I’m dying and thinking about jumping from the balcony every day when I’m drunk. And when I see down from the balcony, I see the trash bin next my building and thought I don’t wanna die on top of the trash. That’s the only thing to stop me to jump right now, that’s so funny. How trash of my life and I don’t have courage to subside either. So coward of me. I was simply try to find stable life and I fucked up everything I had. My love, my life and.... I don’t wanna annoying my good friends about my boring life cos of my borderline and drunk and stupidness. In the end I have on one left. Everybody leave me from my side in the end cos I’m just crazy and unusual. I’m fuked up and I’m glad nobody want me anymore. But I’m just lonely all the time....cos im fucked in my head and everybody couldn’t take it anyways even myself...
I do not know what I want anymore. I kept drinking, smoking and cutting myself and thinking abt jump from the balcony every single day. And I almost got raped cos I kept finding random guys. (Funny I suffer from the consequences)
I kept thinking abt the peaceful time we had. It was my fault I couldn’t trust you enough cos of lots of worries inside me. Now I know it was my problem all the time, I never fulfilled and in the future too.
I’m very thankful for the so much love and care you had gave to me bfr, and you are the only one who gave me a real love. I realized I always loved you unconsciously, and I guess I’d never respected my own feelings as well.
I realized I should let you go so you can move on as well. I know you are very strong inside and kind too even though you had such a tough life, and I always admire how you are too. If I were you, I couldn’t done the same.
Everyday I realized how crazy I am and I cannot change it. I know also even if we were together I couldn’t make you happy either.
Yesterday Honda told me, she understand your feelings. She said you must really like me, that’s why it was really hard for you to face what I did to you. Cos you really love me, that’s why you had to leave me cos you couldn’t take it anymore. No wonder you had to give up.
I always wish I could get one last chance to make up to you cos I didn’t mean I don’t love you, but I realized now this is selfish of me.
To be honest, There are so many guys like me all the time, but I keep thinking abt u n never forget abt u.
But Doesn’t matter my life gonna fucked up, I should let you go cos I still love you. Every time I message to you, I just suffer you cos I’m mentally fucked up. I know clearly now I’m not normal, cos every time More i talk with other people I realize I think different than others so much. Then I also realized you had been so patient for me.
I don’t deserve anyone and you. I don’t deserve a peaceful life like normal ppl. You should but not me. I don’t even deserve life in this world cos I’m so selfish and crazy. Nobody gonna like the person like me anyways, they only like my appearance. I know I can hard work and change my life, cos I’m not stupid, but My mental has been always stop everything for a good life. That’s why I couldn’t finish the school all the time and met fucked up ppl who hurt me. I know in my head, but I just can’t stop thinking and do the right things.
Whatever the reasons, I mean ,I like you so, to make up for you, I should just disappear from your life. Wish you gonna have a good life and meet a nice girl who can take care of you and give you a real love.
Thank you David san for keep taking to me so far even though you hate me so much now, I know you just being kind to me. I had so much fun time with you, it’s just my fault my mental is never fulfill and dry up.
I miss you so much and your warm hugs. But plz forget abt me.
farewell David san, all the best and love...
Do you know what I miss you the most abt our time? When I play w your piano and u play ur song for me. I feel the most relaxing time in my life
I miss you so much, I have never feel this way this way. Even though I was with any guys and so many guys tell me they like me, my heart only think about you all the time since I was hang out w guys last time. My heart just like you only, I only feel safe w u not anyone else. I just felt scared bfr but my heart was only belongs to you always. I didn’t meant I wanna be with other guys or hurt you. You are the only one understand me and feel safe with. Not anyone else.
