I still don’t understand why he broke up with me. Even though everyone told me, it’s was wrong to hangout with other guys, but I never meant to cheat. He said I hurt him, but I felt like he didn’t see the truth only the pictures. What you see and the fact are not always the same. Don’t judge the book from its cover. For me, I just missed him too much that’s why I tried to cover up my loneliness with him. But for him, he was trying to fight for the loneliness and I was cheating while he was thinking about me seriously. And the fact was we both still liked each other, just about wrong behaviors and different thoughts.
I still don’t get why do we had to choose hard way even though we still like each other. That’s why I still can’t get it. For my opinion, we could try to talk about it and find a solutions, that’s why I felt he just give up on our relationship.
Am I not important than the pride and what other people think? So the love for me was that simple?
He always misunderstood I didn’t like if he hang out with someone even with guys or girls, but the fact was I really don’t mind and what I mind was I would lost the time we gonna spend together cos I like the time with him too much and wished we could spend time every minutes together. But I also don’t get why he didn’t get my concept bfr.
Maybe my English is not so good to explain what I’m thinking? I don’t get it.
I feel now I’m not worth to love for him, I’m worse than his pride and his money. I’m cheap than money, I’m not important than he is being a guy, I guess. The true love I have is not enough for him I guess. Maybe he wants more than that..
If he really need and ask seriously , I would do anything, I thought all we need is talk and then figure out/solve the problem together.
He told me last time, how can we still be the same like we used to be? I didn’t really have time to tell him, we don’t have to stay the same, we can change and I can change, I can also make up for him in his way, because for me stay the same is not the most important thing, as long as we like each other. He probably think I’m dirty or something, but I really didn’t do any kiss or sex or crazy stuffs, I just hanged out. Thoes guys did hug me or kissed me on my check, but you also do with friends, that’s why I thought it’s not a big deal and didn’t even delete the pictures. And I was not the one actively close to them. I mean he could even ask those guys how far we went, I’m not even afraid...
It was true I took advantages of those guys, so they would treat nice for me. But I only like him and I didn’t mean to take advantage from him. I was actually excited to see him again, and I was maybe too excited that’s why I started feeling anxious. And now understand he didn’t contact me often because he was busy calling with friends. But that turned to made me upset and felt lonely in the end. Maybe it was bad idea to go to trip even.....
I was thinking if I don’t feel anxious all the time when we don’t contact each others, I wouldn’t feel that lonely and find someone to cover it up. But it is also true, it’s almost impossible for me. I shouldn’t be with anyone because I won’t feel satisfied anyways if the guy is not next to me 24hours.
I wish I could talk with him more to understand how he feel, I should have ask him more questions. I was trying to explain myself, but I always field to ask him cos I was too excited and couldn’t think calm. All he tells me was his feelings got looked up, I was attacking it and I hurt his pride. But I have never ask how sad he was, how was his life all this time, when he felt attacked, why he was hurt really, what he was thinking when he found out, how much he was angry, how sad he was, what does he think about our relationship bfr, and what he was thinking about me, etc.
I understand that all his life people were try to not nice to him and he was always needed to fight back, so if he tells about his feelings to someone, that can become weakness for him. I understand he doesn’t really want to open up his mind because I was trying for four years of relationship. I do understand his habits but It was hard for me to understand how he really thinks cos he was always avoiding to talk about it. I did try my best to observe him but I always told him I feel a wall between us, cos he was unconsciously block his mind from everybody.
I always surprise he is always warm and kind to me even though what he had been through was tough. Even though what he had been trough, he has very strong mind and mental. I always wonder how can he become like that and I do esteem about it the most, and that’s also why I like him.
I still remember the first time I met him.
For the first sight, I see he looked very dignified and elegant,like he is some kind of prince. But he’s eyes were so strong nobody can bullies him. I liked him but couldn’t love him cos I had hard time to look at his eyes. But I also thought I could feel safe with him cos of his eyes.
I sometimes told his to walk/stand straight, but he seems like doesn’t care. The reason why i told him that cos I can see he felt pressure and almost looked like he feels inferior from the world, and I always feel he is beautiful how he is and should be more confident. I mean I don’t know how to explain this, but he is beautiful enough so it’s pitty he doesn’t stand straight. I’d never told him that cos its bit awkward.
I know he is very stubborn and has wall around him because he was always fighting alone since he was small, that’s why I always tried to guid him if I was in normal state without let him realize. I’m not that smart to guid him but I know how much better he can become.
Anyways I wish he could know we just both like each other with a strong bond and if our relationship was strong enough we could solve the problem together even though we were sad for each other.
I’m sad about the fact that I couldn’t talk with him anymore face to face or spend time step by step because I have no opportunity to stay in Holland anymore. And I have unstable mental and poor English skills to talk details about the relationship clearly.
Anyways he is already forgetting me and doesn’t like me anymore somehow. Maybe we just not destiny to be together because we are from different countries. We have very big distance between us cos I missed so many opportunities to stay in Holland. Maybe I just not belong in the country for the first point.
He kept complaining I didn’t like the life in Holland anyways and now I can stay at home. But it’s not about where I stay or live in jap or Holland, it’s about who I spend time with. He said I can finally spend time with my family and that was what I always wanted, but he probably forgot I wanted to be with everybody with him too, that’s why I told him bfr I’d like to fly between the counties once a year. I also told him many times, doesn’t matter about his tax job even though he can earn pretty good, I wished he can come to japan and live with me even though we probably live poorly. I also told him many times again, if he could marry with me now, I would stop everything. That’s how much I love him. He always thought I treated him like a dog, but then I would say those words to him.
He could also tell me what he doesn’t like about me, and i would try me best to change for him. That’s why I always said to him, I didn’t mean to let him that way.
Even these words are useless now to say, but I wish he could understand it one day... and gave our relationship one last chance to improve....just for a short period is also fine. I would try my best and if the last chance won’t work out, I will really give up completely cos that can proof we shouldn’t be together. I hope he understand I never give up for the hope even though I’m fucked up all the time, I still kept going forward for the best. But sadly ofc it can be happen when we both still like each other...
