ファンキーアコです
Hello there! Funky Ako.
今日の話は長いです…
読む人がいるとは思えないが…（苦笑）
Warning! Today's blog is pretty long. I'm not really sure if there would be anyone who would like to read to the very end, though.
中国語だと詳細に言えないので
今日は日本語と英語のみで行きます！
Since my Chinese still isn't good enough and can't catch up even with my English (let alone with my Japanese), I'll go only with Japanese and English today.
※英語の間違いがあれば追々直して行きます。修行中の身ですので、間違いのご指摘大歓迎です！
昨日の突然の変な症状を受けて
今日は病院へ行って来ました。
The weird symptoms that I had yesterday while driving forced me to go to see a doctor for a medical checkup today.
昨日のブログにも書きましたが
昨日の状況をざっくり説明すると
運転中に突然右側の頭が痛くなって
あ!?
と思った瞬間に気が遠くなりそうになり
冷や汗が出て
このまま死ぬんじゃないか自分
と思ってものすごく不安になり
何度か気を失いそうになりつつも
何とか家に着き
その後３０分くらいは
もしかしたら
脳内出血してるんちゃうか
と思ったら不安で不安で
仕方がなかった…
ということがありました。
I wrote about what happed to me while driving on my yesterday's blog, but for those who didn't read it, here's the quick catch-up: I felt a sudden & strong headache while driving yesterday. Finding myself in a cold sweat and having some strangest feeling I'd never had before made me almost sure if I was going to die very soon. I somehow managed to keep control and took myself home as I was struggling not to faint and being overwhelmed by the situation while I was behind the wheel. For as long as 30 minutes or so, I still continued to feel anxious about my uneasy feelings and I was under the threat of brain bleeding or even death. This is roughly what happened to me yesterday... Just thinking about it scares me to death as I write..
思い返せば昨日帰宅後
若干吐き気を感じたのは
脳の病気の症状ではなく
昼食に日本そばを
半人前くらい食べたきりで
それ以降お土産にもらった
メロンを半分食べたのみだったので
お腹が空いて
吐きそうな感じが
したのかも知れません
（知るかですがw）
That reminds me, I felt a bit sick after coming back home was not because of a brain disorder or something, but because of hunger I was feeling at that time since I hadn't eaten almost anything but a half melon I had few hours after lunch, the melon my father had been given from someone as a souvenir. Maybe I was just too hungry XD.
(Who knows!?
)
今朝は比較的
体調がよかったんですが
脳の中のことは
外からではわからないので
念のために予約でいっぱいのところを
内科神経科に
無理やり予約を入れていただきました。
予約時間までに
1時間弱しかなく
出かける前にシャワーを…
と思っていたので
もう少し後の時間帯がよかったのですが
ワガママ言える状況ではないため
速攻でシャワーしました
I found myself feeling much better this morning, but I decided to go to see a doctor since I wasn't not sure what might be happening in my brain as it was totally invisible. I called the hospital to make an appointment which turned out to be full just as I had expected since today was Monday when hospitals can be the most crowded after Sunday. Thankfully, they managed to squeeze me in for the neurology department in an hour. I wanted to make it a little later since I wanted to take a shower before going there, but I couldn't complain as that was the only appointment I was offered, so I took a super quick shower.
自分で運転するのは
やはり少し不安がありましたが
何事もなく病院に
到着することができ…
かなり待つことになりましたが
担当の女性の先生が
とても熱心に
昨日からの体調の様子や
私の説明に耳を傾けてくださり
不安がる私に対して
率直に冷静に対応くださって
とても安心しました。
I was very worried about driving there myself because of what happened to me yesterday, but I was able to arrive at the hospital safe and sound. What a relief! I had to wait longer than I had expected since the hospital was very crowded. My doctor turned out to be a female doctor who listened very carefully and attentively to my explanations such as what happed to me yesterday and how I felt then, how I was still been feeling and so on which made me feel soothing and secure.
一応ＣＴスキャンでは
脳内に出血は見られないとのことで
安心しました
My CT scan results didn't show any trace of brain bleeding which gave me a great relief.
私は通常血圧がとても低いのですが
それに関しても
体を動かしながら
血圧の変化を観察してくださり
低血圧で死ぬほどではないから
大丈夫と言っていただき
安心しました
I always have very low blood pressure and that's always one of my biggest health concerns. The doctor said that I didn't since it was not life-threatening. She also proved it by measuring my blood pressure when both lying and trying to stand up to compare how it would change for me. She sounded very persuasive to me.
