.
That also taught me a lesson that in the future, when I have kids. I will appoint a maid for cleaning purposes only. Being there for my child means a lot to me. I will never abandon them even if it means losing worktime. I will compromise.
Cant really blame my parents also. They worked so hard to put food on the table for us. Just that emotionally and family activities often result in tears or incomplete.
Yes, I confess. I am afraid of my mother at sometimes. Especially in the morning I am at my worst confidence level. Everything I say or do is wrong. I might get a scolding that would affect the mood of my entire day. Thats why sometimes I might wake up early and just stay in the room until she went out to work.
This is bad. But I can't really help it. I got used to it and its comfortable in a way.. I've never really talked to her about it because I felt that there is no point talking about it.. What has happened in the past left a permanent scar in my heart that just can't go away.
Up until when I was in late secondary years till then only she would patch up and get close again. But I felt nothing. Since its the past I wanna let go. But sometimes things just brings me back to the past and I am scare..
But I am strengthening up la. Because its true. I was a brat in the past and I know she just wants me to succeed in life. She got worried.
Sigh. Going thru all this really taught me a valueble lesson of parenthood. No matter how good my family can get now. It still wont replace the hard past that me and my sister had lived,
Now flashbacks are swirling in my mind.
All the sad ones are more vivid than the happy ones it seems.
Its not the situation is complex I guess. I guess its just me..
I just need that special someone who constantly talks to me. Loves me for who I am. Gives me attention when I need it. And also to provide me with the confidence. That confidence that one day if I ever go insane, I will pull myself back...