2019/10/20

I’m so tired. Many guys like me, but I’m so tired. No one care satisfied or fill out my heat. 

I don’t know anything, I cannot find out the answer. I tried out everything, went to salons, talk to my friends, hang out with brother and tried to work and drink and went to counseling.

Nothing, really nothing can make me feel satisfied. 

Am I crazy? Am I not normal? Am I getting better? I do not know. 

I wish some car just hit me and kills me. 

I have so many problems, and keep destroying me.

Why should I keep living? For what? 

I don’t like anything or anyone. 

a class

I went to a English class today and my teacher told me my pronunciation is good , but my grammar sucked. 

It was true I kept avoiding to talk clearly and I kept having flashbacks of traumas of the school. I didn’t wanna talk in a group cos I have bad memories of working in the school in Arnhem. I was afraid so much to facing with new people and I know I ignored my grammar all the time. Cos I don’t wanna study about it anymore.

I wanna disappear 

gave up

Im trying of dying everyday single day. I feel like I’m nothing cos I really didn’t do anything but my bf dumped me even though it was misunderstanding for me. I really didn’t do anything and who I really loved was him, but I couldn’t understand it. I’m thinking maybe his love was just like that , but I couldn’t believe it.

I wish I could die anytime and finish facing this truth.

I don’t wanna live this life anymore, I don’t like this life full of people’s rusts. I wanna escape from this world. 

I’m always walk cross the car street but no one hit me yet. I wish someone just hitted me and kill me now.

I’m drunk every single day and keep questioning myself why this things happened. I simply cannot understand and I just wanna finish everything.

I am trying to keep going on, but this isn’t what I want and not my life. 

Will he remember me forever if I died? Will he love me somehow if I gone forever? 

I know this isn’t love, but I gave up. Everyone left me in the end except Tj... I miss her so much and the time we were together and relax and thought about nothing. 

I’m so tried of thinking about my age and marriage anymore. I gave up. I’m gonna be alone forever then why not finish now?