2020年4月19日
何が間違っているのだろう？
What am i doing wrong?
15日辺りからだったと思う。
レフの右目が腫れていた。前にも目を怪我して、しばらくは掛かったが生理食塩水を毎日点眼して治ったことがあった。16日に柚矢に点眼用のスポイトがないか聞いている。
正確な生理食塩水ではないが、塩水を作って、レフが帰ってくる度に、点眼と更に未だ治らない耳の膿の掻き出しをして様子を見ていた。
目は、昨日はあまり良くなっておらず、悪化している感があったが、今日は目の上が腫れあがって、目から絶えず血の混じった液体が出ているような酷い状態になっていた。家に戻ってはきたものの、それほどエサを欲しがる訳でもなく、目を触ると酷くイヤがり、今日は初めて朱鷺（shuro）の手に噛み付いた。それでも、大分遠慮しているのは分かる程度の噛み方で、傷が付くほどではなく、ただ単に痛みで耐えきれないのだろうと分かった。
それでも絶えず流れ出る血を拭きとらないと、こすっている前足は血でベトベトになっているし、目の下も爛れてしまうことは明らかで。
だけど、レフは顔を見せただけですぐに外に出たがり、しばらく引き留めて目の下をティッシュで拭いていたが、缶詰をあげて扉を開けてやった。
ここ数日、いつも思っている。
もう、レフは帰ってこないのではないか。
怪我の痛みに苦しんでいるのに、家の中に安眠も出来ない。
何度か弱気になって病院へ連れて行こうかと考えたことがあるが、何より病院を信用出来ない。必ずしも怪我を治してくれる訳ではないことを知った。受け付けの女性の態度に苛立ち、このニンゲンともう関わりたくないという思いをまた繰り返すことに耐えられない。
何よりも、怪我も病気も「意味」があるのだと知ってから、薬で症状を抑え、外科的処置で猫を不安にし、一人ぼっちにし、見捨てられたと感じさせることに朱鷺（shuro）自身がもう耐えられない。
何度怪我を治療しても、何度も何度ももっと酷い怪我を負ってくる彼の姿を見ていると、何を言いたいんだろうかと思う。
朱鷺（shuro）は何を分かってあげられていないのか。何が間違っているのかと。
I think it was around 15th.
The right eye of Lefu was swollen. A few months ago he had an eye injury and for a while, I had healed with saline daily in his eye. On the 16th, I asked my daughter if she had an eyedropper.
It's not exactly saline, but I made him a salt solution and every time my cat came back I instilled him. Then, I was scratching the pus in his ear, which hadn't healed yet, and was watching.
His eyes didn't look much better yesterday and felt worse, but today his eyes were swollen further and his eyes were constantly bleeding with blood. It was in a really bad state. Although he returned home, he didn't want much food, and when I touched his eyes, he was terribly disgusted and bit into my hand for the first time today. Still, it wasn't scratching my hands. I knew he was just too painful to endure.
It was clear, however, that if I hadn't wiped the blood that was constantly flowing out of his eyes, his rubbing forepaws were sticky with blood, and under his eyes were sore.
However, Lefu wanted to go out immediately after showing his face. Holding it down for a while, I wiped his eyes under a tissue, but after opening a cat food can, I had no choice but to open the door to my house.
I've always been thinking for the last few days.
I wonder if Lev won't back any more.
He suffers from the pain of an injury but cannot sleep well in our house.
I've been weak a few times and thought about taking him to the hospital. But above all, I can't trust the hospital. I knew that it wouldn't always cure any injuries. The attitude of the accepting woman became unpleasant and I could not bear repeating the feeling that I didn't want to get involved with this person again.
Above all, I learned that injuries and illnesses have a meaning. Since then, it is poor to use drugs to control the symptoms and to make the cat anxious with surgical procedures. And I can no longer bear to leave the cat at hospital alone and make it feel abandoned.
I wonder what he wants to tell me when I see him injured many times over and over, even after he has been my treated.
What do I not know about him? What is wrong with my way of life and way of thinking?