素人の患者として
こんなことを言ったら
叱られるかなとか
いろいろと気を遣うんですが
（威圧的な医師もいますし…）
話をちゃんと聴いてくれて
不明な点に
きちんと回答してくれる医師は
本当に信頼が置けると感じます。
As a patient and non-professional, I always feel hesitant to say anything to doctors because I'm not sure if my doing so might give the doctor the impression that I'm displaying a know-it-all attitude, and if my questions are even out of place. Some doctors, in fact, can be very bossy, nasty and rude. I was happy to know that my doctor was not that type. I never felt until today that how good being treated and being listened to by a doctor as properly as she did makes a patient feel. It also makes the patient trust the doctor.
MRIの脳の検査は
２年前に同じ病院で行いましたが
かなり時間が経過しているので
もう一度やってみましょう
と言うことになりました。
I got my very first MRI on brain in the same hospital two years ago, but as it'd been quite some time since then, the doctor suggested I should get one again which made me decide to do.
MRIは２度目でも
閉所恐怖症気味の自分には
かなり不安があって
痛みにもとても敏感なので
CTスキャンの時でさえ
『痛くないですよねっ』
と2度ほど
念を押したほどでした（笑）
Even though it was my second time, being a bit claustrophobia myself, it made me feel so uneasy. Plus, I'm very sensitive to pain...(despite the fact that MRI and CT scan will never give you any pain..) I even made sure by asking the practitioner, "It won't hurt, all right?" at least twice.
そして今回のMRIでは
検査中にはめる
ヘッドフォンから
なぜか心地よい音楽が
流れてきていて
（しかもジャズ！！）
微妙な音量の違いにも
敏感なワタシは
５回ほど音量を上げたり下げたりの
微調整をお願いしました。
（そこ大事
）
いや、最高のMRIタイムに
したいと思って…（苦笑）
The big difference between my first try 2 years ago and the second one today was that the headset they prepared for their patients to wear during MRI in order to prevent the huge noises coming from the MRI machine. The headset has some comfortable music (and it was jazz music!) probably in order to soothe the patients' anxiety. Since I'm a kind of person who is somewhat particular about small details like the volume levels, too, I asked the practitioner to adjust the volume of the music several times.
(Is it THAT important??)
I just wanted to make it the most superb and enjoyable MRI time...
しかし実際MRIが始まると
ゴーン・・・
ガンガンガンガン
というケタタマシイ音により
心地よい音楽は見事にかき消され
たまに訪れる
機械音の音が止んでいるときだけに
聴こえるのみでした…
あんなにボリュームに
拘った意味が
全然なかった（笑）
However, one MRI started, the soothing jazz music was easily drowned by a series of repetitive loud, strange and distressing noise events the MRI machine created, it was heard only during a short interval between each event. Why should I have had to be so persistent in the volume in the first place??
２０分ほどの検査時間が
ものすごく長く感じられたんですが
目を閉じて横たわっている間に
途中４回ほど
パニックになりそうになりました。
急に不安が押し寄せて
動悸がして呼吸が速くなり
手足が痺れる感じ…
でもすでにCTスキャンで
脳内出血はしていないと
わかっていたので
何とか頑張って乗り切りました。
MRI took as long as 20 minutes, but it seemed forever for me. While I was lying with my eyes closed in the MRI machine, I was under a great stress and almost felt panicked about 4 or 5 times. All of a sudden I began to feel dreadful and suffocated making me feel as if my limbs were numb. My heart was beating much faster than usual. I was OK, however, since I knew that it was not happening because of the brain bleeding - that I had been most afraid of - as my CT results said so. So, I just tried to pull myself together and let it go.
そう言えば先生の診察の時に
『昨日発作みたいになったとき
息をハァハァしませんでしたか』
と聴かれていたんですが
息のことは昨日
記憶になかったんです。
でもMRIの最中
急に不安状態になったときは
知らないうちに動悸が起こって
息づかいが速くなって
いるのを感じました。
昨日運転しているときも
同じ状態だったと思われます。
Then I remembered that my doctor asked me if I had been breathing fast when I got panicked yesterday about which I didn't remember. The feelings that happened to me inside the MRI machine reminded me of how I might have been feeling or what might have been happening to me very clearly. Yes, I must have been breathing pretty fast then.
