I regret what I had done. I regret too much it makes me can’t sleep again now. Every time I wake up in middle of the short sleep, I just remember him. Everyone told me I should forget about him, even him is forgetting about me with new girlfriend.
I used to think anything happened in My future, I’ll be with him anyways. I liked him then anyone else and even though I felt anxious about the money with him, if it’s not about money, I will be with him. I was looking for rich guys all the time, but my heart was never forgotten about him. So many years when I was with him, I was struggling what should I do. Should I take money and don’t believe in love? Or should I listen to everyone and believe in love with him? I was always thought even I chose love with him, I’ll probably end up with break up or divorce with him, because maybe I wouldn’t become happy about money and life with him.
The funny thing is now I just realized money is not important at all because I don’t have a big problem with money anyways and my mom used to tell me becoming rich is not easy, not everyone can become rich so I shouldn’t care about feelings.
But I realized now I can’t replace love with other people or even with money.
Ironically I have probably never realized what is the true love if he broked up with me. But maybe this isn’t true love? Because he is already moving on with new gf even though I thought we meant be together. I always thought no matter what will happen, we will be together, but I was wrong.
I still don’t get, instade of tried to fix the problems together , how come he could decided live his future without me because of my stupid mistakes ? Because I screamed crazy? Because I couldn’t feel safe with crazy mind? So he can just decide live life with someone else like that? What we spend together was so simple like that?
I don’t wanna beg him or force him to keep going on same relationship like we used to have , because I don’t wanna think about the money anymore and be sad with him all the time, Or wish I wanna back to Holland. Because that’s not I really want now. I just live happily and simply spend peaceful life with him till the end of my life.
I just wanna no matter what happened in the life, I just wanna face any problems next to him because he is the only one who can troll along any load.
Nobody look at me like that, nobody ever let me feel we were really together from my soul. He was really part of my life and almost like the air which one of the most important elements to alive. You could forget about the air but you know you can’t stop breathing because you will die without it. He was even with me when I was in the worst moment when I was struggling with the school and when my baby left this world. I couldn’t keep going on if he was not next to me.
And I’m dying now, because I don’t wanna forget about the time we three spend together and how happy was the moment.
I can just leave this world because I have no expectations for the future anymore. I do care about my family, but they already have their own life and load to go. It’s not gonna change anything when I went back to japan. And I don’t wanna live lonely with someone who doesn’t know real me and only care about money. It’s so meaningless for me when I’m thinking about the future with someone else or alone. I could have a new dog, I could have a new boyfriend, but they are never be the same because they are not from the past.
Longer I live , painful I am. I’m always thinking if I have courage I should have finished myself soon, and I was right. I should finish now because this is not the world for me anymore. I don’t wanna keep going on alone anymore, this is enough even though the people around me will blame me for what would I have done, I’m sure they will keep going on anyways, I shouldn’t let them disappoint more. Sooner I stop, the better for everyone. I would like to live in their fantasy then in real life lonely.