*4年前、このブログを書いた。この4年の間に、長年戦ってきた摂食障害を克服した。日本料理、そして、日本の世界観を教えてくれた、親友のまきこに深く感謝している。ずっと私を信じてくれて、ありがとう。
I wrote this blog more than four years ago. In those two years, I have overcome an eating disorder that I fought for years. My feelings of gratitude towards my bestie Makiko, who taught me both how to cook Japanese food and about the Japanese worldview, are deep. Thank you Makiko, for always believing in me.
この話、去年のTEDxFukuoka2018でしました。見てね。
今日は、マキコの誕生日だ。
_______________________________________
この人は、私の大親友満貴子だ。満貴子は、今までの人生の中の1番仲が良い友達。私たちの友情は、国境を越えるものなんだ。このブログを書いていることが彼女にバレたら、「書かんで」と言われそうだから、内緒にするね。１年前に、満貴子に出会った。うそ。１年しか経ってないと？信じられん。でもさ、満貴子に出会ってからアンちゃんの人生はバリバリ変わったバイ。今日は友情の大切さについて書きたくてたまらん。何でこれを書きたいと？人間は一人で人生を歩むことができないから。後で満貴子に怒られるかもしれんけど、しょうがないな。書かざるを得ないからさ。
This is my best friend in the world, Makiko. She'd probably get mad at me if she knew that I was writing this blog about her, so I guess I have to do it on the sly. It is hard to believe, but I met her only a little over a year ago. It's only been a year, but her influence on me has been great, so great that I can honestly say that she has helped shaped me into who I am today. Today I want to talk about the importance of friendship, because nobody can get through life on their own. Yeah, she may get mad at me, but she'll get over it. That's what friends do.
私は、２５年以上摂食障害と戦っている。何でそうなったかとか、どんな悩みがあったかって話したらバリバリ長くなるけん、そこまで深く話さないね。でもこの25年の間、色んな波があった。いい時も、悪い時もあった。3年前が1番ヤバかった時期だったかも。満貴子に出会った時、まぁまぁって感じだった。神様の素晴らしい愛と、アンちゃんをわかってくれたカウンセラーの応援でよくなってきていた。けど、やっぱりまだまだだって感じだった。まだ、食べ物は敵だと思ってた。
I have struggled with an eating disorder most of my life. How I got to where I am and the reasons behind it I will save for another blog and another day. What I can say is that during the last 25 years, I have had lots of ups and down regarding food. When I met Makiko last year, I was doing better than I had been in a long time. My faith in God, and a wonderful counselor, had brought me through the worst of the worst and I was on the road to recovery. But I still had a ways to go. I still saw food as my enemy.
こういう病気は本当に不思議やね。どうにか、働きながら本を１２冊を出版したり、定期的にブログを書いたりもしたけど、自分の健康管理ができなかった。何で天才のアンちゃんは、子供みたいな食生活をしてた？ クッキーが好きすぎるから、よく朝ご飯にクッキーを食べた。子供はある日「ママ、私たちもクッキーがいい！」と言ってきた。私はクッキーを美味しく食べながら一方で、子供には「朝ご飯にクッキーを食べるわけないやん！」と、チビたちを叱った。ああ、これはヤバイと気づいた。もしかしたら私、クッキー依存症かも。今笑えるけど、私の言動は、本当にこのくらいヤバかった。
一緒にパンを作った。
The grip that food had on my life is a mystery to me. Somehow, I managed to write twelve books and keep my blog up to date while working full-time, yet I totally stunk at taking care of myself. How can I be so accomplished in so many ways, yet eat like a child? Let me give you one example. I am totally crazy about cookies, and I used to eat cookies for breakfast (not with breakfast-for breakfast.) One day, my daughters came to me and said, "Hey! We wanna eat cookies too!" I scolded them, telling them that of course we don't eat cookies for breakfast--while I was eating a cookie for breakfast. Yikes. It was then that I realized what I mess I was. I was a slave to cookies, and in the midst of a full-blown cookie addiction. I can look back on it and laugh, but I seriously panicked if I couldn't eat cookies for breakfast.