先生によればそのようなときは
過呼吸になっているために
手足が痺れたり
気が遠くなったりするので
ゆっくりと深呼吸で
呼吸を整えながら
横になって休むとよいと
アドバイスを受けました。
According to my doctor, in such a condition, you tend to breath faster than usual which causes symptoms such as numbness in limbs and dizziness. She advised me that all I have to do, then, is to try to calm down myself by taking a deep breath and lying down for a while until I feel better.
この症状は
パニック症候群・不安神経症に
とてもよく似てはいますが
もちろん
体に異常がないかどうかを
まず確認してからの診断になります。
These symptoms seem to be very similar to those of "panic disorder", but my doctor said that it was still too early to conclude. We'll have to wait for the MRI results first. If there was anything to be found, she said, that it should be treated first.
うちの父親が16年ほど前に
脳腫瘍の手術をしていることもあり
（遺伝はしないようですが）
CTスキャンではわからない
MRIで腫瘍などの症状がないかを
確認することになったわけです。
MRIの結果を訊きに
再び先生の担当日に受診するのは
今月末になるので
それまではとりあえず
出血など緊急のことがない
ということで
できるだけ安心して
過ごそうと思います。
My 82-year old father who is living with me had a brain tumor operation about 16 years ago. Although I learned from my doctor that it was not a hereditary disease, since CT scan is not as capable as MRI in terms detecting tumors, I decided to get MRI again. Because the results will be due in 3 weeks, I'll try to stay as relaxed as possible until then since it's found out that I have nothing as serious as brain bleeding.
先生の問診の際
『最近不安なことなど
なかったですか』
と精神状態のことまで
訊いてくださり
最近人間関係で
ちょっとショックなことがあり
確かに昨日はそれで
クヨクヨ考えてはいた
父親も高齢だし
私が病気になったら困るし
自分も今高齢期に差し掛かって
このまま老いるばかりだなとか
今後は自分自身が
子供に面倒を看てもらわなくては
いけない年代になるんだなとか
これから
ずっと一人なんだろうかとか
今の生活に不満がある
ということではないが
ボンヤリとは
このままどうなってしまうのだろうか
という漫然とした不安がある
という内容のことを
自然に吐露していました。
In our health interview, the doctor asked me if I had anything that I was worried about – questions about my mental condition. In fact, I had some problems related to personal relationship and it’d depressed me for the last couple of days. I have other concerns: My father is very old (although he’s still very energetic), and since I’m the one who should support him, I think that I must be healthy. I am getting older as well and even though it’s a natural thing to do, sometimes it makes me feel a bit scared of getting older. I never used to think about myself being taken care of my children, but it doesn’t seem to be as unrealistic as it did a decade ago. This makes me wonder if I will go without my partner for the rest of my life or what it would be like to be old alone or something like that. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with my current lifestyles or I’m not happy, but since futures is so uncertain and obscure that it makes me feel a bit anxious from time to time. I never realized how naturally I was able to reveal what I was feeling to her.
心療内科ではないので
カウンセリングほどには
ぶっちゃけることは
ありませんでしたが
先生はそれにも
耳を傾けてくださって
ほんの１分くらいのことでしたが
心が安らぎました。
I knew that it was not my “counseling”, so I was careful not to make it serious. It took as long as one minute, but it lightened up my feelings a bit thanks to my doctor’s sincere attitude.
パニック症候群かどうかは
わかりませんが
ネットで症状を調べると
過呼吸気味になって
「このまま死んでしまうんじゃないか」
と怖い思いをする方は
意外と多いようですね。
Whether I have panic disorder or not is still unknown, but I was surprised to know how many people suffer this symptom which causes hyperventilation and while looking it up on the net. Many of them even feel that it's killing them while panicking.
今まで不安神経症などの話は
他人事のように聴いていましたが
それに似たことを体験すると
確かにあの恐怖感は
何とも言えないものがあるなと痛感します。
逆に言えばそれだけ
生きるということに対して
執着があるのだとも。
死の淵をさまよいながらも
（って全然大げさなんですが…汗）
まだやりたいことがあるんだよ
まだ死にたくないんだよ
って叫んでましたからね。
あれは自分の本心でしょうと。
I'd heard about conditions or people who suffer from ones such as panic disorders and anxiety disorders, but until very recently, they seemed to be none of my business. Now, however, I've gone through something similar myself, I now kind of understand how terrible they would be. At the same time, in such a life-and-death situation, I found myself being surprised how serious and enthusiastic about my life. The first thought that came into my mind and I actually shout was "I don't want to die now! It is too early and I still have lots of things I want to do, lots of dreams to come true!" I'm not hesitant to admit that this is my very honest feeling.
