2019/10/08

I was reading through my old blogs, and I found out I didn’t change at all. Even though I smoked, I went to counselor, met someone I thought I love and did everything I thought is good for myself, I didn’t change way of my thinking at all. So surprised I still stay the same and I back to old myself. I guess it’s hard to change someone.

I’m lucky there are lots of ppl try to help me when I’m sad even though they can’t really help me cos I’m the only person who can truly help myself and I should feel happy my ex isn’t got killed, I feel confused should I feel happy about the fact he broke up with me so I can move on my life? Or he abandon me and gave up who I am? I’m confused 

2019/10/08

I don’t like anyone even though they are nice to me. Feel so lonely I can’t understand how can he fine with new relationship and act normal. I wish I could be like him. I couldn’t imagine how can he didn’t complain anything with me, and how can he like someone so fast and live without me. I know I’m useless person but i though we were connected somehow even though we don’t live together. Everyone tells me to forget about him and find new bf. But even though I met some other guys when I was with him or not with him, I never wanted to have a new relationship and only thinking about him somehow. Inside me I only have him, and I thought somehow he feels same, but I was wrong.. and I wonder how he can do that. Is it because he already forgot about me? He just changed his mind? He doesn’t like me anymore cos we were staying together too long? Maybe was he gets bored with me? He met someone more fun than me long time ago? I have no idea and can’t stop thinking about it. I wish I could be with him again to shear life together and this time I don’t wanna be the same like I used to. But in the other hand, I’m scared I don’t deserve anyone anymore because im crazy anyway, no one gonna like real me. I thought he accepted everything about me, but I was wrong, I was wrong about everything. Is it because he denied me, that’s why I suddenly so obsessed? But I also have some guys break up with me before, then that’s not make sense. I don’t know why I keep thinking about him everyday when I wake up and when I sleep too. I just miss he hugs me and gave me a kiss on my head. Am I crazy? I don’t know and I hate myself so much...I wish I was normal and have a normal life like everyone else.

2019/10/07

I wish I could end myself cos I hate so much about my self, so useless. But I’m so coward to finish it. Still think about how can I finish comfortably.... so stupid.not many ppl know about it, subside also needs lots of courage to do it....only things I can do is now are not eating anything and keep drinking to forget and cut myself to feel relax somehow