think i'm insane, cant believe i'm actually doing this.
saw the videos today, aki had them recorded so that i could see it.. for some weird reason, i just felt like i understood how those people felt for once. guess i cant say that they're really insane or scary after all. i mean its normal for them to want to go after those they like, so i guess its ok.
looking at how the number of people have increased over the years, i wonder if i really know them as well as i claim to be. somehow or another, it seems too out of the world to have known them, really. haha.. guess without those pictures from our childhood, i would never have been able to believe that i really know him. haha.. should i just have accepted what he said 2 years ago? if i had, then i wouldnt have to go through all that trouble.. isnt it?
life is just as it is i guess, one day they will forget all about me, and continue what they need to do in life. i plan to let it go on that way, to behonest, all i wanted was for him to stay in my life and continue there for ever. that, can never happen. just like how those who promised to stay with me and walk through everything with me, failed to achieve that promise. not that its their fault though, its entirely mine.
i had to, at some point or another, push them away before they got into more harms way.. guess my mentality is such that " the earlier the pain, the faster the healing ". even till now, that would never change. work load has increased, and father seems really disappointed in me.. what to do? his youngest child is staying at some foreign place, refusing to return so that she can remain in that nocturne which she created for herself. should i say that i've always anticipated it? maybe i should. i already knew what was going to happen, yet i continued. so should say that its my fault.
bcos i can never leave any room for regrets, i wanted to live my life to the fullest so that when the time comes, i can go. its precisely that reason, that i really want him to stay with me for life. but that, as i had said, will never come true. one day, somebody will find out about this blog and probably think " what the heck is wrong with this crazy person" well, its simple. i'm me, but at the same time, i'm not me.
the me who needs others, and the me who must never rely on others co-exist at the same time. its bcos i know that by being with him, i will eventually have to leave him and erase what was there, that's why i cannot be with him. he will probably resent me for that... for now, lets just leave it that way.
work load has increased due to some problems, some major blockage that has been occuring for quite some time. how long does this have to last? i'm not directly involved. i promised to stay at the side lines. but father, do u know? its impossible for me to do so. its bcos i'm your child that i've inherited your stubborness and your "unwillingness but much needed" ability to lead. its bcos i'm your child, that i need to protect what is suppose to be there, and remove what's not suppose to be. i do miss you and red, i really do. but the things here are at the point where i cannot leave. how many times have you seen or should i say, i went through the same thing. this is the first time i've wanted so much to be loved and liked by others.
you never asked what i wanted or what i need or even what bothered me. all you did was to watch at the side lines to see your child go through the same cycle again and again, and then sigh. you cared. i know you did. and that's why i know that i cannot disappoint you anymore. one day when that man forgets about me, and continues on with his already flying career, i want to see him. not bcos i want him to remember me, but bcos i want to make sure that the man who has invoked these feelings into me, is safe, healthy and happy.
gramps here asked if i would regret doing what i would do to him eventually. Same answer, i cant, i wont, and i will not. bcos that man is already out of my reach. (: by doing those things, he can be free. free to love, free to sing, free to dance.
gramps often said that his hair style is so freaking messy. that i agree. hahaha! told him and shiro repeated to cut their hair, and they did. with that, what i'm going to do, is done. he cut his to show the world his beauty, and i will cut mine to get rid of what's left of him. he knows that i'm proud of him, and i still am. he knows that i like his stupid not very long hair, but cut it bcos i told him that i would use him as a mop one day. hahahaaha!
for that father, i'm thankful for you allowing me to be here. you've acceeded to my whims about wanting to come back. that's why i will have to do what i need to do inorder to go back to your side.
mortals are fleeting images of the past. quite true. one day that man will become my past, and so will i be in his. but he will never know, bcos i will never let him remember. with luck, he will never remember anything, for life. and i know it will stay that way.
for him, i was willing to cast aside those heels that binded me two years ago. however, things have changed and i can no longer run away from my responsibility as the next of my family. just like what i've once told you, without shoes, man can run further and fly higher. there's nothing binding them to the ground, and that's why they will be free. and as much as you are ready to cast aside what you have now for me, i would have readily cast mine aside for you. but i cant, and so cant you. those who would scream and cry should you not be there, would hate me for the rest of their lives. for that, i cant rob you away from them cos of my selfish desires.
lets leave that as that, and leave the story for another day.
- even though you may feel sadness now, hope will lead you to where you will find peace-