a date

I went to a date with a guy today. He was a nice guy, he is a Dutch and he even has a PhD for astronomy. I was dating with him in a very romantic place, but.. I kept remembering him. I kept remembering we were talking about any kind of crazy sifi stuffs and random stuffs. He was pretty smart to keep up my random stories and we always had fun to chat stuffs. He could accept my crazy stories and I was always tell him my crazy stories without worrying to reject. I have lots of illusions to think about future all the time and sometimes people think I’m crazy. But he always accepted it and even join my stories. 

I kept remembering the time when I was in Holland with him when I was dating the new Dutch guy. I start feeling I can’t find anyone like him anymore. Nobody can be the same like him and that’s also why we could be together for such a long time. I didn’t realize that before when we were together.

I guess I’m just not ready for a new relationship now. I kept comparing him with other guys. I simply cannot forget about him because we were so fit together. 

I don’t know... i have lots of guys liking me now, but I cannot like them cos I feel different. 

counseling

I went to counseling yesterday.

I didn’t really talk anything because of limited time and I had to explain everything about myself first like how i ended up in Holland and what happened in my life.

I realized I had so much stories to tell because so many things happened in my lifetime. And the doctor told me that she could understand how hard for me to study abroad alone because she also used to live abroad for a year alone. She said even a year, it was hard time for her, so I could imagine the pain.

I was glad she could understand, but I didn’t have time to tell her about how depressed I am right now. I wanted to make another appointment next week and my psychiatrist told me I should come there again in two weeks later and I should wait. I didn’t understand why and I thought that’s why people are suiciding because if you don’t have money to pay for counseling it’s hard to get a doctor. or you have to suicide first and if you luckily survive from serious accident, you will finally able to get in the mental clinic. Either ways, you have to pay for everything anyways.

However even though I didn’t get a chance to talk about my current situation, after the doctor, I felt bit better. I felt like I got some help, so I felt bit safe. Of course not totally, so I went to karaoke for 4 hours because the doctor was in the morning. 

During the karaoke time, I kept thinking about the time I went there with him and sang some songs for him. Kept remembering the time we were in japan traveling. Now he even deleted my from the travel chat group from WhatsApp and even changed the icon with a pic without me. I got shocked cos I thought he didn’t even want to let me see the chat and maybe even thinks it’s dangerous to let me see the WhatsApp chats so I will know what’s happening. 

He sent me a message to ask how’s my English exam yesterday too. But then I thought he has girlfriend now, he was already moving on and even deleted me from WhatsApp that means I’m not part of his life anymore or he even thinks too much negativity about me. So somehow I don’t wanna care about him anymore. He complained to me last time that how much effort he gave to me, but I also tried to be nice to him as much as I could even though I was doing crazy stuffs sometimes, I didn’t mean any harm to him. 

Then I start remembering he has crazy delusions about me sometimes because he doesn’t know me totally. I had hard time to explain how I feel and think sometimes while we were together. 

wake up again

Drunk and slept at morning yet woke up again aft 3 hours of sleep everyday. His face and the memories suddenly popped out in my head during my sleep. 

Wish he could stayed next to me and though about how happy he is now with his new girlfriend. I know clearly he is happy now with his new life and new girlfriend, and moved on from me and forgetting about me. He doesn’t like me anyways, the fact causes me the pain the most.

I know I should move on and forget about him, but somehow I don’t want to deep deep down inside me. Is that because I still love him? Is that cos I’ve never had chance to take time to talk with him about everything? Is that cos I cannot face the fact  he will gone forever from my future? 

I have already met lots of guys and many guys also like me, but I don’t like anyone, no one moved my heart and don’t feel like start a new relationship. I was wondering how he can move on without contact me anymore even though he told me he was already tried to move on few months ago without me. Was I not important to be with anymore? Just because I missed him and hanged out with guys for friends? 

I met a old guy who is almost dying from a cancer yesterday, he told me he still miss a woman who were together 40 years ago. They were passionately together even in long distance relationship,and back then they didn’t have any internet so couldn’t contact often like now. They were together for 6 years but in the end the guy left her because he got a kid with other women in his country. He said because I wished her happiness the best so I left her and thinking about her still before i die. He said he still have lots of letters the woman gave to him and wish he could see her again and said sorry. 

And then I thought why didn’t he just be with her if he miss her that much, that’s very weird for me and made me sad too because if he was being same like this old guy, I would feel angry and even more sad, because it doesn’t make sense at all. Why do you need to make everybody depressed? Do you feel really happy to do this? What is more important your career or your love? Do you really feel happy to move on like this? I’d never known cos he didn’t tell me. 

I even saw a story about two real famous guys fought each other cos they like each other too much on a tv. And one of a guy decided to leave the other guy and never met his friend anymore but they both never forget about each others and even cried when they got old. 

When I saw the tv show, I also didn’t get why they acted like that. If you think about someone’s happiness the best and know the other person like you too, then why not keep contacting? I don’t think the other person will become happy if you just disappear or without clear discussion. Why did they think that’s the best for happiness, onbody got happy in the all stories. Doesn’t make sense.

So he wish me to never forget about me and being sad forever untill I die? So he was lying to me about he wish I get happy? Why he was really sad he didn’t talk with me seriously and just ignored me and moved on? Does really he think new relationship is better like change a clothes? So throw away the clothes you like and comfortable because it gets dirty, so you decide to throw away without send it to cleaning like just a stuff? 

but if I have to think logically, according to what I leaned so far, he just doesn’t like me at first point. He wouldn’t act like this now, if he really loves me. 

So sometimes I think I don’t wanna care if he hates me more (he doesn’t like me anymore anyways) why should I stop contacting him. Then I thought he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore and it’s weird I keep push him to talk even a friend. 

Then he said I can contact with him when I need him cos he still care about how I am, that doesn’t make sense either. That’s really call a care? 

I remember he always told me what people say and what people really think are different. Sometimes people say the things they don’t really think that way, not from their heart. 

So he was always doing that to me too? Why? Why do you need to lie? For yourself? Do you really get protected by saying different words? If everything finishe, it won’t be a way to go back anymore, it will gone forever like my baby or gandma. I’m sure those people always have so many things want to talk or ask when grandma die but it was too late. Why? Why not ? Why? 

I went to a doctor for my borderline yesterday. The doctor was nice, seemed like he tried to help me, so asked me to make a new appointment on Friday morning again. I don’t even know this can helpful for me because if I wanna go to a real counseling , it will very expensive and the doctor yesterday even told me so. 

I thought that’s not fare, because I have so much problems for living but I have to pay so much to fix it. So people with no money mean you can just die from illness like me and he also left me all because of the money. 

That’s why I also thought he just gave up on me and chose new life for himself. Understandable cos everyone left me in the end cos I’m annoying, but disappointed too cos I was so trusted in him. 

Should I see this problem from the general point of view? Or from my point of view? 

The general point of view is the fact I seem cheated on him cos thats not normal things to do. I shouldn’t have hang out with guys for friends or too close to them even though nobody said anything to me before when I was doing that. 

The my point of view is I just sick to do crazy things sometimes because of loneliness and depression, I’m just sad and anxious. I have no money to fix my problems and I was trying something to fix myself all these years, I sometimes failed cos I’m not perfect and normal. 

If these points of views doesn’t apply to why he left, then he just doesn’t have feelings for me and like someone else simply. Is that more logical?