independence

I GOT MYSELF BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :)

serotonin working well.
Confidence is there.
self-esteem, self-worth ALL INTACT :))

sunny disposition

where does my sunny disposition go?
I used to be the jolly, energetic bubbly girl.... now I cant even laugh hard. my humor has gone...
hmm i wonder

perhaps my pessimism has won over me again. tsk tsk poor me Im wasting my time worrying.

However, i got tired crying, complaining and feeling unmotivated. I hate it when I cant smile. I hate it when I cant deal with ambiguity.. i hate it when i become this neurotic haha..

STOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPP!!! i must get back to my happiness

---

LAst thursday I got the best insight in my life.. well i guess its with me all the time, its just that i need some eye opener to feel and think that way again :)
I was aware, i was knowledgeable... the only thing that's left is to put all those realizations into actions..
"little steps" as my friend put it.. I might not change right away but i'll get there.. i'll get there :)
Surely I will regress.. theres a chance that i will regress again... however my plan is to stop that defense once I achieved awareness.. it will be hard but as the law of exercise states "stimulus-response associations are strengthened through repetition." :). if it becomes a part of my system surely i'll be able to deal with it. :)

I MUSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT BE ABLLLLE TOOO DOO THISSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! ^____________________________^


smile. think positively. forgive more. be nicer. laugh more. :D

now isnt that motivating haha.. i thought i would be forever trap on my dysthymic state....................................

2009

i was on my way home when i realized that iam too preoccupied by past events (both positive and negative).


I have labeled 2009 as a great year. and that might be the reason why i always long to go back a year ago...


but then its been 9 months and i havent said my hello to 2010 yet..its like im still not ready to let go whats on the past. what has happened last year. Nevertheless i realized that i cant enjoy whats in the present because of this preoccupation. maybe really 2009 is really a better year (in terms of achievements, time, people who were in my life.. etc...) but i cant deny the existence of "here and now".


sigh*** good bye 2009. :)

u made me so happy ^_^ :((((((((((((((((((((

routine

tired of the daily routine. :(

empty

then it came to me.. that i might lose you anytime...
I tried to memorize every detail of your face..

i felt a stab of loneliness in my heart...
so i leaned on your shoulders and try to remember
your scent..

i wanted to stop the time...

emoest

And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.

asking

and i wonder..
is there any hope left?

i want to ask God,, is there any hope left for these people?

sigh.. i feel so bad for them

------


Im currently having my OJT in a mental institution (custodial care to be precise and nicer XD) and honestly most of them has been admitted 2, 3, 4 times to different institutions.. it seems that they would really spend all their lives inside.

most of the cases are drug dependecy.. seriously, i dont have empathy left for people who abused drugs.. I know how it feels to live with someone who is one... ITS A HELL....a. hell..
but since im practicing psychology, judgement should be avoided.. but i cant help to feel bad for them.. How come they never realize the extent of their condition.. theyre not doing well.. some of them even sold their appliances and furnitures just to be able to use drugs.. some of them are even sick (one of them has diabetes mellitus)... how come they never stop.. how come they never realize how drugs affect them.... how drugs affect their families.. how drug affect their lives..

now for the nth time.. what should be the solution for these people?!!!

I do not love you except because I love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

hopeful

hopeful.hopeful.hopeful.hopeful

existence

I psychology we can never accept answers like "thats the way it is"..
in psychology every behavior, every action has meaning, has explanation., has reason.. everything has motivation..

why me being agnostic for so long, being so logical who wants explanation all time.. never thought of life indeed has a reason.. Who ever made us has also motivation..
that thought convinced me that our lives have explanations and reasons..

now i dont feel so lost anymore..

i cant believe im saying this
but i asked for strength.. and i guess it was given to me.. :)