FU

seriously how can you enjoy life when you're living with the most annoying people?
thats the reason why i dont come home ... i wait for the sun to rise then i'll go back home,, at least in this way
i wont be able to see them....

this is a never ending story...

but if i have the chance i'll tell her face to face that she doesn't have the right to be a parents...
WANT STORIES?.. no need.. i posted thousands of those here before....
i dont want sympathy from people..
my blog is just place for me to express my feelings..
catharsis...
i need that..
cause the truth is... i have so many hatred inside my heart.....

how can you forgive people when they never stop hurting you?
"they" act kind in front of others but they dont even know the need of their own child..
they dont even know how unsupportive and harsh they could be with her....

blah blah blah... one day i'll get a life BY MYSELF..
without them...
im not a bad person..... they want me out of their lives? so do i...
they think i cant stant on my own?... well thanks.. thats so supportive of them....

what's wrong with me

as a psy student and as someone who is good at psychotherapy... its hard to admit that I have problems I can't solve by myself.. i dont even know what's wrong with me. when people ask me whats wrong, i can't say anything... maybe because i think they'll laugh at me and judge me...

but this time.. i do admit that I need help.. a real counseling or perhaps a psychotherapy... cause
IM BOTHERED by the situation... i guess it's not normal to feel sad almost every wk right? for several years already... and it's not normal to have intrusive thoughts about people I care for leaving me?... i have a problem... i dont know what would be the diagnosis,, but what I know is Im having a hard time already and I want to get out from this situation...

its killing me..

===

i hope someone is willing to listen..
someone who'll understand me

yey!

i updated my blog... yeeehhee hahaha

cute isnt? haha

emptiness

sometimes we look for the love we never had...
sometimes we look for the care we never experienced..
sometimes we look for that appreciation and attention
sometimes even we don't admit it, that we depend our happiness
on others..
we wait for someone who would be able to
fill up that emptiness... someone who would give the love
we want to have...

however
unfortunately...

disappointing as it may seem

we can never find genuine happiness from someone..
we can never find unconditional love from someone...

sometimes it feels pathetic that we have never had these "feelings"
but life is unfair... its naturally unfair..
some people have it all.. but some people are not fortunate enough
to experience such things....

sad isnt???
but thats life..
and even how much we try to find those missing pieces...
in the end.. it is only ourselves who can find a way to happiness

gggggg

applying Gestalt in zoo2... "enjoy what's here in now, cause in the next semester you will not have such irrelevant subject anymore" XD ok sarcasm.. lol peste!.. that is of course if i pass.. which i guess i will.. since i wasted 5 hrs of my time memorizing bone names.. and i guess i will have more wasted time in the following weeks to come..

ohhh

let's get this straight..
lets put it into words...
i have to do this.. cause i have to know what my problems really are....

At first people would see me as someone who is joyful, someone who is strong, someone who has a very high self-image and self-worth... but the truth is.. often times I'm depressed... I cry easily,.. and i have a very low self-worth...
I can't count how many times I entered depressive episodes.. how many times I fear abandonment. i cant count how many times I think of myself as someone who is stupid, and unworthy.... there have been millions of times.....

really... it's hard for me to be open with people.. I always put a wall between us because I don't want them to see my weaknesses..... cause I always think that when people know these things about me, surely they would hurt me in a manner that would easily hurt my ego... (consciously or unconsciously)...
that is why it's hard for me to be involved in a relationship... any kind of close relationship... because I'm too afraid to get hurt.. too afraid that people would eventually leave me...

pathetic right?? very much...and I hate admitting it....

yes, im the jealous type... the clingy type... the annoying type.. the pessimistic.. dependent ...and actually by saying this Im putting myself down already.....

----

im saying this cause again.. im in a relationship..
actually i didnt want to...
cause i know I still can't handle myself well...
im not yet strong enough to face problems ..
and im very much scared... cause now.. reality is sinking in..
problems are there and im very much consumed by my fears...
i fear that one day I would go back to my depressive episodes
and would eventually find myself on the same cycle most of the time...

graduating

would not want to waste my time depressed again..
I would not want to ruin this season...
would not want to add more painful memories..
I just want to enjoy life..

so I am saying this...

im graduating from depression...

will smile from now on ^_______________________^

boys and girls

I wonder why guys say that girls are hard to understand..
no!! we are simple... our desires are in fact very shallow...

we love surprises.. we love sweet things..
is it so hard to do sweet things to a girl?
like surprising your gf with a flower?
is that so hard?...

and actually for the effort, for that small effort
the happiness that it can give is already overwhelming ...


GUYS sometimes please be spontaneous..
pls be more romantic..
pls be more expressive...

thats all we want..

honestly...

---------------


Im saying this cause i was having conversations with a guy classmate a while ago...
i asked him about his situation with his gf,, of course me PROJECTING , I told him
to surprise her gf... which he did... :)... the idea is from me but he is willing to do it,,
and actually he added more to what I said...

hahaha I saw his face after he surprised his gf,, i saw his smile
when he was telling the story...
hahaha

i guess sometimes you just have to remind a guy what to do.. LOL..

sigh

was thinking...
what if I don't look this way..
would people still want to be with me, would people still choose me..
perhaps yes.. but I know that my appearance has something to do with the situation...


I have these thoughts after the activity we had in Guidance class...
we were about 14 in the group and we all have to choose "members"
who would we want to be with... of course another factor is that
i dont really have close friends in the group, Im an ireg student and
my close friends were not in the same group.... I got 2 votes coming from
boys.. 1 is from christian, who is my classmate for a year already and Im currently
helping him with his special "task",, so of course he would vote for me..
the other one was from a new classmate ..... he was new to the whole class
but he actually got 2 votes from girls... ..but well.. he actually voted for me
eventhough i dont really know him....

then this occurred to me "im not the type of person that people
would want to work with/be with"...

gosh how pathetic is that~ hahahahaha.


but honestly I only get appreciations from boys.. mostly from boys...
and i know why...

now im thinking...
what if I dont look this way... would I still be wanted?

haaaaayy,...

cognition

i can hardly distinguish cognition from affection.. if i feel happy isn't that my cognition that made me feel so?, i feel happy because I can think of happy thoughts... if i drown myself from negative thoughts then surely I would feel lonely.. isnt this very cognitive? haha.. so now tell me doc, if i say I'm in love, isnt that my cognition too?