i'm going to start off with how much i think today is a freaking waste of time.
seriously. that fella just loves to make me so freaking annoyed. called for a meeting, and told me that the rationale of the meeting is for " jack up of budget " and guess what, no proposal of any form was submitted. i felt like asking that idiot if today was the first day of work for him.
wtf. seriously, i mean at least stop wasting my time and making me wake up at such an ungodly hour. haiz. guess i cannot really blame him since i'm the one who did not specify what i needed. i assumed that he knew what was suppose to be done, after being in the office for the past 20 years. this is the main problem with me i guess. assumption often kills. and yes, it has once again been proven.
felt alot better recently bcos i didnt receive anything else about her from them.. haha! felt a burden off my shoulders. think my prayers worked. dots. i never knew why i wanted to tell her so much.. guess its bcos i wanted to strike a conversation, a conversation that would make her stronger and wiser. however, it has been proven that my judgement is still flawed and i have much more to learn. guess the only way i can protect her is by not saying anything and staying at a distance where she will feel less burdened and stuff. other than that, the rest can wait.
gramps expressed his regret over what happened for the past few months. i told him to get on with life and that everything is going to change from now on and the causation of it will definitely not be him. how could i tell him that i did it so that i can prolong what i have now, so that the rest can be saved by it. according to the rules, the more people you tell, the longer you live. i am a coward.
father will be wanting me to go back soon, he never wanted me to stay here to begin with, time to move on isnt it?
sometimes the things you want, will never be there unless you reach out to grab it. from what she told me, its obvious that she is lost in her life and doesnt know what to do. i wanted to tell her that time is by her side, and that she is free to choose what she wants. as long as she knows that she will be happy doing it, then as long as she is willing to reach out, somebody will come along for her. opportunities are not granted, they are not given, they are MADE. bcos these are the many things in life that u want and u might not be able to get it. BUT if you are willing to put that step forward, and receive aid from others, you will succeed. Dreams are things that everybody will have, and should you get lost in it one day, the only thing left for you to do is to retrace your footsteps. take a step back and think. do i have what i want, do i really want what i want. if yes, the work towards it. it never mattered which industry you want to be in, neither does it matter which type of work to you want to do. as long as you're happy with it, then there's no way in life will you regret.
what is meant to be yours will be yours and what should not be, will never be. you're blessed with friends more precious and talented than others, make use of those talents and work ur way through. this is what life is about, do what u can to succeed. remember. those who rule this earth are not those who are unable to work, rather, they are those who are able to put what they want into action and achieve it through the work of others. so which would you like to be? the one who calls the shots, or the one who does the job.
it might just be a simple paragraph, but i will not say that to her. not because i dont want her to succeed, but bcos i know that should i say that, she will get even more lost than usual.
i wondered if anybody knew the change in me, the change that i went through. from the looks of it nobody realised, so i guess it should be a good thing. ryu noticed that something was wrong and asked me what happened. i didnt have the guts to tell him, so i said that i was just too tired to say anything. i distanced myself from them, i prayed from the bottom of my heart that should anything happen,they and especially him, will not be hurt from it. some how or another, i guess i kept hurting others and over time the cycle repeats.
the day which i threw away those heels and he told me that he is willing to set aside what he had for me seems so long ago. even though we became even closer, nothing between us changed. or maybe it was just me who rejected the change. the reason i took care of mafuuyu was bcos i knew that should anything happen to me, she would be the one who will take care of him. shiro, aki, taki, tsuki have got ischelle nee to take care of them. so i do not need to worry about them. my buddies will gradually forget me over time, so things will be fine as long as i do not communicate as much as i did before.
to be honest, i wanted so much to run there and hug him when he cried over what i said this morning. he saw me, he saw what i had turned into. haha.. but i couldnt. i didnt dare to and i didnt want to. how could i tell him that all i wanted was for him to forget everything and concentrate on what he have right now. how could i? i made him cry so i dont have the right to stay with him.. the same with her, i made her suffer so much so i dont have that right either. but at least abit more, just a teeny winny bit more, let me stay there for awhile. or else i will regret everything. shiro, i never wanted you to see what i was going to do, i never told you that i wanted to stay with you for the rest of your life, i never told you that i never opposed you being in a relationship, i was never dissappointed in you and you, as well as the rest are the treasures in my life that i can only be thankful for, for the rest of my life.
sasuke told me that no matter how much i push him away, he will stay there. i wonder if i should let him do that. what happens if he gets hurt over everything? what happens if i move on and he stays at that spot waiting for the reversal which would never come. he deserves more than just serving me. i was the one who innocently bound him to what he is today, its time to set him free isnt it. i want to, but i dont have the guts to. i guess i really am a coward.
sis went insane yesterday and got me bags and stuff. she was worried. i know she is. she pretended not to, but i know she is. shiro must have told her what happened. he must have told her that i blocked his arrival here. she doesnt know anything and that's why she's worried. she asked if all this was necessary. i changed the topic. maybe one day she will know everything, but for now, lets leave it this way.
-you are free to choose but the choices you make today, will determine your tomorrow.-