そして、何かが起こって
１分後にあっけなく
死んでいてもおかしくないのだ
という意識が
昨日の体験で強くなりました。
今まで何か行動などを
選択するとき
今はいいや、今度で。
まだ時間あるし。
ということがありましたが
いや、やっぱり
今やりたいことは今やっておこう
という風に意識が変わりました。
My experience yesterday strongly taught me that anything could happen anytime and it wouldn't be surprising if I died a minute later. Until recently, I tend to put things off - even my favorite things - because I have enough time left, however, I now think that I must do whatever I want to do NOW - because you never know "now" won't last forever and "someday" might NEVER come.
いつかみんな死ぬ時が来る…
本当にそうなのですよね。
I still can't believe this, but it is true that everybody will die some day.
そう言えば今日の朝
近くのいつも元気な
高齢者の方のお宅の前に
救急車が止まっていました。
This reminds me, this morning, I saw an ambulance in front of a house in which an elderly woman lives.
私は実はその元気な
おばあちゃんは
私が小さな頃から
同じ町に住んでいて
私はとてもやんちゃで
子どもらしく歯に衣着せぬ言い方で
当時30代くらいだったその方に
おばちゃん…
顔ヘン
とか失礼なことを
面と向かって
言っていたらしいです
The elderly woman has been living in my neighborhood before I was born. She testified that I was a very naughty child which I admit. Sometimes, I even acted very rude to her by saying , "Ma'am! You look....ODD!" or something like that (which I don't remember).
80代になっても
元気のよいその方は
いつも大声で近所の方と話していて
ずっと足を悪くしていて
若い頃から歩くときに
苦労されていたんですが
ここ2～3年の間に
足の手術をされたとかで
高齢になってますます
シャンシャン
歩けるようになったんです。
Many decades later, in her 80s, she was still an super energetic old lady who chats with her neighbors in a loud voice on the street every day. There was something wrong with one of her legs forcing her to limp, but surprisingly, her recent surgery made her a perfect walker.
そして私が父と住むために
2年前にこの町に戻ってきたとき
私が何の仕事をしているのか
興味津々だったらしく
急いで出かけようとしている
私を引き留めて
『どこにお勤め行っとるのー？』
と訊いて来たんですよ。
私は昔の人には
インターネットで自分で起業して
家で仕事してます
っていう発想はないんだな
必ずどこかに勤めるという
選択しかないんだな…
と実感したんですが
急いでいるのに引き留めて
いつも近所の人たちと
大声で井戸端会議をするのと
おんなじ感じで
そんなのんきな話を
（それも返事に納得できるとも思えず）
こっちが急いでいるときに
してくるようなこの方のことを
私は正直嫌だなぁ…と思っていました。
（言葉が悪くてごめんなさい）
When I came back to my old town to live with my father two years ago, the curious lady never failed to catch me and interrogate me who I was working for even though I was in such a hurry. I felt bit disappointed and frustrated, and wonder if people in her age would never be able to understand jobs like the one I had which is home-based internet business and there was always only one choice to earn money which is to work for someone, but not being your own boss. Being a retired-person herself, I got an impression that she assumed that I would have as much free time and enjoy as a relaxed lifestyle as she did which made me even more stressed out since I was actually very busy at that particular occasion. Besides, I was not confident that my answer of being my own boss for the home-based internet business would sound reasonable and legitimate enough to convince her. (I'm very sorry about being very rude...)
だからこの方の話し声が
外から聞こえて来ると
人がどこに勤めに行ってるとか
そういうことばっかり
話しているんじゃないか
とか思って少し嫌な気持ちが
してたんです。
あの年齢で
あれだけの元気って
いったいどうなってるんだろう
と。
So, every time I heard her chatting outside, I always wondered if she was poking her nose into someone's business again. I also couldn't believe how active someone in her 80s like her could be. She was just too great. Too crazy. She may be a real MONSTER!!
でも今日
その方の家の前に
救急車が止まっているのを見て
もしかして
あんな元気そうなあの人にも
やっぱりそういう時期が
来ちゃうのかな…
と言う気持ちになって
今までの気持ちがウソみたいに
さみしい気持ちになったんです。
However, when I saw the ambulance in front of her house, it made me so sad. I realized that however energetic and crazy she looked, she was the same human being as everyone after all. I didn't expect I would feel this lonely.
