ideals

"he's the guy i've been waiting for"
"he filled up the emptiness inside me"
"he's the one who took me out from loneliness"
"he's the one!"



after several days, wk,s hours, months , years

"if only i knew he's LIKE THAT, i would never let him enter my life"

"I regret knowing him" ....


hmmmm...the question "why is it people change their feelings?" I was asked by my professor with this question.. of course me being cognitive answered this way

"because they have these ideals at first.. and then reality sinks in, they realized that the guy they've been with is not THE one they've been waiting for. The truth is, their ideals is not congruent to reality"


So i wonder. why the hell people have these "ideals".. cause honestly there's no such thing as an IDEAL GUY/MAN/WOMAN ... if you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with your ideals not actually with the person but the PERSON you made up in your mind.

he

It was May of 2007 when I first said I LOVE YOU to someone....
he was my second boyfriend but I always consider him as my first love..
I loved him and I believe that he's the one I did love the most.....

I was reading my old blog when suddenly I saw my past entries about him/our story,
it kinda put a smile on my face because I know myself, it's really rare for me to fall in love with someone...
to trust and not to give up... but all of these, I have done with him..

it was a tough decision to choose him..
because i knew that he has to go back in his hometown anytime soon
but i took the risk... i took a chance.
we broke up eventually, but I had a wonderful time with him..
and I never regret anything ...


I was wondering, what he would react if he finds out about my present situation...
I was imagining that probably he would smile to me and would say
"xue, don't be afraid to love again"

hahaha I know I'm crazy and I have these hallucinations in my head
but i know well that we shared something that can never be erased...
I have learned so much from him..

and I realized.... after reading my past entries that

I want to love again... I want to find a way back into love LOL

I have wasted so much time choosing guys I don't like at all so I can save myself from pain but the consequence is that I never became happy....

----

it was inspiring reading my blog once more...
hahaha wow~ i almost forgot that I can be that brave...
I realized that I can actually take a risk....

so i guess I have to be reminded all the time about my happy moments with this person.. eventhough we didnt end up together I WAS HAPPY...very much happy.... i had wonderful memories that I can always treasure....

so.... hahahah is this the answer??~~~~~

I want to make more happy memories... ^__^..

vague

Am I making things complicated?
I guess so...

I really hate posting about my love life on the net cause i hate mushy stuffs...
see~ I haven't written much for the past months and here I am talking about emotions... argghhh...

but the truth is.. Iam this sensitive.. I am this scared. I am this pathetic...

Most of the time I try to conceal what I feel... i guess i have become a hypocrite in this way.. and I'm hating myself for it... I am not even true to my feelings... I realized I have too much psychology lessons in my head that I have over done it... Not that it's bad and it wasn't helpful, but I realized that recently I haven't listened to my emotions... lately I have become much of a cognitivist and forgot to include my feelings...

Really,,, I am lonely... i guess i have this inner loneliness...
maybe im thinking too much, maybe im too scared.. im too afraid... my fears are hunting me.. whatever.... this time I am really confused....
and u know what? I feel like running away from the situation again~~

Do you know the feeling when you always think of someone, when you always miss that someone, the feeling when you don;t need anything anymore and by just seeing the person would satisfy you??.. THAT! THAT SIMPLE!!! ... and for me,, it is very scary. really scary.... Whatever is the name of this disorder, it scares the hell out of me!!.. I don't know why it seems ego dystonic for my case... i heard this disorder is actually ego syntonic..
worse.... it affects my normal functioning

psychotherapy

from now on no one will remind me about my irrational beliefs and basic mistakes hahaahaha
my psythep class is over lol....i will surely miss the class T_T...
from now on it's all about applications~~
I have gained insights, i made my unconscious conscious, i gained awareness~
I have passed the final exam but the real test is only about to start...


one day my prof will be so proud of me......
i know someday I will be able to overcome my abnormalities hahaahhahaa

thanks psythep class, thanks sir galvez~ ^___^

FEAR

I hate this feeling...
i hate the feeling of missing someone so badly
i hate the feeling of wanting to be with that person all the time
i hate the feeling of "Depending too much"

love... falling in love is scary......

i guess im thinking too much....

i hate this feeling....

i will never have a bf if i continue this way....
i wont want my bf seeing how depressed I can be..
i dont even want to show my weaknesses....
Iam sad.. i am scared.... tooo scccccccareeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddddddddd

inferiority feelings

inferiority feeling is normal..
inferiority complex is for neurotics XD

so therefore I am normal XD

scared

scared to lose myself again.....

attitude adjustment

I am a big snob! someone with high standards lol..
promise, I don't want to be sarcastic anymore.. but really some guys are really annoying~~
why can't they get the idea that I am not friggin interested... im trying to be nice but Iam
straightforward! I don' like wasting my time~~

i said it in a nice way~ so why he has to get mad about it~
DUH~~~

what an asshole lol..

C.O.L.D

my heart is very cold.. hahaha
i know i dont believe in these things anymore..
but really im cold.. i dont feel anything..



still wants to tell people stop killing themselves with anxiety...

tell me your wish

hahahahhaha