クッキー依存症のアンちゃんは、こういうクッキーが好き。
その日から朝ご飯でクッキーを食べんくなったけど、まだ食べ物に対しての悩みが多かった。生理は普通に来ていなかったし、ガリガリだったし、調子はあまりよくなかった。ずっと、結婚した時から、アンちゃんは料理が嫌いやった。一回も「これは楽しい！料理をしたくてたまらん！」と思ったことがなかった。家族と健康のためにご飯を作ったこともあったけど、外食も多かった。何回も料理をする気持ちが出てきて、本腰を入れた時期もあったけど、飽きたら、外食生活に戻った。
Although I stopped eating cookies for breakfast that day, I still had a lot of issues with food. I wasn't having my period regulary, I was too skinny, too pale, and sick much of the time--most likely all stemming from my poor nutrition. I had hated cooking as long as I could remember, and I had never once in my life thought it was fun. But I loved my family, so I cooked anyway from my very limited repertoire of dishes, but we also ate out a lot. There have been several times during our marriage that I got motivated to cook, motivated to try this diet or that. But when I got sick of it, or got busy, we would always revert back to our fast food, highly processed life.
栄養不足で顔色が悪かったし、よく風邪をひいていた。私は、自分が食べ物に対しての問題を抱えていることをわかっていたけど、どうやって乗り越えればいいかってことがわからんかった。６ヶ月くらいグルテンフリーを頑張ってみた。あれで、調子はよくなったけど、正直に言うとグルテンが好き。グルテンは美味しい。グルテンを食べたい。丁度その時、満貴子に出会って、色んな食べ物に関しての悩みを相談した。パン作りが大好きな満貴子は、「グルテンフリーはいいけど、アンちゃん、日本料理で調子を治そうよ。教えるよ。」と言った。私は日本料理が好きやけん、いい提案やなぁ、と思った。
So, I was malnourished. I was pale, too skinny, and it seemed like I always had a cold. When you are in the grips of an eating disorder, you know you are in trouble but you don't know how to get out of it. I tried eating gluten free for a while, and that helped with both my digestion and my cookie addiction, but you know, gluten tastes good. I like gluten. I want to eat gluten. About the time I started thinking how much I like gluten is when I met Makiko, and shared my food struggles with her. She said to me, "Gluten free is not bad, but hey, let's heal your body with Japanese food. I will teach you." Sounded like a plan to me.
満貴子は関西人だからかなりうるさい。「アンちゃん！スーパーの半額弁当を買ったらダメよ！作って！」とよく言われた。ある日、スーパーの半額弁当を買って、レジを済ました後すぐ、満貴子からメッセージが来た。「弁当買わんで。作って。」奇妙だった。どうやって、丁度その時半額弁当を買っていることがわかったと？ マジこの人はうるさすぎると思ったけど、言っていることが正しいってことに気づいた。やっぱり、愛の鞭なんだ。ある日、満貴子に一生忘れられないことを言われた。「アンちゃん。太ってもいいし、痩せてもいい。ただ、食べないと死ぬ。死んだら、人生が終わるよ。何もできない。」その日から、いろいろ考え始めた。人生にまだ沢山やりたいことがある。神様のために生きて行きたい。子供を育てたい。意味がある人生を精一杯生きていきたい。健康的じゃないと、それを全部できない。
Makiko is from Kansai and and can be pretty obnoxious at times, so she would yell at me for buying half price bentos at the supermarket. "Cook real food, Annechan!" she would say. Once she messaged me right after checking out with my half-price bentos, telling me not to buy half-price bentos. Creepy. How did she know where I was anyway? Her persistance was annoying at times, but only because I knew she was right, and I knew that she loved me. We had become such good friends, and she wanted desperately to help me out of the pit I was in. One day she said something to me that I will never forget. She said, "Annechan, I don't care if you are fat or skinny, but you need to eat. If you don't eat, you die. And if you die, that is the end and you can't do anything." I started to think about a lot from that day. I mean, there is still a lot I want to do. I want to live my life for God. I want to raise my kids. I want to live a life that is meaningful and valuable. If I am not healthy, I can't do any of that.
満貴子の台所で床に座って、一緒に食べることよりも好きなことがあまりないなぁ。
Makiko's cooking skills amazed me, and even though she was busy with her own family and work, she took time to teach me how to cook Japanese food about twice a week. I learned how to make miso soup for the first time in my life. Isn't that hilarious? 16 years in Japan, and this year I finally learned how to make miso soup. And tamago yaki. And a rice ball that actually looked like a triangle. Best of all, I could finally make my favorite food in the world, kinpira gobo. Then, before I knew it, a miracle had happened.
