I hate myself so often, when it comes to music.
It is either because I can't play as well as others, I can't get better despite lots of practice, I don't get to play at certain place, or I don't get to play with my favourite musicians.
I am so bad at playing drums.
Why do I still keep playing???
I have met so many amazing musicians through my life and sometimes I get to play with them. And I know I am not like them. I don't have that much of passion in music. I don't have that much of interest in instruments.
While I was talking to my coach today, she said to me
"Music is about you. It is the only place that you could focus just on yourself when you otherwise try to cover everyone and everything but you."
That hit me.
I knew that already for a long time by now, but today it hit me again.
I am not playing music to please others. I do have the skill through so many other ways. But don't let music to be one of them.
Because that's the only place I can be and I have to be so honest and naked.
I can love myself and hate myself.
I can like things and dislike people.
And it's all about understanding myself.
This is why it is very important for me to play music I like, with my favourite people, at nice places.
And this is why all that doesn't really matter, because by hating all the situation, I get to know myself a bit better.
If it wasn't for music, would it have been possible to know myself so much?
If I didn't have the courage to tell my mother that I want to join the brass band, how did I become who I am today???
I don't know.
I don't know, if I didn't play music, did I still love myself so much?