私はもしかすると
自分の周りに存在する人や
動物すべての死に対して
自分が想像する以上に
ものすごく意識をしていて
それを敏感に感じたくないために
（その人々や動物たちの死に対して自分が受けるショックを和らげるために）
あえて嫌いだと
思い込もうとしているのかなと。
自分の潜在意識は
常に自分を平常心で
生き続けさせるために
陰の努力をすると言いますからね。
（若干お節介すぎないかと思うことさえある・苦笑）
まぁこれは
こじつけかも知れませんけどね。
I'm not sure this, but I thought that the truth is, I didn't hate her or anything. I'm very conscious about death and it never fails to let me get away with the thought. I always think about the death of myself, my family, my cats and people around me. Death is one of the biggest concers, the scariest things and the very last thing I want. It just shows how sensitive I am about it. Maybe much more aware of it than I think I am. Still, in reality, people will die. All the living things will die. Your subconscious mind always works for you so that you will keep living. So does mine. My subconscious mind works hard so that I won't feel very sad and devastated when people and animals around me die. If I believe that don't like the old lady, if I even believe that I hate her, her death will not sadden me. Again, I'm not sure about this. It's just that I'm excuse myself for being very rude to her. But this is the notion that hit me suddenly.
ただあんなにウザいなと
（言葉が悪くてすみません）
思っていたはずなのに
さみしいな
やっぱりいなくなっちゃうんだと
言う気持ちがわき起こって来たんで
自分でも驚いたんです。
また元気に戻って来て
あのウザい立ち話を
聞かせてくれよと。
I couldn't believe and was surprised how my feelings changed when I thought that the old lady might die pretty soon even though I thought I didn't like her very much. I'm hoping that she will be back soon and let me hear her chatting one more time.
生を受けたものは
必ず死を迎えると
頭ではわかっているつもりですが
この人生で初めて起こることは
自分にとっては
いつも初めてなわけで
これからもまだまだ
いろいろな初体験が
待っているわけですが
I think I understand that everyone will die someday, but I'm not 100% sure that how much I understand it. There have been a lot of "First Time Ever" in my life and there will be more in the future because everything that I have never yet experienced can always be "First Time Ever". "Death" is just one of them, but as long as I don't experience myself, I don't think I can say I understand what death is all about in a real sense.
歳を取るということも
まさに未知のゾーンに
向かうということでもあるわけです。
今度の誕生日で
52歳になりますが
52歳以降体験することは
今日の自分には想像もできない
未体験ゾーンなのだから。
だからこそ
この年になってもまだ
いろいろと
うろたえてしまうわけなんですよ。
52歳という『初体験』が
3か月後に待っているって
なかなかエキサイティングかも。
In the same way, I've never been older than I am now. To put it differently, I am 51 now, but I've never been 52 in my life. Getting older is one of the "First Time Ever" experiences and it will put me in the never-experienced zone. No wonder I feel confused even about getting older as I've never experienced it before. I'm always a clumsy novice about my next (new) age and turning 52 years old in three months will be my "First Time Ever" exciting event that I've never yet experienced.
そして
いろいろな運動能力が
衰えて行っているだろう中で
どうやら感性だけは
年々豊かになっているらしく（？）
いろいろなことを
感じ取ってしまうんですな。
できないことが増えて行くのに
より多くのことを
敏感に感じるようになって行っている…
これはなかなか
ツライものがありますよ（苦笑）
In terms of reflexes, I can't deny that it should be deteriorating as I get older (if I don't take any precautionary measures). However, as for my sensitivity, it seems that I'm becoming even more sensitive about things around me. The older I get, the fewer things that I'm fine with physically, the better I can see things through and the more frustrated those things I can see through tend to make me feel...
昨日の突然の発作症状と
今日の診察から
ずいぶん話が飛躍しましたが
これからも自分の人生は
生きることを許されている間
続くことになります。
昨日の死の恐怖のおかげで
一瞬一瞬を
大切にしないといけないということを
気づかせてもらいました。
今したいことを
した方がいいと言うことで
中国語の勉強を頑張って
今日からピアノの練習も
始めようと思います
Oops! The story went off on a tangent. While at first I was talking about my panicking I had yesterday and my hospital visit today, in the end, I was talking about "death", "first time experience" and "getting old." My life will go on as long as I'm allowed to live in this world. The incident that happened to me yesterday and today taught me a very important lesson that every moment in life is so precious that I have appreciate and enjoy it to the fullest. I should do whatever I want to do now which probably means that I'll keep working on my Chinese and start practicing playing the piano starting today!