アンちゃんは、きんぴらゴボウを作れるバイ。
料理が嫌いじゃなくなった。昔からの友達は、あまりにもショックが大きすぎて倒れそうになった。ある友達は、こう言った。この料理をしている人はアンちゃんじゃない。アンちゃんは、１６年も料理が好きじゃなかった。アンちゃんはインスタントみそ汁しか作った（作ったって言えるかな？）ことがない。その友達は、満貴子に「どんだけ素晴らしいことしたかってわかると？」って言ったけど、満貴子の答えは、「そう？アンちゃんは頑張れば、何でもできるやん！」だった。その時から、今まで、満貴子はずっとそう思ってくれている。アンちゃんをずっと信じている。私は料理が大好きまではいっていないけど、イヤじゃない。料理は好き嫌いと関係なく、お母さんの責任だ。それは満貴子に教えてもらった大事なことだ。
I woke up one day and realized that I didn't hate cooking anymore. My friends who have known me a long time almost fainted from shock. This is not the Annechan we know. Annechan has hated cooking for 16 years. Annechan has never made miso soup that didn't come out of a bag. My friends went up to Makiko to tell her what a miraculous thing she had accomplished, but she replied, "It's no big deal. Annechan can do whatever she sets her mind to." She still says that today to anyone who will listen, and she means it. She believes in me, believes that I can anything. I can't say yet that I love cooking, but I don't hate it anymore. I have come to see it as one of my responsibilities as a mother, a responsibility that has nothing to do with whether I like cooking or not. Makiko taught me that.
これは何かな？覚えていないけどきっと美味しかった。。。
この1年の間に、病気をせんくなった。体重はちょっと増えた。顔色もよくなった。生理は今普通に来ている。完全に摂食障害は治っているとは言えないけど、今はいい感じだ。2人ともアンちゃんのブログで忙しいから、最近、料理のレッスンは減ってきたけど、満貴子はいつもアンちゃんの健康を考えてくれている。時々ご飯を作りに来たり、子供の弁当も作ってくれたりする。そして、毎週の月曜日お弁当を作ってくれる満貴子のおかげで、なんとか、摂食障害を乗り越えられるかなぁ、と思えるようになった。私を愛してくれている神様が私を助けるために、満貴子を送ってくれたに違いない。
It's been about a year since we met, and I rarely get sick these days. I have gained a little weight, and the color is back in my face. I feel good. I feel healthy. I feel strong. We are both busy with my blog, so we haven't had much time for cooking lessons lately, but she is always thinking about me and my health. Sometimes she will cook my family dinner for no reason, or make bentos for my kids. And thanks in part to the healthy bento she makes me every Monday, I feel that maybe, just maybe, I am going to kick this eating disorder in the teeth. I have no doubt that God sent Makiko into my life to help me do things I can't do myself.
何で２人ともブログで忙しいと？時をちょっと６月に戻そう。私は３年間くらいアメリカの友達のために英語のブログを書いた。日本が大好きなアンちゃんはどうしても日本の魅力をアメリカにいる友達に伝えたかったから、日本とアメリカの文化についてブログを書き始めた。ブログを書くことと同時に本を出版した。日本の文化関係や教科書などの本を全部で１２冊出した。私にとって一番大事な本は、アンちゃんのライフストーリーだ。その中に、今までの摂食障害との戦いが書かれている。もし、私と同じような悩みを抱えている人の励みになったら、それ以上にうれしいことはないと思った。今年の春に、その本の日本語版は無事に出版ができた。当時の私は、こんな翻訳は、自分でできるわけないやん、と思っていたから、翻訳者に頼んで1０万円を支払った。満貴子が原稿の最終チェックをしてくれた。何時間もかけて旦那さんの彰さんと一緒に添削してくれた。
And what do I mean by writing that both of us are busy with my blog? Let's rewind this story to June, about 4 months ago. For more than three years I wrote a blog in English. Since I am so crazy about Japan, I was overflowing with enthusiasm to convey to greatness of this country to my family and friends in the States. So I started writing a blog to share my experiences with them. I also write books. Lots of books. I have written a total of twelve books, including textbooks, books on Japanese culture and memoirs. The book that means the most to me is the memoir that chronicles my struggle with the eating disorder, and more than anything, I wanted it to be translated into Japanese so I could encourage others who are struggling like me. I hired a translator to do it, because I knew there was no way that I could ever do it myself. It cost me 100,000 yen, but I saw it as an investment towards encouraging others. When the translation was done, I asked Makiko to do a final check to make sure the translation was clear and easy to understand. Makiko and her husband Akira spent hours and hours pouring over it, staying up late into the night to help me meet my deadline.
There is no way my Japanese will not improve in an atmosphere like that. But hey, I have not been to a Japanese language school, and my casual Japanese is full of slang. There is no way I could write a blog in formal Japanese, but in slangy Hakaka dialect? Hmmm. It just may work, I thought. And once again, Makiko was right there beside me saying, "You can do anything you set your mind to, Annechan." On June 1st, I wrote my first bilingual blog and it took me more than four hours. I thought I was going to die. It was full of both humor and grammatical errors, but hey, Makiko was right. I can do anything I set my mind to.