When I first time I met you, I just felt I can accept you, and never thought we will be so much with each other’s so much and deep like this. Now I know I was wrong to only think about money, I can’t survive without you are next to me. Don’t you remember I always tell you if you merry me now, I wouldn’t find any guys anymore, that’s how much I love you. I loved you and you thought you don’t wanna be w me seriously. I was afraid you gonna abandon me, that’s why I kept find other guys but inside me I only love you. Plz don’t left me like this, do you really think we can live without each other’s life this forever? Is that really fine for you to live without each other likely this, I felt so safe with you and you were part of my life, I cannot sleep without you guys play simple songs for me, I cannot believe how i simply can feel safe aft you play only with your piano. Even though I was with so many guys I can’t forget the bond with you cos. You are the only one and the last one for me. Yeahm sorry I was so sick and crazy, I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself to stop feeling lonely, I just only missed you not anyone else. Plz don’t give up one me, I don’t wanna anyone else only you. I only miss your hug only I only miss you really, I didn’t mean to love anyone else. Plz don’t leave me alone, i only need you I don’t wanna anyone else and I don’t wanna money anymore or listing my mom or care abt what other ppl anymore. I don’t wanna live without you anymore I only need you not anyone else, plz forgive me plz I know I was wrong plz I’m sorry. Yeah don’t wanna live without you like this, I can’t think the life without you i was feeling the most happy with you even though I was crazy but I only have you I don’t wanna forget you. Plz I’m not like nobody like me, lots of guys like me, but I don’t want that. I’ll become ugly for you then nobody will like me anymore. I won’t let you jealous anymore I’m sorry, I just wanna be happy with you, you r the only one feel the same not anyone else. I don’t feel comfortable w anyone else only w you. I can’t live without you. I don’t wanna finish my life like this, if I had to finish I wanted to finish next to you. Plz don’t leave me alone, plz don’t give up on me plz
I don’t know why I keep missing you and drunk every single day to think about you. That’s so unusual for me. I kept thinking about the time spent together but realized you have already moved on and have a new gf now. I was thinking about the past about myself and how I was crazy. I had admit I was trying to relay on someone all the time because my borderline and hurt someone all the time too. I had never wanted stand for myself and take for granted your kindness. I guess I should be more independent so I won’t depend to someone and annoying ppl anymore. I know realized if I wanna get real freedom I should fight for myself. I’m so appreciate the love you gave me all the time. I’ll try to find a job and try to equal as well. I don’t wanna beg for someone to feed me all the time and be burdened to someone. I wann show I can earn some money and proof I don’t need to beg for someone anymore. I wanna have a normal relationship too. I used to worry you abounded you all the time, that’s why find some guys to compensate you, but I don’t wanna repeat my mistakes anymore. To be honest, I always wanna take easiest way like my auntie, but I felt stable cos I felt scared to lose all the time. But I love you so much and nobody can replace that, and I know I hurt you cos my insecurity. I didn’t realize i really love someone now, so funny I realize that now. I’m so stupid right? Even though I’m stupid but I wanna be normal and talk to you normally. Maybe I will find someone else like you one day because many ppl attract with me anyways now , but at least I wanna try first because of you. I wanna have pure relationships without thinking and worry about money anymore. I lost love because of it already, and I felt very uncomfortable, felt like I’m nothing. But I wanna have normal life with you. I know I’m sick and suck now but I wanna try so many things. I know you are not gonna forgive and be with me anymore but the time we were together was peaceful time in my life and I don’t wanna give up for it. I wish we can have normal relationship and happy forever...even though it’s painful for me. I don’t wanna be sad all the time. Cos I miss your warm hug..
ぽっかり
部屋には誰もいない
静寂だけが聞こえてくる
悲しみと
後悔
思い出
いつも私の側に
居てくれる。
ねえ、苦しいよ
ただ何も無いって
とっても苦しい。
人が窓も無い
狭い暗闇の独房で
発狂してしまうのと
同じだ。
ここには
何も無いし
何も見えない
そして
身動きさえとれないんだ。
さみしい
くるしい
恐い
誰一人
この空虚感を
分かち合えない。
だって本当に一人だから。
こんなにいつも
一人ぽっちで
この世界に必要とされているのさえ
分からない。
実は自分は無用の人間なんじゃないか
だからいつも誰からも必要とされない
独りぼっちなんじゃないか
余念が頭を過る。
もう何もしたくない。
何かをしなきゃ行けないと思う事が
苦痛でしょうがない。
自由になりたい