あれからバイリンガルブログを５６回書いた。毎回、書き終わったら、満貴子か、素敵な旦那さんの彰さんが文法チュックをしてくれる。最近文法ミスは減ってきているけど、あの２人は、アンちゃんのために何百時間を添削にかけたやろう？何で？私が大好きだからさ。考えるだけで感動して、泣きそうになる。アンちゃんの健康から文法まで色々直してくれた満貴子に感謝の気持ちでいっぱい。いつも申し訳ないと言うけど、満貴子は、「アンちゃんのためなら、なんでもしてあげるよ。」と言ってくれる。うん。間違いない。本当に私との友情を大事にしてくれているから、迷惑と全然思っていない。寝不足になっても、毎日喜んで、遅くまで添削してくれる。
着物の着付けの免許を持っている満貴子は、今年の夏に浴衣を着せてくれた。生まれて初めて浴衣を着て、お祭りに行った。
I have written 56 bilingual blogs since then. They no longer take me four hours. Well, most of the time they don't. And every day when I am finished, I pass it on to Makiko and Akira and they check over it for me. My blogs have many fewer grammar mistakes than they used to, but I know those two have still spent hundreds of hours helping me. Why? Because they love me. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Makiko has spend the last year not only fixing my grammar, but more importantly, my health, and I cannot tell you how thankful I am. I know that before I met her, I was on my way to healing, and that God sent me her to help me take those final steps. I sometimes feel guilty for always asking her for help, but she always says to me, "You know I'll do anything for you." And she means it. She doesn't see helping me as a chore at all, but as a privilege. I can almost picture her smiling as she fixes my mixed up particles, stifling a yawn at midnight.
ステンドグラスも一緒に行って来た。
人間は、どんなに才能があっても、一人で生きていけない。どんなに才能があっても成功もできない。満貴子のサポートがあるからこそ、こういうアンちゃんになっている。私と満貴子は、あまり共通点がない。国籍、言葉、考え方、価値観、育ち、趣味、宗教などは全然違う。でもその違いを越える友情を見つけた。その違いは悪いことじゃなくて、いいことだと思えるようになったから、ふたりとも強くなった。ふたりとも、成長した。
No matter how much talent someone may have, they cannot walk through life alone. No matter how gifted someone may be, they cannot succeed on their own. Most of what I have been able to accomplish the past year, both regarding my health and my blog, has been because of the support that Makiko has given me. To tell the truth, we have almost nothing in common. We have different nationalities, speak different languages, and have vastly different ways of looking at the world. Our values, hobbies, upbringing, and religion are different. But our friendship is one that has overcome our vast differences, and those differences have made us both better.
友情というよりも、むしろ家族だな。私はお姉ちゃんがずっと欲しかった。４３年かかったけど、やっとお姉ちゃんを見つけた。多分満貴子は自分はそんなに特別じゃないと思っているけど、アンちゃんにとって、彼女はかけがえのない存在だ。人間誰でも、ありのままの自分を受け入れてくれる親友を求めている。私は数えきれない弱点があるけど、満貴子には、アンちゃんの無限の可能性しか見えない。私も、あなたも、１人では何もできないけど、友達と家族の応援で何でも出来る。うん。そう。アンちゃんは頑張れば何でもできる。折り紙以外ね。アンちゃんはどんなに頑張っても、それは無理バイ。
今日は、満貴子の誕生日だ。このブログは、アンちゃんからのプレゼントだ。
More than a friend, she is like a sister to me. I had always wanted a sister. It took me 43 years, but I finally found one. She probably thinks that she is not all that special, but to me, she is the support that has got me to where I am, and her friendship is priceless. All people look for friends in life who will accept them as they are, their strengths as well as their weakness, their good and their bad. I have immeasurable weaknesses, but all Makiko can see is my endless possibilites. No one can succeed alone, but with the support of friends and family, we can do anything. Yeah, Makiko is right. I can do anything I set my mind to. Except origami. There is absolutely no chance I will ever be able to do that...
Today is Makiko's birthday. This blog is my present to her.
ちなみに、満貴子は宗像市でバリバリ人気があるパン教室をやっている。パン作りの初心者アンちゃんでも、めちゃくちゃ楽しめたし、美味しいチョコミルクパンができた。満貴子の家族は緑茶のお店を経営しているから、休憩の時間に、お茶についても教えてくれる。バリバリ良いパン教室バイ！もちろん美味しいパンは作れるけど、何よりもこの素敵な笑顔が見える！福岡県に住んでいる方、是非予約してみてください！
『おうちぱん教室 こいちゃ 福岡県宗像市のパン教室』
https://ameblo.jp/munakata-bread/
